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<%-- Page Title--%> Jokes <%-- End Page Title--%>

<%-- Volume Number --%> Vol 1 Num 153 <%-- End Volume Number --%>

May 7, 2004

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Words of Wisdome

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Time wounds all heels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy ... and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied "The balcony."

 

 
         

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