Aren't What They Seem
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
on a resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please
don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and
integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act
and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made
money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor.
I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
Reasons for leaving the last job:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore
and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
requests & job objectives:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed
and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
typos that can change the meaning:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
with a term
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes
running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "What's
a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?" The
New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"