us have envied people, nay geniuses, who add spice to an everyday
word to define it with such clarity that we wonder, 'Why did
I not think of that?' Simple, but sheer brilliance! Here's
some I found on the net.
is injurious to your health, we have heard so many times,
and read if we bought a packet instead of smoking by only
borrowing, which many of us have a habit of. But, when someone
defines a cigarette as 'a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end and a fool at the other', it makes you
take a long puff and think; if you can, that is.
more so affairs that we imagine as love, come in the wham-bam
mould these days. Dump and ditch are the key words. And so
the pundits have come to a decision that those so-called 'love
affairs' are more 'like cricket where one-day internationals
are more popular than a five-day Test match'. Many affairs
lead to the Kazi office and often the Kazi makes it to the
Test venue with an obvious glee, which by no means is an expression
of his happiness for the just-married couple signing 'an agreement
in which the man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains
her master'. And, of course, divorce is the 'future tense
of marriage' and the past tense of a second marriage.
dare where angels fear to tread. One of the reasons why marriages
do not work is because of the occasional yawn, 'the only time
some married men ever get to open their mouth'.
a lot of things straight, even in a disturbed marriage, all
you need is a curve 'smile' you dirty mind. These days many
married people, both men and women, take refuge in the office
as it is THE place where they 'can relax after their strenuous
office there usually is another kind of boss away from home,
'someone who is early when you are late and late when you
are early'. For those of you who thought that divorce comes
only after marriage have never consulted a dictionary, 'where
divorce (always) comes before marriage'. Dictionary is part
and parcel of education, which should be registered under
the Ministry of Commerce these days, what with uni(que) varsities
trading with part-time teachers from other universities. Lectures
have been elevated to 'an art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students
without passing through the minds of either'. Academics and
the not-so academics consider arranging conferences on any
subject imaginable au courant.
deliberate with such authority that 'the confusion of one
man (is) multiplied by the number present'. Thankfully, most
in the audience are not listening and will wake up only when
they hear the speaker uttering 'etcetera' because it usually
marks the end, little realising that it is 'a sign to make
others believe that the speaker knows more than he actually
does'. This is an era of compromise. Everybody is talking
about it, more so the richer and the stronger, at both individual
and state levels. Iraq comes to mind. The powerful have guilefully
mastered 'the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece'. Certainly the interim
government in Iraq wants the Iraqi people to believe that.
you have seen the tears of the real 'Tiger' (no malice to
our struggling cricketers), Faria Alam on television. She
knows how to use 'the hydraulic force by which the masculine
willpower (of the English FA) can be defeated by feminine
waterpower'. I loved the headlines in a Bangla daily: Faria-2,
FA-0. Spare a thought for the England football coach, our
dulabhai. He is having a feeling when he feels that he is
going to feel a feeling that he has never felt before. That
state has been described as 'ecstasy'. Have you read 'War
and Peace'? Or, for that matter, 'Crime and Punishment'? 'Romeo
and Juliet' perhaps? Relax, neither have I. That is because
they are classics that 'people praise, but do not read'.
learnt from the English that when you want to shelve an idea
it is apt to form a committee, where 'individuals can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together'.
Members will never admit mistakes that they term as 'experience'.
Such committees are often manned by politicians, who 'shake
your hand before the elections and your confidence after'.
usually begrudge a 'successful' politician but have they not
grabbed the opportunities that they made sure came their way?
An opportunist 'starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river'. While falling from Eiffel Tower he says in
midway "See I am not injured yet". That's the kind
of person I would vote for. Not a pessimist 'who says that
O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter
in word OPPORTUNITY'.
(R) thedailystar.net 2004