truths about life that adults have learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the
time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every
day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre,
not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up,
rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at
or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord,
I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and
that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad
traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster,
and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you
with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll
be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll
also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring.
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
little rabbit is happily running through the forest when
he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks
at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do
this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see,
you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him,
looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The
elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot
up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why
do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with
us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the rabbit like crazy. As the giraffe and elephant
watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why
did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little rabbit! He makes me
run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!”