Published: Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Goat That Ate Everything

The Goat That Ate EverythingPeople often ask me if it’s difficult to be a  goat in the city. When I tell them that it is, they just tell me to eat tin cans. Tin cans are not that easy to eat in Dhaka; especially if you don’t have opposable thumbs. The street urchins will beat you to the tin cans and if you do get lucky, they’ll just punch you and take your goat loot away.

“Why not eat the leaves?”

Toxic pesticide and pollution, amigo.
What does a free goat gotta do in these circumstances? He either has to be incarcerated and be eaten sometime in the future or run away into the wild. Unfortunately, ‘the wild’ does not pay you to write articles. Therefore, I have turned towards cannibalism to survive.

Goats are often unguarded
Have you seen the amount of goats on the streets that no one gives a damn about? They aren’t tied and they don’t have license plates either. All it takes is a goat that speaks English to approach them and woo them.

Goats eat everything
This goes both ways. If I manage to lure a particularly attractive goat into my den and wish to ‘quality spend time’ with her before I eat her, I can simply whip up a goat stew. The goatettes love it and so do I.

Everything a tiny black goat does is cute
“Oh look at that cute little goat launching a nuclear warhead towards North Korea! I could just pick him up and pet him!” That is not something beyond a female human being. If anyone ever finds me chewing on a fellow goat’s hindquarters, it’d just add to my Ridiculous Awww Factor.

Again, goats eat everything
What do human cannibals have to deal with when they eat another human being? Hiding the bones, the skulls, the innards and a score of other inedible things. For us goats, we have to learn the true meaning of the word ‘inedible.’ When I look at a goat, I look at every inch of that goat as a wholesome meal. Everything goes straight to my goat stomach and out as pellets for my Goatapult. Yes, I have a catapult that showers people with goat pellets. Everyone has to protect their crib.

If any of you humans consider cannibalism as a convenient method of feeding yourself, I have to remind you that it is illegal to eat your own kind. Not only will you be hung but you will be hated as well. As for us goats, we don’t have a government or any human laws binding us to the sanctity of a fellow mortal’s flesh. Why did I go public with this information, though? Because goats can’t read.