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       Volume 11 |Issue 17 | April 27, 2012 |


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Write to Mita

Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I have a son who is now 28 years old and he still has not graduated from university. He dropped out when he was in his second year for no apparent reason, and returned to Bangladesh to live with me and my husband. He has not studied or done any work since then. As far as I know, he does not take drugs or alcohol and the psychologist we had taken him to seems to find nothing wrong with him. He simply decided not to do anything with his life and just sit at home. He eats and sleeps and watches TV but over the years he stopped communicating with us. He has also cut off all connections with his friends. We are getting old now and I worry about what will become of my son after we are gone. He is our only child and will have no one to turn to. Please tell me what I should do. I am at my wits end.
Lost Mum

Dear Lost Mum,
This must be very painful and frustrating. Since you have made sure that he does not suffer from any psychological problems, I suggest long term counseling. He needs to talk to someone he trusts, someone who is sympathetic but will be professional and has a background on family counseling. There must be some reason for his behaviour and why he has lost all motivation to do anything with his life. Try to get him reconnected, find a friend who will give him time and patience. I know this is hard but you are after all his only hope if he is to get out of it. Don't let him be alone and brood for a long period of time. Talk to him, find things that will interest him, movies, TV, serials, anything that he might want to strike up a conversation with you. Best of luck. Let me know if this helps.

Dear Mita,
I have always been a big fan of your column. I never thought I would have a problem I couldn't find a solution for myself, but just recently I have experienced just that. I think my husband is cheating on me. I have no proof of this; it's just a gut feeling. We have been married for ten years now and I am familiar with every aspect of his life and I have noted slight changes in him recently. He is getting more text messages than usual and deleting his messages regularly. He is also suddenly obsessed with his computer and stays up half the night browsing the net. It's not just that—there's something different about him. Should I ask him about it? The suspicion is eating me up inside.

Dear Confused,
Accusing your partner of cheating is a very serious matter and must be dealt with caution and maturity. While it is true that a wife or husband might understand a lot of things about each other instinctively yet, it is not wise to make aspersions without being sure of the facts. The most important thing in a marriage is communication. Once that breaks down elements such as suspicion comes in. For a while take this suspicion out of your head and think about all the wonderful things that have happened in your life since you got married. Try to build on the positive and engage your husband in a dialogue related to your relationship, trust etc. If nothing works then of course you should confront him. Hopefully your suspicion will turn out to be only in your imagination.

Dear Mita,
I am a 29-year-old unmarried girl living in Dhaka. All my friends are either married or on the verge of getting married and this is driving me insane. It's not just the family pressure, I want to get married myself. I'm tired of being single and want the security of a relationship. The problem is, I can't seem to find a decent guy for myself. Maybe I am being too picky but I want someone who is smart, decent looking and makes a good living. All the men I have met and dated so far are either too full of themselves or too possessive and obsessive. I don't like the idea of an arranged marriage so my options are limited. What do you think I should do?

Dear Frustrated,
Life is all about making adjustments and compromises at the right time. If you are 29, still not married yet wanting to get married, then you should try some other strategy. First, it is difficult to find a person of your choice especially after you have completed college and university in this society. Chances of meeting eligible men diminishes with time. Although you don't like arranged marriage, you should compromise by allowing yourself to be introduced to prospective men. This way you can get to know some and who knows, you might even like one of them. True, many South Asian men are possessive and full of them themselves but there are some who are willing to accept women as equal partners. I am confident there is someone out there waiting to be discovered.

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