<%-- Page Title--%> Write to Mita <%-- End Page Title--%>

<%-- Volume Number --%> Vol 1 Num 127 <%-- End Volume Number --%>

October 24, 2003

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Dear Mita,
Last year I was introduced to a guy through a common friend. We started talking over the phone and met after a week. The problem is that I'm in love with him and I can't tell him about my feelings because I'm afraid that he may turn me down. I have been giving him hints is not getting it, or maybe he is ignoring it. He doesn't like emotional girls. He doesn't want to go into relationship at this moment because he wants to establish himself first. He believes in long term relationships is still not over his previous relationship which ended 3 years ago. The thing is that after we met, we started having a physical relationship, and I was so emotional that I was not even aware of what was happening to me. He tells me that I'm only his friend, but his attitude towards me makes me feel that he also loves me. If I don't call him for a week or more he will call up and ask me why I haven't called him all these days. I told my common friend to talk to him and help me out and he agreed, but then the two of them had a fight and they stopped hanging around together. I don't know how to tell him about that I really love him and care for him. In the mean time my parents are expecting me to go abroad for my higher studies. I've already applied in Canada and if I get the admission I will have to leave. If things work out between him and me then I can at least stay here until he also gets his admission in Canada and we leave the country together. I can't talk to my other friends because I'm afraid that they may go on spreading it that we have had a sexual relationship. How do I express my feelings to him in such a way that even if I'm refused, I'd still be his friend?
Help badly needed

Dear Help,
It is hard to understand how with the level of intimacy you talk about he still does not get the message that you love him. You should have a straight talk with him as the time for giving hints is over. You both should come to an understanding once for all and go ahead with you lives. If he is serious about you then he should make up his mind and only then he can be included in your plans. Before you start to think about going to Canada together please find out how he feels about you. There are some people who take longer to decide about long term relationships and he might be one of them. However, there is no need to jeopardize your future over this. If you are planning to go abroad for higher studies then you should take advantage of this opportunity. Tell him about it and let him decide. If this relationship is not to be then you must be prepared to handle the pain it will cause. However, it will be for the best in the long run.

Dear Mita,
I am just over 20 and in my first year studying BA (Hons) at a government college. I am in love with a guy that I have known since childhood. He is my cousin. Last year I proposed to him but he never responded positively. He said that he sees me only as a sister and always avoids me. It seems to me that my poverty is an issue (I should tell you that he comes from a very well-off family). I am an orphan: I live with my sister and my mother. My mama is helping us. I realise that this relationship is not acceptable and so I want to forget him, but whenever I see him I cannot seem to control my emotions. Please tell me how I can solve this problem.

Dear Choking,
Without making poverty an issue here you must understand that he might genuinely see you as a sister and does not want any other relationship. However painful it might be, please try to control your emotions and adjust to the idea that he is not the guy for you. There will be other men in your lives and you gradually learn to accept it. Getting involved with cousins always creates complications in the family. It is best that you stay away from all this and concentrate on pursuing your studies and career for the time being.

Dear Mita,
I am 24 years old and am in my final year studying management at a reputed university. The problem I have is that my parents are always quarrelling. In fact, they are even fighting now, as I am writing this letter. I have tried to solve all of their problems but I have failed and am becoming frustrated by the increasing violence in my household. My examinations will start after a month but I am not being able to study properly because of the problems at home. What can I do? I really need to get out of the house.

Dear Frustrated,
There are certain problems in life that you just cannot solve however much you might want to. This is one of them. If parents do not understand the pain and agony they cause their children because of their fighting then there is nothing you can do. Perhaps you might take the help of an aunt or uncle whom they regard or trust. If you feel close or confident enough then you might try to talk to then separately. I do not know if this will solve your problem but at least they will know that this is causing you pain and might consider changing their behavior.


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