I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
One day, Dopey went to the circus. They had some interesting
Dopey paid $1 to see the Yellow-Brown Striped Bear and sure
enough there, on display, was a bear with yellow and brown
stripes on him.
Later he paid another $1 to see a monkey with two tails
and sure enough, there in a cage, was a monkey with two
Just before leaving he spent another $1 to see the Invisible
Man. Behind the curtain was a chair and nothing more. He
came back out and demanded his money back.
The manager asked, "Didn't you see the chair?"
"Yes" said Dopey, "But it was empty. There
was no one sitting on it."
The manager replied, "Of course there was. You didn't
see him cause he is invisible,” and refused to refund the
Not having an answer, Dopey left.
The next day, Dopey returned because he felt he had been
swindled. He found the Side-show Manager and said, "Look,
I really believe there was no one in that chair and I want
my money back !"
The manager replied, "What makes you think the Invisible
Man wasn't sitting in that chair?"
Dopey replied, "Because when I was in the room, I asked
if anyone was there and no one answered."
"Of course not.", said the manager, "He is
"But", said Dopey, "he should have said something
when he saw me come into the room."
"He didn't know you were there, he's blind!" said
the manager who further added, "Be glad I didn't charge
you for the extras!"
3 birds went to see Dr. Vic, their local vet.
After examining bird no. 1, the doctor said, "You are
in fine shape, just need a little rest. By evening, you'll
be flyin' off into the sunset". And early in the evening,
the great eagle was seen flying westerly among the trees.
When bird no. 2's medical was completed, the doctor advised,
"You're a bit run down. Rest for a day and a half'
then you'll the fine and ready to fly again soon".
Two days later, someone spotted the owl on a midnight flight
among the trees.
After finishing the physical exam of bird no. 3, the good
old doc said, "You need lots of rest, you're pretty
much exhausted. Better rest up at least a week and then
you'll be ready to fly among others of your kind".
The 3rd bird replied' "Doubt that !!"
The Doc asked, "Why not ?"
The 3rd bird, "Cause I'm an ostrich."