At The Doctor's
A country doctor went way out to the
boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the
doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring
mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed
the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while
he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little
while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought
of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He
shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This
is her HUSBAND!"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been
married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed
to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk
me out of it, because I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as
he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I
want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and
now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband
just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up
to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account,
and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly
starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she
says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need
right here." She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at
90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
A guy had been feeling down for so long
that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then
waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to
make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some
notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes
with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight
and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers.”
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always
coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have
no one that we can go to when we have problems."
The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals,
why don't we take some time right now to hear each other
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable
desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive
things and so, I find ways to cheat my patients out
of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling
drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know
I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I
can't keep a secret..."