With the Law
lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and it's inoperable
- in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's
a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar
of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar
of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off, how come
the lawyer brains are so expensive?" The doctor replies,
"Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce
dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and
asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of
meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment
for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your
dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The
lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds
a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the
stand in a trial - an attractive middle aged lady. He approached
her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realise you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The
lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know
the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why,
yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence
and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet
voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks
her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!”
cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his
ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening
to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon,"
he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one
brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This
Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what
color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."