Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Volume 2, Issue 63, Wednesday September 21, 2005




Beauty Talk

Sadia Moyeen , Beautician, La Belle

Hi Sadia,
I'm an 18 year old boy, and I'm maintaining a hair style of moderate long hair. Now I want to give a new dimension to my 'long hair' style, but I'm very unaware about the names of different hairs cuts or style. Please can you inform me about any website where I can visit to know about different sorts of 'long hair' styles? And also I would like some suggestions about recent hairstyles from you.
Thank You.

Dear Xeontemptation,
I am sending some pictures of hair-cut for men to Lifestyle to print for you. Sorry I am not computer savvy at all and don't have a clue about web sites.

Interpreter of Maladies

Dr. Nighat Ara, Psychiatrist

Dear Dr Nighat
My problem is regarding my 9-year-old son. He tends to be very violent. He bullies his classmates at school. He often physically hurts them. I received complaints from his teachers about it. He is always rude with everyone. He shouts at domestic helps in a very arrogant manner. He even harasses his house tutors. He uses sharp points of pencils to annoy them. None of the house tutors last for more than three months. I am really worried. I am trying my best to deal with the issue but gradually I am starting to have the feeling that I am a bad mother. Can you please tell me how I can deal with a problem child like him?

It seems that your 9 year old son is already showing some signs of behavioural problem, which cannot be overlooked any more. His behaviour towards his classmates, teachers and domestic help are surely unacceptable and inappropriate.

Conduct disorder is a condition where children show persistent failure to behave in a socially appropriate manner. Cruelty towards people or animals, bullying, stealing, destroying others' property, setting fire, running away from home etc. are some other features of conduct disorder. This disruptive behaviour progressively affects different areas of life (school, home, playground) and interferes with academic achievements as well as social life (poor relationship with adults and peers). Lot of these conduct disorder children subsequently develop antisocial personality disorder in their adulthood.

Bullies often come from homes where there is little warmth or parental attention. So, the child tries to get negative attention in the form of spanking, scolding etc. (after all, to him negative attention is better than no attention!). They often come from homes where parents are emotionally unavailable (hug, kiss, empathy etc. are scanty) or are subjected to strict disciplining by inconsistently using physical punishments or emotional outbursts. Some children are slow learners and demand more care and supervision than the average children of their age. The child fails to understand the connection between an action and its consequence. Learning how to delay gratification in order to overcome impulsivity (e.g. learning about the appropriate time and way to express a basic need or emotion such as hunger, anger, frustration etc.) is another important task here. Children deserve a non-threatening, empathetic, positive environment to learn these social skills. Structured counselling and education that stresses acknowledging actions, its impact on others and predictable consequences are helpful means to offer support to these children. Some useful questions to ask bullies are- what did you do? Who was hurt? Why was that a bad thing to do? What were you trying to accomplish? Next time to meet that goal, how would you do it without hurting anybody? Appreciate any positive move taken by him, let him know that he is lovable and is capable of changing his behaviour, adjust yourself to his reasonable demands, ensure consistency in your response and remove ambiguity, double message etc. as much as possible.

Hyperactivity, Depression, learning disability and adjustment disorder are sometimes associated conditions and may require medications. Problem solving skill training, family therapy, individual counselling, specially trained teachers at school are important ways to help these kids and their parents. Parenting programs specially designed to help the parents with appropriate parenting skills to deal with difficult kids are very popular in western world. In our culture, we tend to depend mostly on the elderly members of the family though sometimes their knowledge and experience is not adequate to support a parent in this situation. Many young parents have no access to this resource either.

You are feeling judged by others as a "bad" mother or you are actually judging yourself too harshly and holding yourself solely responsible for this condition. In fact, these conditions result from multiple factors and it would be unfair to point a finger to the mother alone. Please try to see it as a problem that needs to be addressed without getting lost in "blame game". You have to do what you got to do! Not everybody came to this earth with a "picture perfect" life. Keep a distance from judgmental people but don't hesitate to take help from others who are sincerely trying to help you. Your emotional stability is a prerequisite to efficiently handle this situation.

By The Way

Laughing your depression away

If your're feeling a bit blue, force that smile or laugh and see how good you start to feel! Though initially pushed, the genuine emotion will certainly follow the action.

Under A Different Sky

By Iffat Nawaz

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

I was sitting in the middle of the human traffic, the kind of traffic that dresses up well, gorging food in the most sophisticated of ways, sitting in tables crunched up in the least amount of available space -creativity and efficiency at its best. A few hours after "happy hour" waiting for a friend to meet me for dinner, I sat and watched the crowd around me. A gay couple sat next to me, from what it seemed, on their first date , drinking white wine and talking government, next to them a man and a woman were talking flawlessly, the kind of flawlessness you acquire from attending many, many dates. Everyone looking glossy, dates and hates and friends and trends all mixed together.

My friend arrived, catching his breath he sat down, smiled and said "missed her by two seconds."

I asked who he was talking about, and he said "oh…hmm…should I tell you? Oh well yah why not. You see last year a friend of mine had told me about this online dating site called Match.com. She kept on telling me how I should try it, and that she had met a lot of great people through this site and it was one of the best. That particular friend of mine actually met her fiancée through this site! After contemplating for a while, I gave it a try. I went out on a few dates, and they all were just miserable. One of those woman I had gone out with was just leaving the restaurant as I entered here. I was glad she didn't see me. I never called her after our first date." He finished and looked at me to read my reaction.

My first reaction was "WHAT? YOU? But Why?" This friend of mine is totally great as an eligible bachelor, he has things going for him. I would never think in a million years that he would have trouble getting dates in the "normal way," that he would have to make up an online profile, filling out "I like hiking and my eggs sunny side up." Plus, there is that terrible desperation that comes hand in hand with online dating which didn't suit my friend, so I was totally puzzled. My friend ate away his penang chicken while I looked at him and still wondered, if HE tried it, who else might have?

You know that thing that happens when you start finding out about something you notice it everywhere? Like a new word, or a certain song, well it was like that. After I started paying attention, match.com was everywhere, the ads, the people talking about their match dates, their match profiles, their success stories, their terror stories. And who were they? Well they were diplomats, interns, entrepreneurs, financial analysts, gays, bi-sexual, heterosexuals, metrosexuals, that's right…EVERYBODY!

It made me think why in a city like Washington or New York ,where social life is throbbing, where people carry business cards in between every finger and networking is like breathing, anyone would have problems using their outgoingness to approach each other for a minor, old date. That they would rather depend on an online profile written carefully to accent strength and eccentricity to describe dream men and women.

Apparently when match.com dates got together they often talked about their likes and dislikes, just like their profiles, asking each other if they prefer water sports over mountain climbing or if they were home-cooking people or restaurant ones. I felt lucky that I never had to be in that position, if someone asked me to describe myself in a few sentences I would come up with some of the most random things in the world; my date would think I am the freak from the east and would walk away with more entertaining stories from match.com for the next "happy hour".

So that's what we are doing these days , keeping each other amused, sending each other to match.com dates so we can either hear some good ,bad stories or enjoy 3 weeks of a beneficial relationship. We no longer find direct approaches interesting, so we twist it up, act desperate to dump and be dumped…pessimistic? I think not, I call it virtual optimism.


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