(But I really
Whenever we want to build the image of
our beloved country, we host an international programme. It
is not possible for us to take our good work to all the countries
in the world, freight is very high, so we save money by inviting
Whenever we host an international programme,
we make lots of committees. These are essential for the
smooth organisation of a programme and include such nitty-gritty
details as airport reception, transportation, hotel accommodation,
flag raising, inauguration, food, etc. Please do not think there
is an Etcetera Committee, after all you all are not civil service
cadre nor are experienced in attending international seminars
Whenever we make lots of committees,
we deliberately add/delete some names. No body understands
that you cannot have everyone in a limited committee.
Whenever we deliberately add/delete some
names, there are vehement protests from both sides. In our
beloved country everyone is right, even those who are wrong.
That is the pretty thing about our heard-earned yet trying-hard-to-get
Whenever there are vehement protests
from both sides, we know that the conference date is nearing.
We have this national passion of doing everything in the
last minute, such as stating Income Tax return on 30 September.
Stop your panic button, the date has been extended to 30 October,
and you can all relax till 30 October.
Whenever we know that the conference
date is nearing, we put all our government machinery into action.
Whenever we put all our government machinery
into action with reference to an international sammelan, the
first item on the agenda is airport reception.
Whenever the first item on the agenda
is airport reception, we try to collect passport photographs
of all our vvvip guests. This helps us to identify international
dignitaries, who are exceptionally camera-shy and have never
been photographed by the media or the TV in the last 20 years.
You understand this is a difficult task.
Whenever we try to collect passport photographs
of all our vvvip guests, some photos are not possible to get.
If the international media people cannot get them, how can we?
Huh! How can we!
Whenever some photos are not possible
to get, it is not possible to know Tom and Dick from Harry.
To me every 'dhala' man looks English.
Whenever it is not possible to know Tom
and Dick from Harry, it is possible that at least one vvvip
will not be recognised. They never let us know their flight
schedule beforehand for security reasons and therefore they
just pop up at ZIA. Very safe system! Anyway, one vvvip out
of 550 is 0.18 percent. So what's the big fuss, huh? What's
the big fuss!
Whenever a vvvip will not be recognised,
that vvvip may have to sit alone at the vvvip lounge. Lounge
is very comfortable. You see no one knows him, except our nosy
journalists. This 'jaat' knows everything.
Whenever a vvvip sits alone at the vvvip
lounge, we rush to that vvvip with flowers. No, this is
not called guilty consciousness.
Whenever we rush to a vvvip with flowers,
we make sure we put him on the wrong bus. This allows him
to see some extra parts of the City that is not included in
the official tour. We do it as a special favour out of guilty
Whenever we put a vvvip on the wrong
bus, we stop him before he enters the wrong hotel and then we
take him to our best hotel. We are very courteous. This
change allows him to know that he is being lodged in the best
hotel so that he can go and spread our good image to his country.
Whenever we take a vvvip to our best
hotel, he goes off to sleep immediately. That is why it
is the best hotel.
Whenever a vvvip goes off to sleep, in
English they say politely 'rest' it is obvious that it is not
possible for him to meet any local vvvip.
Whenever a visiting vvvip makes it obvious
that it is not possible for him to meet any local vvvvip when
he is resting/sleeping/lying/waiting for someone else, we lose
our head. In English they say 'lose their cool'. But is
head ever equivalent to cool? Can a school be headed by a Cool
Whenever we lose our head, we start seeing
things upside down. You try; you too will see things 'ulta-palta'
Whenever we start seeing things upside
down, it is possible that flags of some countries will appear
wrong side up. A more plausible excuse that our Flags Committee
could not get hold of pictures of flags of all the 46/47/48
countries is being studied by our Excuses Committee.
Whenever flags of some countries will
appear wrong side up, everyone starts shouting.
Whenever everyone starts shouting, there
is electrical imbalance. The Excuses Committee ruled out
the usual 'short circuit' theory because the lights were on
throughout the programme. Stupid lights!
Whenever there is electrical imbalance,
tape recorders/CD players do not work. We told them time
and again to bring a DVD player, but this was not approved because
this head or cool, whatever you call it, is not in the approved
list. 'Ekhon bujho thela!'
Whenever tape recorders/CD players do
not work, the national anthem cannot be played the first time.
Whenever the national anthem cannot be
played the first time, we try to play it the second time. We
always have a full contingency plan.
Whenever we try to play it the second
time, the electrical imbalance continues. Our electricity
supply is very consistent.
Whenever the electrical imbalance continues,
it is best to rely on Live singing.
And we did whatever was best for the
The 'good image' lives on.