of Corporate Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive
by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no
time to train you.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six
months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night
and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can
boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no
"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly
you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the
job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking
into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll
have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates,
you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
The sailboat of a lawyer on vacation
capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters. He surprised
his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to
the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions
were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins --
great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.
To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to
take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked
him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The
lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates,
waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and
caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask
about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off
on his errand. The first person to approach the gates
was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination
table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old
man and asked, "What was it you
did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned
forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your
son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
John's dad picked him up from school
to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts
for the school play were supposed to be posted today,
he asked his son if he got a part. John enthusiastically
announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man
who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before
you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."