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    Volume 9 Issue 33| August 13, 2010|

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One closed window, many open doors


If you cannot get along, try. If you fail, try. If it becomes impossible, just leave the relationship.

While I do not question the obligation of the police to file a case against Bilashi, the anguished mother who put her two sons and herself on fire in grieving over her husband's marriage to another, the timing of the announcement of the police action could have been deferred on humanitarian grounds. The wretched woman was then just a breath away from her sons, one succumbing to severe burns and another not any better. For a day later, her second son was gone, and she too met what she so very tragically designed to achieve.

One can only imagine the pain being suffered today by Bilashi's husband, who never perhaps contemplated that gaining a second wife for whatever reason would be at the cost of his two sons, beloved they must be; every child to every father is. In her own courtroom Bilashi the judge has sentenced her man, who she must have loved most dearly, to a lifetime of torment and shame. His mental condition today I do not even want to delve into.

The alarming matter arising out of the distressing incident leading to the death of mother Bilashi and her two children is that yet another woman jumped on to a running train with her baby girl on her lap. This lady too was devastated after her husband's second marriage.

None of us are in a position to understand the circumstances compelling the two women to choose this sinful path and that too with the blessed gifts of their womb, nor is this an occasion to be judgmental, as outsiders we can have only hoped that the adults leave the children out of their quarrels.

They say marriages are made in heaven, and we are seeing on a daily basis how some of them are being dumped into hellish fire. It is ordained in Islam that the mismatched and irreconcilable partners in wedlock should part their ways under a given code of life. If you cannot get along, try. If you fail, try. If it becomes impossible, just leave the relationship. There is no need to kill each other, or one's own self. The other person is just not worthy of your companionship. Most importantly, children should not be dragged into it, because you do not have their consent.

It is very much possible that the disturbed mental state of a person can be responsible for this sort of aggravated action. But these things do not take place overnight. A husband-wife irritable situation develops over months and in some cases years. In that case the onus lies with the friends and the relatives of the persons concerned, as they who matter to them turned a blind eye. The important persons in their life did not come forward to reconcile and reunite. In avoiding a presumably unworkable marital condition brewing over a period of time, the persons on their f&f list did not serve the interest of the children.

Counselling at all levels is one of the vital keys to putting an end to such horrific acts of immolation. And I do not vouch for paid counselling. Such support must come from the near and dear ones of those in distress. The sacrifice by time and words must be made by the people who matter to those in such awful psychological state.

To them I say, although it is easier said than done, that it is not necessary to suffer alone. The world is too big a place. There are too many options, too many opportunities. If one window is closed, however big, look around and you will see dozens of doors swinging open. They open for you.

It is very important that you share your woes with someone. It could be your parents, your brothers and sisters, your friends, someone you trust, a colleague at work, a teacher, a relative, a friend of a friend, anyone.

Although I can never feel the pinch of their shoes, I share the sentiment of the women who expressed their anger at their men. But that is definitely not the right way to deal with your life that has been bestowed upon you by Allah subhanu wa ta'ala, who owns it, not you.

I too share the anger of women, and conceivably in some cases men too, when the opposite partner behaves in an unacceptable manner. But giving your life will not mend the broken pitcher. Sympathy is what you are begging for. Why not instead give some of it to your spouse? It is better to teach them those who wander away a lesson by becoming successful yourself, and by making your children into magnificent beings, the envy of the society, the burning fire of the person who once upon a time looked the other way, the wrong way.




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