What the Doctor Ordered . . .
doctor's notes - unedited
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the 3rd day
it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
adult life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
22. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his
wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem,
and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on
the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on,
I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my
word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw
me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.