Questions a Politician Fears
(Inspired by “Man's 5 Most Feared Questions”, as available on the Net)
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love the people of your constituency?
3. What would you do if your party lost the next general elections?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major disaster if the politician answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). So the politician is very careful and tells a lie, which is part of his business.
*Question 1: What are you thinking about?*
The uttered answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive bhaiya. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent citizen you are, and how fortunate this country is to have you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the actual answer, which is kept silent and which could be any one of the following:
a. There has been a tremendous fall in my personal popularity (what does the future hold?)
b. The number of candidates has increased tenfold (from my party in my constituency) and I fear my netri will make a big mistake and nominate someone else
c. The amount of money I have spent, how will I ever get it back?
d. Reforms in the Election Commission, kon d-k jai who knows?
e. What I will do and can do after Your Boringness has left this place
f. That's none of your bleeding business
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by one, who once told a voter: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you" He lost the next elections.
* Question 2: Do you love the people of your constituency?*
The uttered response is: "Yes, they are the source of our power, the petrol for all our activities, our beginning and our end, without them my day is dark, my night is not bright. Who am I without my people?" He starts to cry. Drama always gets you votes.
Inappropriate but true responses kept unsaid include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. Do I have an option? We have no choice. It is so unfortunate that I was born in that elaka.
d. You call this love? Do you know what true love is? Go see the movie “Kaho na pyar hai” (Politicians have always been confused)
e. The ones I love stay away from me.
f. You call them people?
*Question 3: What would you do if your party lost the next general elections?*
The correct answer is an emphatic: "We don't do politics for power. We shall continue to work for the downtrodden people of my beloved country"
Among the incorrect but true answers retained in the mind are:
b. Take the first flight to Ibiza where I have a 20-bed mansion overlooking the sea
c. Wait for sometime before joining the winning party. There is no sesh kawtha in politics.
d. Solemnise the marriage of my son with the new minister's daughter, needen pokkhe state minister. In that way beaee and I can both protect each other, if there is a swing in favour of either's opposition.
e. We will move the judge court, the high court and the supreme court
f. Call hartal the day after the results are announced
(R) thedailystar.net 2006