ARE NOT Coming
December 25@09:31AM: "The BBC reports that Europe's
Beagle 2 Mars lander has failed to broadcast its landing confirmation
signal. While project leaders are trying to put a brave face
on it, the failure is seen as a major setback. The Beagle is
out of broadcast range but another contact attempt will be made
later today, when they hope a signal will be detected. Another
failed Mars mission will solidify Mars' reputation as a spacecraft
Attention you Earthlings! Attention! Can you
hear me? You better... because I am stranded on Mars..., your
Actually, 'stranded' is a respectable way of
saying it, because in fact I have been... err... what should
I say... detained. Oh! What the heck? Let the beans out. I am
in actual fact languishing in a Martian agiba (that's Martian
for jail?) for the past one week and they have given me this
one chance to beam this one message to Earth. If there ever
was a SOS call, this is it!
Don't believe your TV news channels. Contrary
to their garbage that the Beagle has been lost, the Beagle has
indeed landed in the United States of Mars. I should know; I
was in it. How? I cannot divulge that now for security reasons.
This is a bizarre place. The entire planet is
one country. They have electronic voting everyday at 8AM and
one is in charge online for that day. IT is the president for
that day. I say 'it' because there is no a 'he' or a 'she' here.
How they reproduce I haven't had the time or the opportunity
to find out as yet. I am in custody, remember?
They have one newspaper, one journalist-cum-columnist-cum-subeditor-cum-editor,
one policeman, one soldier (very general), one politician, one
doctorate, one trade union leader, one civil servant, one aatel,
and so on, but all of them have been employed as exhibits in
the City Museum.
They do not have any schools. They are born
educated. Howww? I told you do not ask about gynae matters,
as I have not had the time to find out. Really, you lot have
a one track mind.
Everything here is reality. Dream is something
very private. So, no one is speaking about someone else's dream
in public. It is a punishable offence.
The problem is (that is how I feel because of
my pedigree), because they are one nation, they cannot have
anything like our Olympic Games or even a Mars Cup Football,
if they were to call it that. But they compete with each other
in individual contests, but not in sport as we know. For instance,
there is now a competition among them to find out why I am shivering.
Apparently no body has ever before shivered on Mars. There is
no need to because there is no police, no mastaan, no godfather,
no political group, no bribe, no bill, no corruption, no deadline...
I do not know what will happen this week.
But they have numerous TV channels. Every individual
has one, they have to, it's an ID, just like many of us have
email addresses back home. Ahhh Home! Sob! But I do not even
have time to shed tears now. Also they hurt, because they fall
like pebbles. More about that if I get back... ever, that is.
This message in fact is about my getting back.
But the kind, polite, munificent, benevolent, caring ... (I
have to say all that because one of them is watching) Martians
have set a condition. They want some quick info about Mother
(they had a good laugh about that) Earth which they cannot gauge
scientifically with their sophisticated equipment.
Please send the answers ASAP, or else they will
put me in a chamber to transform me into a Martian. Then I will
have no dream, no police, no mastaan, no godfather, no political
group, no bribe, no bill, no corruption, no deadline... that
would be terrible.
The Martian queries are:
1. Why are Earthlings killing each other when every religion
2. Why are Earthlings cluttering the Mars-o-sphere by sending
toys when one-third of them are starving, without shelter and
3. Why do even people who can afford them are sometimes seen
4. Why did the Americans enter Iraq without proper Tourist Visa?
How long will they stay?
5. Will they allow us to come and 'liberate' them since we Martians
are more powerful and richer and (heh! heh!) more hypocritical
(we actually have two faces) than them?
6. What is the difference between Saddam and Gaddafi; they both
have 'adda' and have been around for more than 35 years.
7. Why is the coastline in poor countries polluted with the
toxics of the rich?
8. Why was the creator of WMD found in a mud hole?
9. Why do the rich think they are always right?
10. Why does someone want to be elected and (Oh God!) re-elected
president for four years? Doesn't he have anything else to do?
Soon some of them will don the Mars uniform,
as conceived by Earthlings, you know the one with large eyeballs
at the end of long tentacles, for the official photograph to
be beamed back to some deserted desert on Earth with this message.
Folks, please do not desert me!