My wife is beating me
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
I want to lose some weight
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
You're in great health
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flowerbeds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Do you have a solution?
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Get me an ambulance now
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
The prison hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Would you please do me a favour?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
We need to help these people
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
An invisible man is here to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
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