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     Volume 5 Issue 117 | October 20, 2006 |

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Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I am a second semester BBA student of a private university. I’ve fallen in love with a Muslim girl. I myself am Hindu. Both our families are very conservative. I love the girl very much but have not expressed my feelings to her because of this differences, which is working as a barrier. I don’t know what to do. Should I become an atheist? How can I make this work?

Dear S,
Inter-religious relationships are not very easy to handle, especially when one is as young as you are. I do not think turning atheist will help in this case. Since you have not expressed your love, you do not know if she is at all interested in you. You need to find that out before you go further. If she is not interested then you should respect her wish and back out of this. If she agrees then you need to think how you will face and overcome the many challenges that may come your way.

Dear Mita,
I’m a student of Class 9. I stood first in my last exams and have become very proud ever since. I feel invincible, as if I’m the best and no one can ever beat me. I realise this isn’t healthy, and it’s also ruining my concentration on my studies. Please help me.
The Best

Dear Best,
Please do not get too worried about it. This is the time your personality is getting formed. There will be many changes as you grow older. Some personality traits you will take along and some you will shed. It is a very positive sign that you have identified one negative personality trait. I am sure that once you start to work on it slowly you will come out of it. There is nothing wrong in feeling proud about an achievement. However, if it turns into arrogance then one has to check it.

Dear Mita,
I’m 22-years-old and in love with a married woman. She is 25 and has a son and a daughter. We started talking over the phone just for fun and didn’t even see each other for the first month. But gradually things began to get serious, and we started spending a lot of time together. Her husband knows everything; I even spoke to him. At one point he wanted a divorce, but he is a very soft-hearted person and hasn’t been able to go through with it. Our families have also found out about the matter and are very shocked. I have tried to convince the woman to forget me but she refuses to listen. I am rude with her when she calls. I’ve told her I have another girlfriend. My friends have tried to convince her to break off our relationship. But she continues to call me to say that all she wants is to talk to me. I just can’t make her understand that she has two young children and a really good husband who I know would be wrong to abandon. I can’t concentrate on my own studies and life has just become hell for me. What should I do?

Dear R,
From what I can tell, you don’t seem to be in love with this woman any longer. If that is the case then you should tell her frankly. Regarding two young children, well, you both should have thought about this before entering into such a relationship. The fact that she has a husband and children is nothing new. To be very honest, you should try to get out of this and the sooner the better. Such relationships cause pain and misery to many people, most of all to children. Since you are no longer in love with her, you should not prolong this relationship.

Dear Mita,
I’m a 26-year-old man. My problem is that I am a bit of a peeping Tom. As in, I’m always peering into my neighbour’s houses, always on the look-out for women, especially in, well, compromising situations. I’ve been doing this for years, ever since I was a teenager. I even have binoculars. I didn’t even realise this was wrong to do until my older sister caught me one day. Now I realise that this is a perverse habit, but I can’t resist it. It’s as if I’m addicted to it. How can I stop?
Peeping Tom

Dear Peeping Tom,
We form most of our moral values at a young age, much before 26. However, since you have realised, perhaps it may be possible to change this unfortunate habit. This is demeaning and destructive to both yourself and to the person who is in a way a victim of your bad habit. Such habits have roots in psychological factors, such as family orientation and the environment you grew up in. I suggest you see a psychologist or psychiatrist as this will require some assessment and counselling.

Dear Mita,
I am a 26-year-old student of a public university. I’m being pressured by my parents to get married, though I want to go abroad for higher studies. I’m actually in love with a man some years older than me. He is pretty much established as he has his own business. But the problem is that he hasn’t even passed his HSC. His father died while he was in school and he had to take up the family business and couldn’t go back. Because it’s important to me and especially my family that he be educated, I have asked him to try. I have to give him credit for trying these past few years, but sadly, he failed his HSC exams three times. I realise it’s difficult to go back to school after a long gap, but I don’t think my parents will accept him without at least an HSC, preferably a Bachelors degree. I come from a well-off family and being educated myself, I obviously get marriage proposals from well-educated, well-established men, which increases the pressure on me. What is there for me/us to do?

Dear ZR,
You have to ask yourself what it is that you are looking for in your life partner. If this person fulfills all those criteria then you should not make his lack of education into a major issue. However, you should also be aware that such a difference in education between husband and wife often leads to tension and a sense of inferiority especially among men. If both of you are aware of this and are confident that in spite of all this you are suited to each other then go ahead and convince your parents. They will end up listening to you, they always do.

Dear Mita,
I’m a 23-year-old, third year BBA student. I love a girl who has just finished her HSC exams. We love each other more than anything and can’t go a day without seeing each other. I had been applying abroad to complete my BBA and do my MBA. I finally got the chance to go but I can’t tell my girlfriend about it because she will be very upset. I don’t know what to do. Should I decline the offer to go abroad? Or should I get married before going? Please help.

Dear A,
You should neither decline nor get married before going abroad. Deep and sincere love requires some sacrifices. Being away from each other in order to complete one's education is not the end of the world. Getting married now is not the solution because you both are not ready. Marriage is serious business and such decisions should not be taken in haste or based on sentiments. Moreover, the years of separation will make your love stronger and by the time you return both of you will be more confident about the relationship.

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