world today is infested with three categories of people: (i)
guys, with bodies to die for, (ii) girls, with bodies to die
for, (iii) the majority, who do want to die because of their
body. You see, this last group possesses bodies that flaunt
an extra layer of fat, even around the ears. I have seen many
perfectly sane people plunging head-first into numerous weight
reduction techniques just so they won't fall under the third
banner. Through my meticulous training (in med-bhuri-ki-kori
organisations) and years of experience (giving weight related
advice to friend and foe alike) I have formulated an age and
sex-wise plan that, if followed scrupulously, should reduce
your weight drastically. It will soon herald the slim-trim
figure of your favourite hero/heroine on your own body. Read
on and rejoice.
Follow your parents' instructions. All of them.
Having just entered the age when the opposite sex commences
to have some sort of meaning, you will naturally be concerned
about your looks. Much of your time in front of the mirror
will be occupied by the intruding zits, pimples and black
heads. But you really ought to find time to turn sideways
and observe your profile. If the belly protrudes even by an
inch, stop eating. You'll become skinny again. The flip side
of the coin remains you'll stop growing taller. So? Your motto
is: It's better to be called "the Lilliput" than
This happens to be the most traumatising age for females.
With Claudia Schiffer's irritatingly hour-glass figure and
Britney Spear's expanse of perfectly flat belly as the measure,
what else do you expect? However much you strive (gym classes,
morning walks etc) a slight bulge in your lower belly is ubiquitous.
Let mom scream for the nth time
that all girls have it because of their Nature-endowed physiological
structure; you know it isn't so. Just look at Ashley Judd.
My advice is remove the stomach. A lot of space inside the
belly is taken up by the stomach. Throw it away, and your
belly automatically caves in. However, if you balk at such
radical and obviously irreversible surgical technique, the
other options available to you are anorexia and bulimia. Of
these, bulimia already has an international acclaim (Lady
Diana had it you know), and is therefore much preferred. You
may find running to the toilet or the nearest basket after
every meal with intermittent "WHAAAK!" sounds slightly
embarrassing, but those are the only chronic thorns in the
road to success. Besides, anorexia sometimes lands you in
Unlike your female counterparts, you are averse to openly
admitting your obsession with weight. After all you are the
macho man, aspiring to achieve the rippling muscles of Rock
and Sylvester Stallone. And yet, what happens if the required
bulge is there on your upper arm, but your best friend (the
jerk) astutely points out that instead of the heavenly combination
of actin and myosin what you actually have are layers upon
more layers of adipose tissue? As your new best friend, let
me inform you of the solution, which will effectively throw
buckets of bonnyar pani on that jerk's Hansie-Cronje-autographed
jersey… wear full-sleeved shirts. Brilliant, huh? Nevertheless
a snag remains. What if the adipose tissue made its abode
not only in your upper arm, but conquered the territories
below your diaphragm as well? You may harbour ill-judged plans
of hacking it all off. Pause, and consider. This drastic action
may have serious repercussions: you may not find trousers
with that thin a waist size in the fake CK shops. Plus, you
may even die. Therefore, this is what you ought to do. Wear
baggies. The current trend is to wear pants that are loose
enough and long enough to do half of Dhaka City Corporation's
work by sweeping the streets. You, on the other hand, will
take the trend to a higher level, by wearing equally loose
shirts that dip way below the knees. Any unwanted bulge will
automatically hide itself in the numerous folds of your…
By this age, your maturity must have reached new heights.
You do not engage in the teen-age fad of being really obsessed
with weight. It's all right. You can let down that cloak of
uncaring attitude. We're all friends here. The unobtrusive
throwing away of two-thirds of the biriyani from
your heaped plate is permitted. Flushing away the meticulously
prepared, calorie-lathered pastries may seem a waste to your
hostess, still it's only natural. Eating with a seeming relish
in front of your friends and colleagues and then toiling away
non-stop at the exercise machine for two straight weeks may
seem to be an extreme schedule to the fatter of the species
but I recognise your worth. I have nothing whatsoever to teach
you. You are a class of your own.
The wrinkles around your eyes have become too pronounced for
even plastic surgery. This is when you show the world your
blooming youth with an Attitude as the only tool. The perfect
weapon for that is the slim (bordering on Ethiopiar durbhikker
victim) body. To achieve this, no subterfuge will be needed
as it did in your early life. You can still do the daily pilgrimage
round Dhanmondi Lake, of course. But the following method
has a higher success rate. In all parties, take only half
a tablespoon of polao and a teaspoon of torkari.
Then take refuge of a running commentary. "Arrey
bhabiiii, ato moja kore radhen apniiiii! Attto kheye fellaaam.
Petta bhorei giyechheee. Ki jey mota hoye jachchhi naaaaa…"
Faced with this verbal onslaught no one will dare point out
that you've eaten absolutely nothing.
You have reached the age where you are desirous of hiding
your progressively increasing age. The T-shirts don't fit
anymore, yet you continue to wear them just so you don't have
to face the obvious fact. No problem. Carry on wearing them.
Haven't you seen the loose-pant/tight-Tshirt/comfortable-cap
wearing men jogging round Dhanmondi Lake every morning? Who
do you think they are? They are your pals. You don't recognise
them because of those all-hiding caps. Get a few of those.
Then jog all you want, climb as many flights of stairs you
want (heroically ignoring the perfectly functioning elevator
a feet off) and chivalrously carry as many lady's handbags
as you may possibly want to.
up (both sexes):
Follow your doctors' instructions. All of them.
The above guidelines should point you towards that slim-trim
figure. However, if these do not seem to work as adequately
as required, contact me. Naturally monetary reward will be
needed for each advice provided. But it won't be used for
my own benefit. It will be used to give my house a better
décor (which, as you see, helps the house, not me),
to buy me a new car (which helps the car industry, not me),
to provide education for my children (which helps the future
generation, not me) etc. I wouldn't dream of taking money
for my own use in return for helping humanity. No way.
(R) thedailystar.net 2004