"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES,
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS
Translated: "I was just wondering about that redhead
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but
I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was
a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will
bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realise it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Education Courses for Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need
New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can
Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears -- The Last Resort, Not
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
16. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behaviour: Leaving the Towels
on the Floor
17. Cooking I: Bringing Back Eggs and Butter
18. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
19. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other
20. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
21. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
23. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
24. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
25. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
26. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
27. Appreciating the Humour of the Three Stooges
28. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" --
Why Men Lie
29. TV Remotes: For Men Only