The Grammar of Bangladesh Politics
[Alternate words that you can define yourself are in parenthesis]
A is for Association [assassination]: Try to be member of as many associations as possible. Form some associations where you can become convenor. The names of the associations will be printed on your two-fold visiting card. They will give out four-colour congratulatory messages in newspapers if you win, and remain quiet if you do not.
B is for Bou [bribery]: Most certainly you have to be a male politician to qualify for this benefit. This can come to your profit unless of course you have more than one, hidden or exposed.
C is for Chika [casualty]: Learn to develop good wall handwriting with large brushes, as sometimes you have to write imaginary good things about you on other people's wall in the darkness of the night to lure their votes in the morning.
D is for Democracy [DC/returning officer]: You hate it when it is applied against you, but love it when it gives you an advantage over your political, economic, social, and cultural opponent.
E is for Elections [eviction]: Publicly you say you want it, but secretly you would be happy if by some mechanism you could be declared elected every five years or so.
F is for Facilities [fraud]: This is why you will be doing politics. You get them whether you are in power or not, because the threat of the powerless returning is always on the card.
G is for Godee [gossip]: You will sit in a much upholstered cushioned chair, but you refer to it as this just to make the millions of voters feel that like them you still sit on the floor.
H is for Hijack [habeas corpus]: This is an option that you can apply to your nearest rival, the voters, or the ballot box subject to the possible outcome of the balloting.
I is for I [idolatry]: This is what you believe in. Often you misunderstand it as 'eye for an eye'.
J is for jaccheta [jote]: This is what you can utter after entering politics. You are accountable to no one. You can make up your statistics, based on your wishful thinking. If you are proven wrong by documentary evidence, that is because they want to harm you politically.
K is for kissa [kangaroo court]: This you have to churn out if you have lost the elections to a rookie.
L is for Lies [liquor]: This is an essential ingredient to sustain over the hearts of millions of voters, none of who are blind, if you have a score to settle with your opponent.
M is for Mastan, Media, and Manifesto [magistrate]: These you need in varying orders depending on who you are tackling the public, the public, or the public.
N is for Nomination [neta]: This you seek from your party leadership at whatever cost, even at the cost of your party.
O is for O [Oh my God]: This is someone you blame for your failures from whichever bench you may be sitting in parliament.
P is for Police [promises]: You must have a good relationship with them otherwise you would not even be able to imagine about doing politics.
Q is for quality [quid]: This is one thing you do not need to do politics. If you have it you are at liberty to use it for other purposes, such as business, industry, performing arts, etc.
R is for razakar [results]: This is an absolute necessary 'hate' matter in your campaign, as was well and happily demonstrated in the last Jatiya elections.
S is for sorry [syndicate]: This you have to say if you are out of power for five years and now want to make a comeback as a winner despite loan defaulting, tax evasion, corruption, or murder.
T is for Tyaka [tender]: In political finance your five lakh tyaka equals to fifty, and no mathematician or election commissioner can do kissu about it.
U is for Ukil [ultra]: You will need one on payment, more if you lose, to vent your rage and hide your embarrassment. If you win you will get one free to fight against the losing ticket.
V is for Vaijaan [VAT]: This is how you address the elders who have reached the age as that of your uncles. It makes them happy; a sure vote-getter if you can bhaabi their significant other.
W is for Wife [withheld]: She should not be by your side during the closing days of the election campaign. She should rather seek votes separately elsewhere.
X is for XXX [xenophobia]: Measures adopted by you as a politician and your lackeys for mutual benefit.
Y is for yes [young voters]: This you say by thumping on your desk vigorously when it comes to taking duty free cars, increasing your salary, securing indemnity, and such other public issues, because you are public property on paper [PPP], or public-private partnership.
Z is for zzzzzzz [zaal]: This should not be your full time employment after you get an important government assignment. Sadly, often it is.
You may thank the originators of the English alphabets, which they kindly restricted to only 26.
(R) thedailystar.net 2009