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     Volume 4 Issue 69 | October 28, 2005 |

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Halloween Jokes

Hints from movies:

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, 'never' check to see if it's really dead.
  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognise this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, 'never' pair off and go in alone.
  • Do not take 'anything' from the dead.
  • As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  • If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, 'leave the room immediately if you value your life'.
  • and last but not least...
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Too old to trick or treat:
  • You get winded from knocking on the door.
  • You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
  • You ask for high fibre candy only.
  • When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
  • People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
  • When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
  • By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
  • You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
  • You're the only Power Ranger in the neighbourhood with a walker.
  • and last but not least...
  • You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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