The Little Bumps we call Life
Actual Label Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
4. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
5. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
6. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
7. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
8. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
9. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
10. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
11. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
12. Why is there always one in every crowd?
13. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
14. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
15. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a nonprophet organisation.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
(R) thedailystar.net 2006