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     Volume 4 Issue 16 | October 8, 2004 |

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Almost . . . But Not Quite!

"My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone."

There was a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who got invited to a fancy dress party. He didn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he wrote to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note saying, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thought this was terrible because they had just emphasised his wooden leg and so he wrote a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which said, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

There was this couple that had just had a baby. The baby was very cute except that he had one small problem -- he didn't have any ears. So one day the family came over to see the new bundle of joy. Everyone would walk up to the cradle and then come back whispering. Nine times out of ten, about the baby's ears. Well, Uncle Rahim went to the cradle but he just couldn't hold his opinion to himself.

He said, "The baby is cute, but what happened to its ears?"

So the mom ran away overflowing with tears and the husband said, "Uncle Rahim, my wife is still pretty sensitive about the baby's ears. Do you think that maybe you could say something nice about the baby?"

So Uncle Rahim agreed. The husband called everyone to the family room, including his wife, so that they could listen to Uncle Rahim.

Uncle Rahim said, "That baby sure does have beautiful skin just like his mother."

The wife gave a cheerful smile and blushed.

Then the uncle said, "Look at all those beautiful curly black locks he has!"

Then he said, "Oh, and those big black eyes, they're breathtaking!"

The dad said, "And they're 20/20 vision too!"

The uncle then said, "Well, I sure as hell hope so, because he sure couldn't wear any glasses!!"



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