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     Volume 5 Issue 113 | September 22, 2006 |

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Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

7. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

Address students as "worm."

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

13. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

14. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

15. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

18. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

19. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
20. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Stupid Questions

* Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
* Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
* Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
* Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
* Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
* Why do toasters always have a setting on them, which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
* What do people in China call their good plates?
* If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
* Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
* If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
* Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?


Source: Lotsofjokes.com


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