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     Volume 5 Issue 79 | January 20, 2006 |

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Final Exam Fun

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...
♦ Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
♦ Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
♦ If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
♦ Make paper aeroplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
♦ Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
♦ Bring cheerleaders.
♦ Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
♦ On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
♦ Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
♦ Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
♦ Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
♦ Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
♦ As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
♦ Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
♦ Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
♦ Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
♦ Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
♦ Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
♦ From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
♦ Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
♦ If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
♦ Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
♦ Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
♦ Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
♦ Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
♦ Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".




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