<%-- Page Title--%> Jokes <%-- End Page Title--%>

<%-- Volume Number --%> Vol 1 Num 130 <%-- End Volume Number --%>

November 14, 2003

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On The Written Word

Why don't we have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff.
How To Write Good by Frank L. Visco
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalise.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
"Have you written this poem by yourself?" asked a man of a young poet.
"Of course," said the young poet, "every word of it."
"Well, I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. I was afraid you were dead for a long time."

New Product Announcement
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
- The French book The Sex Life of the Elephant
- The English book Elephants I have Shot on Safari
- The Welsh book The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture
- The American book How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants
- The Japanese book How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants
- The Finnish book What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
- The German book A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6
- The Icelandic book Defrosting an Elephant
- The Canadian book Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
- The Swedish book How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant
- The Swiss book The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
- The Israeli book The Elephant and the Jewish Problem
- The Danish book Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them

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