Home  -  Back Issues  -  The Team  -  Contact Us
    Volume 11 |Issue 42| October 26, 2012 |


 Cover Story
 Current Affairs
 Food for Thought
 Writing the Wrong
 Star Diary
 Write to Smita

   SWM Home

Cover Story


What if they finally decide to call it a day, leaving us all behind in an abyss of darkness, which some of them have so thoroughly, so painstakingly created for us, their subjects? No, silly! We are not contemplating the size and nature of their eternal resting place in the afterlife. Rather, the Star is proposing a retirement plan for some of the famous and/or infamous characters of our nation, without whom our life would have been dull, drab and dry.

Ahmede Hussain

Daughter of Peace, Daughter of Language, Daughter of the Sea, Daughter of Democracy, Daughter of Bengal, Daughter of all Daughters, Dr Shakseena
Retirement Plan: Writer
Alternative Retirement Plan: President, Planet Bank

Princess Shakseena has a budding writer in her. After retirement (God forbid), she should seriously consider putting pen to paper. We have some titles at the back of our undeveloped little brains: "Rental goes Mental", "How to Handle Reformists in 10 Weeks", "A Passage to Jigatola", "Abul's End", "Three Idiots", "Moni's Travels", and "How to Advise your Advisors."

They might not have yielded any productive result, but Shakseena is also overflowing with ideas, old and new. The latest has been revealed to her at nowhere else but the Nations Unies's Loya Jirga where she has proposed that the Planet Bank (PB) has become a redundant institution and it is in urgent need of reform. We believe the only person who can salvage a troubled institution like the PB is her–she knows how to sideline the reformists, she can hire Pahara Khatun and silence anyone who will oppose her presidency. She can appoint hordes of nincompoop advisers who can earn some quick bucks through rental power plants and other such inane and costly projects.

We beg to add here that even though many world leaders, especially from Africa and Latin America, have already demanded it, the proposal to reform the PB is an absolutely new one, and her Loya Jirga speech has been well-timed as it will surely earn us some brownie points regarding the PB's funding of the bridge. Princess Shakseena deserves the Nobel Prize for Piece for such a new, unique, bold, brave and brilliant idea.

Chur-onjeet Sin Gupta
Duke without Duty
Retirement Plan: Member, People for the Ethical Treatment of Black Cats (PETBC)
Alternative Retirement Plan: Director of the Film 'Toley Toley Tempoo Choley' (Drive me Crazy).

He wanted to catch black cats who were stealthily trying to cross the country's rail lines, but one day (night actually, 12 at night it was, to be precise), Deng Xiaoping, his mentor from the student days, turned up in his dream with a bagful of mice. Chur-onjeet fainted (this is really bizarre, isn't it?), and when he regained consciousness, the dream resumed. Deng gave an angry sermon in Chinese, the head or tail of which Chur-onjeet could not understand. A 5-minute call to Dilip Boro Hu Ha solved the puzzle. Below is an edited excerpt (certain parts we have left blank as they deal with national security):

DBHH: Dada you are a XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security).
CSG: English or Bengali, please, Seeloti will also do.

DBHH: I meant you were silly. Why are you after black cats? Comrade Deng is angry. He wants you to leave all the black cats in the world alone. He is saying, "It doesn't matter whether a cat is white or black, as long as it catches mice." Look at XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security), who is running the XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security) and everywhere in his office, from sweeper to secretary, you will see former members of XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security). Or take XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security), what merit does he have to run XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security)? His son has made off with millions, and what is your son doing? Sitting, sitting, doing nothing! (sic) Appoint an ex-member of your former Party as your APS. Listen to what Comrade Deng is saying; otherwise you will land in a big crisis.

CSG: You are an XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security). You talk of communism and you are the most XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security) bourgeoisie in the cabinet. This Deng-Teng theory is obsolete nowadays. Don't give me this mumbo-jumbo. What black cat? That was a metaphor, you XXX (Left blank as it deals with national security).

Little did he know that his APS's driver Azam was a Maoist, who secretly talked to Deng Xiaoping through planchette. Azam hired some black cats (BC), who stole money and fish-bones from the Kingdom's reserve bank and put them under Chur-onjeet's bed. In connivance with Tom Cruise and the director of MI II John Woo (a Chinese-born, hence a Maoist), the BCs even planted his son's look alike in an IT firm where billions were invested. When the BCs could not carry out the responsibilities of putting bagsful of money under Chur-onjeet's bed any more, Azam drove a car inside the family planning office in Pill Khana. Deng's curse thus came full circle.

Now is the time to redeem. Chur-onjeet has killed a lot of black cats and has earned the wrath of Deng Xiao Ping. After retirement, he can become a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Black Cats. This is the only way he can redeem; we have talked to famous black cats in the country– General (retard) Borbad, A Bool Hossain, MA Fal (t) U, Padma Moshi and Dorbesh to name a few–and everyone has unequivocally said that BCs need to be protected to safeguard the kingdom's sovereignty and to prevent the war criminals from getting back to power.

Chur-onjeet has reportedly been planning to make a film called 'Toley Toley Tempoo Choley', where he himself is going to star opposite Ish Hooria could not be contacted for her comment.

Dolly Bee
Retirement Plan: Family Therapist
Alternative Retirement Plan: CEO, Rheinmetall AG, Germany

Failure is the pillar of success, they say. And when it comes to parenting, Queen Dolly Bee has made many pillars. In fact, if they were real pillars, hundreds of Padma bridges could have been built with them. Her failures have harmed the nation, but it has not affected her in any way. When her husband, the Rambo of Bengal, King Komol died in the hands of some degenerate Royal Guards, he had left behind a broken suitcase, a torn check book and some dimes. Dolly Bee has never been into putting a leash on her sons' mischief and her reluctance has given birth to a world of nepotism and kleptocracy. Princes Trek and Koko Chanel have made off with millions while Queen Dolly Bee was on her throne, and should she decide to retire, we earnestly believe that she should start giving advice to millions of owners of broken suitcases in the country on how to mother money-spinning sons.

In case you are wondering what Rheinmetall AG is, it is a German company that produces arges grenade. During Dolly Bee's monarchy there was an abundance of arges in the country, so much so that some obscure petty thief called Joj Miah allegedly got hold of a handful of them, and thinking the grenades were pomegranates, rich in minerals and vitamins, he started to throw them at Princess Shakseena, who, Joj thought, was suffering from scurvy and Beriberi disease. To avoid such misunderstanding, we propose that Dolly Bee take over the post of the CEO of Rheinmetall AG. In fact, Princes Trek and Chanel can buy off the German company so that there is an abundance of arges…oops…pomegranates in Golden Bengal again.

General (retard) HM Borbad
President, Jatra Party (JP)
Retirement Plan: Chief buffoon in Mohajot Circus
Alternative Retirement Plan: Lyricist in the film called 'You Pom Gana?'

Buffoon he has always been, but never in a circus. After calling it a day, Borbad can easily form a circus party where he can incorporate all the tricks he has been pulling off in his stay in the present Mohajot. He can show us how to give threats to pull out of a political alliance in the morning and remain in it happily ever after. Besides many (other) tigresses, it can have special appearances by Bee Dee Sha, Raw Sean and Zee Nut Aman.

Borbad is also a poet, or so he thinks he is. While he was running the kingdom, many poets laureate used to write poems for him, which would get published in the following day's paper carrying Borbad's by-line. Nowadays he has stopped 'writing' poems, but we have caught the deposed monarch once humming, 'Amar ghum bhangaia gelo re morar kokile' (This blighted koel has woken me up and has flown away). The kingdom is abuzz with rumours that Borbad has finally written lyrics for a song in Gana-famed MA Jalil's new blockbuster 'You Pom Gana?' The name has not yet been finalised, according to unconfirmed sources, which think it might in the end be called 'BBA Pom Mansister.' When we have requested Borbad for the lines that he has written for the new flick, he read it out from a sheaf of paper:

Kotobar o bhebechinu apona bhulia
Tomar o ridhoy e dibo choron o tulia

(Many a time I have thought of losing myself
and put my feet on your heart)

We get the shock of our life here, because there is a Tagore song eerily similar to Barbad's where the bard declares his wish to put his heart, as homage, at his lady love's feet. When we drew Borbad's attention to it, the Gen (retard) smiled timidly, adding, the song has been revealed to him in a dream.

Padma Moshi
Royal Adviser (Economic Affairs), (on leave?) to Princess Shakseena
Retirement Plan: Astrologer
Alternate Retirement Plan: Brand ambassador of Shada Kalo

A chequered life in bureaucracy behind him, Padma Moshi became the Queen's Economic Affairs Adviser in 2009. With his Dominique de Villepin like white hair and matching panjabi and pyjama, Moshi had cut quite a figure among the royal advisers. The charm offensive started to fade soon though, for Moshi could not hold his tongue long enough. To our sheer horror, he was once heard saying that a certain country should be given transit free of cost because, as Muslims we were supposed to respect our neighbour's right to passage. His saintly advice did not go down well with ordinary, religious Bangladeshis who considered the idea suicidal, not to mention foolish.

The name Padma Moshi suddenly started to pop up in the bridge scandal, when the Planet Bank refused to issue loan even after former communication duke A Bool Hossain's resignation from the cabinet. At a press conference, his only one prior to going on a leave, Moshi predicted that the bridge would not be completed in the Queen's term in office. Everyone laughed at his expense for in a day or two after the fateful prophecy, the Bank returned to the project. But now that the bridge has become uncertain again, we have to swallow our words. Moshi will make a good astrologer, and there is an abundance of dim-witted citizens in the kingdom to keep his new venture up and running.

On second thought, we also believe that Moshi has flirted long enough with the colour white and he should seriously welcome some shades of black into his life. It will also go well with his present predicament. There is only one designer outlet we know of that caters to clients who don such garb–Shada Kalo. If astrology fails him, Padma Moshi can always resort to what we believe is his secret passion–modelling.

All places, characters, institutions and events described in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to any person or institution living or dead is purely coincidental.

Copyright (R) thedailystar.net 2012