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    Volume 11 |Issue 47| November 30, 2012 |


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Cover Story


Ay See See says former princes Cocoa and Trek are guilty, Queen Dolly says the boys are innocent.

Special Correspondent with additional

In a ground breaking development yesterday, the Ay See See (abbreviations have been banned) have announced that they have managed to retrieve 20.41 lakh (with another 9.32 crore more on the way) of the 13 crore taka that these two beguiling princes and their minions syphoned away from the nation's wealth to a place called Lionsland.

This is the first time that the Ay See See (Esho Daekho Daekho) has actually recovered stolen money though it was graciously returned by the Kingdom of Lionsland and the amount is a fraction of the actual loot. The money has been deposited in a special account called the 'Stolen Asset Recovery Account'.

The Princes' mother, former Queen Dolly Bee, however, has taken a 360 degree opposite direction, being leader of the Opposing Party. In public statements, including tweets, she has said “My boy Trek is innocent, he leads an innocent life, he has never engaged in corruption, he has always thought of the wellbeing of this kingdom. And he has no wealth.” Eminent psychologist Dr Fruedur Rahman has said this is atypical of Bongoland mothers who stay in denial of their son's misdemeanours. Being a male obsessed society, said Rahman, mothers tend to put their sons on a pedestal, refusing to believe that they can do anything bad despite constant proof to the contrary, constantly indulging in them, allowing them to do as they like and seeing them as saints complete with halos and heavenly music in the background.

According to reliable sources, organisations as prestigious as the FBI have testified against the elder Prince.

Queen Dolly Bee's right-hand man, Mirza Vociferul has said it is all a 'conspiracy against the rightful rule of Prince Trek, whom all the subjects of the kingdom are waiting for, to bring back peace and tranquility to the land.'

Philosopher Voltairul Quader has rationalised the whole affair by saying that the money was not 'stolen' but rather earned as it was considered 'commission' for public contracts that Prince Trek, Prince Cocoa and their cohorts took and kept in safety in Lionsland. When asked whether this was considered bribery, the philosopher gave a quizzical look and said with a sarcastic grin: “Bribe, commission, stealing – words, mere words.”

Disclaimer: All news, views, characters, persons and institutions in these stories are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone/anything real is purely coincidental.

Bongoland Shining Queen Shaksina says


At an awards ceremony yesterday for meritorious but underprivileged children from the capital's most dilapidated area, Queen Shaksina gave a glowing account of the kingdom's state of semi-nirvana. The awards ceremony took place at a five-star hotel as the roads where the children's shelter was located were too damaged for the Queen's bullet-proof carriage to go through. Palace sources have revealed that the chauffeur of the car refused to go there because of the possible harm to the Royal vehicle.

“Today I am promising you that one day you will all be doctors, engineers, even kings and queens (if you can find some blood relationship with one of us Royals). This is because now the whole world is recognising the progress this kingdom has made in terms of economic growth, foreign investment, remittances from other lands our brothers and sisters send, attire industry and so on. All this has been found by The Universal Lender of Last Resort, by the news magazine The Thriftiest and others.” The Queen however, did not mention how both these reports have stated that this progress has happened almost miraculously despite the bloody battles of the two queens' men, the bitter enmity between the two monarchs, the rampant looting and secret disappearing, the very very poor governing.

After the Queen's speech, the children were found with open-mouthed amazement. It was not known whether it was shock, confusion or sheer hunger that evoked this expression. Later an improved diet and sweets were distributed among the little mites.

Anger Management courses for Student Cadres of all parties

Undercover Correspondent

Representatives of the Ministry of Education announced at a closed door meeting of cabinet yesterday that the only way to solve the problem of student cadres pouncing on each other and the law enforcers of the kingdom was to make them take mandatory anger management courses. This has been thought of in the wake of a fresh spate of mindless violence carried out by cadres of various political parties at various university campuses. Tendon Cutters Army will be given priority and courses are completely free for them. The sessions will be tailored to help mitigate the boiling rage of these young men and will include such practices as knitting, playing Solitaire, deep tissue massages to get rid of the knots of anger in their necks, emotion inducing music (like shenai solos) and films that are heartwarming and sad such as Pather Panchali and Les Misérables, says one of the course designers refusing vehemently to give his name for security reasons. A suggestion to make them watch Master Chef Australia to channel their knife cutting skills into more productive uses (like cutting a Turkey into a hundred perfect cubes) is still under discussion. For the two present and former Queens' junior cadres, otherwise known as Tender Lovers, documentaries on peaceful icons such as Gandhiji, Mother Teresa and Helen Keller will be shown. Meanwhile a software company owned by a bunch of thirteen-year-olds have given a proposal of making these special students play specially designed video games called 'Burn the car', 'Torch the bike' and 'Smash the face'. The unique feature of these games, says one of the owners, whose mother refused to let her son's name be revealed, is that instead of getting points for every hit, the gamer will actually lose points, becoming a pile of sewerage if he reaches the 'grenade attack' level. To win, the gamer must avoid all possible temptations to vandalism and do tasks such as clean the street litter, feed the beggars and pick as many olive branches as possible to offer their rivals. Bonus scores can be achieved through 'Hug thy Enemy' features.

The final decision on these courses will be announced through gazzetted notification within an indefinite period say ministry sources on condition of anonymity.

BD rejects Thai Chi's citizenship

Staff Correspondent, additional reporting by SORAYA AUER

Pro-democracy icon Aung Sand Thai Chi's request for Bangladeshi citizenship in 2001 was rejected by senior government officials, a Right to Information Act request by the Star reveals.

Aung Sand Thai Chi, 67, sought Bangladeshi nationality during The Daughters' League's previous term in government, citing irreconcilable differences between herself and her motherland, Myandyour.

The Right to Information Act request exposes the Noble lady crossed the Bangladeshi border along Myandyour's Rakhine state on February 21, 2001. She arrived with a dozen Rohingya refugees who she befriended during the arduous journey, according to locals. In the note section of her rejected application, Thai Chi wrote “I hope arriving on your soil on this special day marks my commitment to starting afresh in your nation as a citizen of Bongoland.” The reason for rejection is said to be because it was assumed Thai Chi was Rohingya.

According to records, the Noble lady completed a Bangla language course on the beaches of Cox's Bazar and even married a Bangladeshi fisherman to give strength to her application, the latter of which she now adamantly denies doing.

Shona Moni, Minister of Foreign Disasters, spoke exclusively with the Star to say: “The truth is Aung Sand Thai Chi can never become a Bangladeshi citizen. We have too many Bangladeshis as it is. And we have a strict policy against naturalising Rohing -- I mean -- Myandyourese because they are not ethnic Bengalis and look -- it's hard enough making our own ethnic groups think being Bangladeshi makes them Bengalis. If we accept one foreign opposition leader, we'll find ourselves having to say yes to many more.” She added, under her breath, possibly so the Star correspondent would not hear, “One opposition woman is enough.”

The senior government official who countersigned the rejection stamp could not be recognised due to an ineligible squiggle of a signature. However, both Secretaries of The Daughters' League and The Wives' Association were willing to comment in a joint statement.

“Our leaders, Queen Shakshina and Queen Dolly Bee, agree to disagree on everything in this country -- from the existence of corruption to existence of pot holes -- however, on this momentous occasion, our leaders are joined in unison on this issue. They agree that there is enough main political parties led by democratic women in the country and allowing Aung Sand Thai Chi to enter the country as a rightful daughter of the nation would only encourage an alliance between herself and the public enemy number one: Doctor You-Know-Who. This will result in a civil war and our two beautiful and compassionate leaders prefer to keep fighting at a hartal level only.”

“My father is non-communal” claims son

TAMANNA KHAN (back from Fdc)

Acting in the lead role of 'Baba keno Chakar?' (Why is Father a Servant?), son of Ghulam de Cleanland gave proof of his father's non-communal beliefs at the film's tribunal set scene. The shooting took place in FDC's Studio-1.

Playing the part of a devoted son, the hero said since his father believed in the existence of only one sect in a country, he could not but help be non-communal. He after all believed in all communities (except Hindus, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Jains or any other non-Sunni Muslims). He defended his father's speeches in the past in which Ghulam ordered the annihilation of other sects and religious communities of the country. The son said, “There is no proof that he had given such speeches to instigate and encourage violence since there were no eye-witnesses to the event.” He added, “You cannot see speeches.”

The loyal son also said that his father being a faithful servant of the Guards of Cleanland, praised their mandate of 'ethnic cleansing', so that Cleanland remained free of people from other sects. “My father called the 'helpers' of the Guards of Cleanland 'parrots' because they believed in the unity of the land,” said the son, also playing the role of the disgraced avenger trying to put together the broken pieces of his Cleanland jigsaw puzzle. The film shoot will resume on Monday.


Exotic Birds Stolen From Zoo

Staff Correspondent, additional reporting by SORAYA AUER

Burglars broke into a cage at D-Town Zoo early Monday and escaped with seven exotic birds and four not so exotic birds.

Shakil Ali Khan, D-town Zoo's head bird keeper, told the Star shortly after the incident, “Two men, who live down my road but I don' know personally, took two Ring Necked Yellow Parakeets, two Red Lorikeets, three Sulphur-crested Cockatoos, and four local breed chickens and cockerels and they were my personal pets, Kishtina, Muni, Rex and Tiger. My boss says the ones in cages were worth Tk 4,25,000, which had I known, I would've stolen them myself.”

According to the guards on duty on the night of the theft, the birds were last seen in their cages at around 11pm on Sunday. “Abdul and I started our shift at 9pm. Then we left the premises to have luchi and daal before taking a stroll, holding hands and gossiping like little girls, to admire the eyes of the animals in the dark,” said Mukles Uddin, one of six guards assigned to protect the D-town Zoo's 186-acres.

Abdul Hasan, a guard, whose uniform looked baggy on his prepubescent body, told this correspondent, “We passed the bird cages last and then headed to the elephant enclosure to sleep until Fajr. We always do this because we know elephants are big and expensive. It's even worth a lakh when dead!”

Three compartments of Cage 10 were taken by the police as evidence of burglary as the hinges of the locks were broken and the police said they considered this to be stronger evidence of the birds' disappearance than the few stray feathers the cages.

The burglars entered the zoo by climbing the wall on its west adjoining some slums, or through the Botanical Gardens on the north, suggested the guards who explained they knew this because it is the routes they use when late to start their shift and coming from the main entrance will take too long.

“In 2008, six birds were stolen in a similar way,” said head bird keeper Khan. “Now I know why it's worth taking the caged ones but seriously, did they not see my chickens weren't colourful?”

Disclaimer: All news, views, characters, persons and institutions in these stories are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone/anything real is purely coincidental.

The General in His Labyrinth

In an exclusive interview with the Star, Gen (retard) HM Borbad talks about his love, life and daydreams


Love him or hate him, he is still there, living, breathing and what not. Man may come and man may go, but Borbad goes on forever. There is a controversy surrounding his age with some historians claiming him to have participated in the first battle of Panipat, which was fought between Mughal Emperor Babur and the Sultan of Delhi Ibrahim Lodi. Recently his funerals in absentia were held across the country as millions of "mourners" thought neither they nor their great grandchildren would be privileged enough to see his death. A moderate estimate of his age puts him at 158. Even at this age, the deposed monarch remains strong. Below is the interview as it has been given.

the Star: So, sir, you still think you will be the king one day?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Firstly, I want to thank the Almighty who has shown me in a dream last night that I will give the Star an interview today…

the Star: But sir, you have begged our Editor a couple of weeks ago to arrange an interview. You said– I quote you here–"After the by-elections in Tango Ail, where my party stood a distant third, everyone is treating me and my party like a beaten-up stray dog. Please arrange an interview so that I can show my face in print."

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Boy! Why do you have to mention it here…

the Star: Yesterday evening you also offered to give me one of those Versace scarves you use to hide the wrinkles around your neck…Won't you give me one?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Be that as it may, I want to thank God…

the Star: You also said you would give me some garden spinach, my favourite vegetable.

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Will you please stop? You will have everything.

The Star: What do you mean by everything? I will complain to the police if you try to harass me in any weird way. No one trusts you. Your party leaders say you say something in the morning and in the evening you say something opposite.

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Quader! Oi Quader! Get a scarf for this kid from the closet. Don't bring the one you shoplifted from Mydin, yeah, it stinks. See, boy, morning and evening are not the same, in the morning we brush our teeth and…(here he takes both his hands near his chest, shows their back and makes a downward wave). We don't do the same in the evening. In the evening poets come, they write poems for me… (He suddenly has bouts of coughing) I meant, about me; and many other things happen (He has another coughing fit). So what I think in the morning is not the same in the evening…People change, change is constant. We have to change. Barack Obama has changed, Sunny Leon also has changed; she is now doing mainstream films. I change every minute.

the Star: Are you telling me that you can't be trusted?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Quader! Quader! Why are you taking so long? This kid is asking me difficult questions again.

the Star: Why do you think people will trust you with their votes?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Because throughout the history of this land, the ordinary people of this country have acted like fools. When I was in power, I single-handedly ruined this country; people were looking for my head to play dunguli when I was ousted. And look at what they have done? They elected 35 of my lackeys to the madhouse in 1991. What is the guarantee that more of the general people will not make the same kind of mistakes? People make mistakes. There is an English proverb to that effect, man is mortal.

the Star: To err is human, you meant?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Whatever! More importantly, people are tired of Shaksina and Dolly Bee.

the Star: People are also tired of you. When will you die? Have you had any dream lately regarding your death?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Bi*ch Please! I am still young. I feel young.

the Star: You sent goons to your own MP's home…

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Look, I don't mind if someone makes off with my money, because I stole people's money when I was the King, no one can beat me in it. See, Fatty Morzina stole my money. Did I mind? No. But this MP was sending missed calls to my girl friends. I told him not to, he agreed. The following day I heard from one of my girl friends that he had sent her missed-calls in the middle of the night. The poor woman has gout, rheumatism, epilepsy, acidity, irritable bowl syndrome, Rhinotillexomania, social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, halitosis, blood pressure, asthma, diabetes and beriberi. On top of it all, she is 78. You don't wake a 78-year-old woman up in the wee hours and make her listen to munni, badnam hui tere liye, do you? So, I sent my boys to take care of his hand-phones and the hard drives of his computer.

the Star: Are you going to be in Mohajote?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: In the morning I always profess my love for Mohajote. Call me late at night… Do you have my number?

the Star: My scarf?

Gen (retard) HM Borbad: Quader! Oi Quader!

Morale Among Law Enforcers Getting Lower

Crime Correspondent

Head of the country's law enforcement agency, commonly known as Poo Leash force, has revealed in a television talk show that the morale of the kingdom's prime law enforcers has hit an all-time low after several episodes of attacks by Tendon Cutters members who have brutally attacked them, sometimes assaulting them on the road just for being there. Television footage of law enforcers running for their lives while the Tendon Cutters are chasing them, has made the protectors of the kingdom really depressed and cowardly. Human rights activists have announced that the number of false cases against poor people, extortion from poor people and torture on poor people have increased after these incidents. Psychologist Fruedur Rahman, another guest on the talk show aired by Channel X has suggested immediate therapy for all Poo Leash personnel as well as morale boosting activities such as training them to run faster and watching films like Miami Vice and Die hard 2.

Miracle Workers in Jail

Staff Correspondent

The owner of Miracle Workers and his wife were taken to jail yesterday after a court sentence that found them guilty of mixing cyanide in their so-called herbal miracle creams to lighten skin colour. According to RAB sources, a secret tip-off given by Shorbot Uddin, a disgruntled employer of the company who was refused free samples, a RAB raid revealed that these creams contained poisonous substances such as cyanide and arsenic along with neem, sandalwood and uptan. Clients who have already used this cream and have bought a year's supply were seen agitating in front of the Miracle Workers office in Lalbagh yesterday.

Attractive Sale

All Cadres United Alumni offers an exciting, impossible to resist, sale on practically brand new cadre accessories – chapati, khur, kitchen knives, botis, small pistols, hand guns and shot guns. Bullets and knife sharpeners absolutely free! Also included in this sale is a lottery to win many attractive prizes – iron rods, vintage hockey sticks, bamboo sticks and brick bits used during scuffles with law enforcers – signed by your favourite cadre. Venue: Dark Alley in Bhuter Goli. Time: From midnight to 4am. Only persons with valid cadre Ids will be allowed. Cadres with good Chuck Norris type skills and running abilities for chase and counter-chase scenarios, will get special discount and a surprise hamper.

Disclaimer: All news, views, characters, persons and institutions in these stories are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone/anything real is purely coincidental.


Speech for 'Free'

Zahir Hassan Nabil

It is that easy to say something and get away with it on virtual platforms like the internet. On forums, blogs, comments field, facebook - you say anything and it will invariably be countered by another similar reaction at best. But you remain on the safe side and do not become subject to criticism because it's all redundant at the end of the day, idle talk on some random internet page.

Unlike virtual media, we are a people with intense emotions and fiery reactions and often take things a little too personally.

An equally opposite and dominant trend is the habit of forgetting, we forget as quickly as things happen. This kind of amnesia is often convenient, especially if we have made terrible gaffes in public again and again.

But possessing the unique combination of hyper-sensitivity and instant forgetfulness at the same time can be attributed to a child that the carefree public resembles these days. The public is bothered intensely at the first contact and then forgets everything the very next day.

What else makes news? Along with the unacceptable deaths, road accidents, atrocities, irregularities and violence, the media provides us the essential diet of infotainment with instances of who expressed routine grievance, deep shocks over the aforesaid mishaps, routine demands of exemplary punishment and instructions towards a solution (merely to be forgotten later). And the dessert: Speech for 'Free'.

As things stand with 'free' speech the media now has greater opportunities to spoon-feed the overly sensitive yet forgetful public baby with such low quality nutrition. One cannot help but wonder, perhaps it is time to grow up?

Take for example, the following conversation between our apolitical correspondent and A MAn who spoke too much:

Apolitical Correspondent: Sir, how could you quote someone without properly citing the references, there are zillions of ways to crosscheck credulity in a digitalised country, there were recordings!
A MAn who spoke too much: Nonsense, it was a formatting error, the disadvantages of the digital, stupid binary logic with some two digits which is totally, totally, totally unacceptable. There are grey areas in between. Nevertheless, I think there are two probabilities, either I said something else or it wasn't me at all!

AC: But Sir, there were people who witnessed the remarks.
AMA: Yes, but to see is NOT to believe, because you'll see it when you believe it. The impudent media always looks for the negative. You know as a peer recently commented, that's why they see things negatively. Relativity, everything is relative to something else.

AC: Then may I know, what was the huge amount you dubbed 'nothing' relative to, in an earlier comment?
AMA: Well, I was also trying to console the public, why don't you take into account my effort? And we are among the fastest growing countries anyway, what paltry amount goes around, comes around. The 'amount' amounts to nothing.

AC: But there was a huge hue and cry over this you know, and eventually someone suggested that you speak less, wasn't that an insult?
AMA: How could I speak less? Who would berate complete failures such as the aviation companies for the surprise-landings in paddy fields? Or the dissident eavesdroppers? And I am the one who had all these conversations with experts and we all gained a reward apparently, alms as some say. And who would challenge all that rewarded 'noble' status?

Nothing matters much because what we say will be forgotten, as always.

Star Leaks


The following g-chat conversation was recovered with the help of the Right to Information Act by reporter ANIKA HOSSAIN, from the Star. The perilous recovery process took approximately one year, two months, eight hours two minutes and thirty grueling seconds. Many top level government officials and domestic workers were involved in the extraction of this critical information which will change the political history of the kingdom forever. The reporter is currently in hiding in 24, Lal Digheer Par, Gaibandha Sadar as there is no Guatemalan Embassy in Bongoland.


The Queen: Hey hey hey!
Sent at 1:02 am
Gill Bates: Who is this?

The Queen: Don't you recognise my picture? It's me! Your good friend Shaksina!
Sent at 1:30am
Gill Bates: Oh it's you again…didn't I block you? Wait did you add me from a new account again? No I don't recognise you from the photo.. probably because it's a photo of Angelina Jolie!

The Queen: Hahaha I got you again! I was wondering why I didn't see you online for a whole week! You blocked me this time you naughty boy! Well never you mind I'm over it already! I forgive you! Lol! You listen tell me what's new with you I'm dying to know you see <3<3
Sent at 1:47am
Gill Bates: Look Shaks..I don't know how many times I can say this to make you understand..it's not going to happen.

The Queen: Hahaha Lmao!! Yes yes of course it will. We are good friends now. Besides, my country needs your help.
Sent at 2:15 am
Gill Bates: The foundation has done a lot for your country already. There is no way I am authorising a donation of a million dollars for some shady organisation that plots against Noble Ls! And yes I remember it's headed by you which gives me more reason to worry.

The Queen: What?
Gill Bates: You heard me. That's final.

The Queen: But it says message fail! I can't see what you said!
Sent at 3:00am
Gill Bates: Did you get the new WINDOWS like I asked you to? Your system is faulty Shaks.

The Queen: Yes I changed all the windows in my house, upstairs and downstairs even though I didn't see anything wrong with them, they open just fine and the view is good.
Gill Bates: So you got the camera with the viewfinder?

The Queen: Why do I need to find the view? Its right there! Outside the new windows! I also got lots of apples like you recommended. They are good in fact they are yummy :-D lmao!!
Sent at 3:35 am
Gill Bates: What are you talking about? What view? Why do you need more than one apple? You could replace it when newer ones come out. Besides you said you don't work on laptops much.

The Queen: I will get new ones when its apple season again! What does laptop have to do with it? :S Lmao!! Rofl!!!!
Sent at 3:45 am
Gill Bates: Why do you keep saying lmao? What's so funny?

The Queen: It's how you chat. I saw my grandson do it..honestly Gill, how do they say it…oh yes…get with it man.
Gill Bates: Okay Shaks this conversation has gone on for long enough. I am logging off and I am blocking you. Please don't add me again.

The Queen: So it's really not happening? There's nothing I can do to change you mind hmmm? ;-) :*
Gill Bates: NO.

Gill Bates is busy. You may be interrupting.


Staff Correspondent

The annual round table conference on climate change and consequential effects on the life of goats in the Narsingdi district was held adjacent to Dhanmondi Lake in Dhaka city at 6:30pm today.

The conference, although held at a square-ish rather than round table, focused on protecting the remarkable lifestyle of goats residing in Narsingdi, who have been suffering the recent effects of global warming in Bongoland.

“The goat milk from Comilla is much better,” said participant Professor Rohomat Ali, Assistant Lecturer at the Department of English Literature at the Dandelion University. “But the boats in Shadarghat are much bigger nowadays and stronger too!” exclaimed Shawkat Ali, part-time secretary of the Ministry of Transport and Communications, who was asleep until this point of the conversation. “I agree with them,” said Babul Quader, owner of a poultry farm near Gazipur, while enthusiastically picking his nose.

A total of six participants attended this discussion.

Professor Hanisur Zaber MBBS, MS, PGF, HHF, LSC attended the programme as the chief guest.

The participating members included: Professor Rohomat Ali, Assistant Lecturer, Department of English Literature, Dandelion University, Shawkat Ali, part-time secretary of the Ministry of Transport and Communications, Babul Quader, owner of poultry farm near Gazipur, Professor Kayenat Kader, Department of Music and Dance, Yale University of Dhaka and Engineer Rafiqul Hanif, Bangladesh Non- Achievement System ARE Engineering & Consultants Ltd.


Staff Reporter ANIKA HOSSAIN

The quarterly Literary Carnival hosted by the Finnish Academy of Science and Research was held in Dhaka city at 6:30pm today.

The programme aims at promoting Bangladesh's culture, traditions and literary works among students of English medium and some Bangla medium schools and about 0.5 percent of Dhaka city's population. 1006 people attended this event (usually a lot less tend to come, but rumour had it that the audience would be allowed to speak their minds on the mic after every session).

The organisers arranged for various panels of discussion with many renowned domestic and international writing sensations including Koifath Hashem, Sardar Shetty, Lord Babbleton Archibald, Lucile Kardashian and Haleem Chakrabarty. Among the discussion topics were “How to Talk Sense During a Public Discussion,” “Bangladeshi Taboos,” “How to Effectively Protest Against Literary Carnivals,” and “Public Speaking, Question Asking and being Politically Correct 101,” among many others.

Some notable questions from the audience to celebrated novelist and poet Sardar Shetty were, “How do you pronounce your name? Well whoever you are, you are a good writer..I think,” “Why does the World Literature Award Committee always overlook writers from the Bhola area of Bangladesh? Is this a conspiracy?” “What is your personal remedy for hair loss?” and “Do you like parties more than your family?”

Professor Hanisur Zaber MBBS, MS, PGF, HHF, LSC attended the programme as the chief guest.

Sponsors were: Star Kabab (title sponsor), L&L Bank (project partner), Finnish Council (global partner), Le Circe Dis Olay de France (key sponsor), Bidesh TV, KoKhoGo radio and Shesh Andhokar (media partners).

There were no organisers for this event.


Cultural Correspondent ANIKA HOSSAIN


Premiere of the most awaited Dhaliwood film of the decade was held at the Shongshod Film Institute at 6:30pm today.

The film titled “Mirror, Mirror, Mirror!!- The Ayna” depicts a young girl obsessed with her looks. Born with rosy cheeks and dark curls, she isn't entirely pleased with her appearance and proceeds to lighten her complexion with layers of white foundation dye her hair blonde and look perfect. She adds to this signature look stylish chiffons and real ocean pearls and several hundred pounds (lbs), becoming the ideal beauty of Bongoland. Eventually this young girl marries a knight in shining armour and becomes queen-The White Queen and is rivalled by none until the hook-nosed Red Queen (daughter of the former king) arrives to fight her for the throne. The director and producer Bejor Nehal Pallab has said that this film will have an endless number of sequels as the saga of the White and Red queens cannot be covered in a single film.

About 160 million people attended the programme.

Professor Hanisur Zaber MBBS, MS, PGF, HHF, LSC inaugurated the show as the chief guest. It may be mentioned that Professor Zaber has been chief guest at all major events in Dhaka city.

Sponsors include: JI Events, LDP Entertainment, JGTP Showdown, NPP Productions, ML Ltd, DLPL Int. Co.


Cultural Correspondent ANIKA HOSSAIN

What we are looking for:
An excellent opportunity for creative writers/playwright/script writers to work with the world's most talked about men-in-black (with Annihilations, Unintelligence, Illegal & Medium wings etc.,) revered by the FBI, CIA, Interpol (even Mossad!) for their lethal power, loved by politicians and other influentials for hastening justice and envied by the human rights groups for unparalleled accomplishments

Remuneration: Negotiable [withstanding our discomfort]
Number of vacancies: Subject to political (in)stability
Deadline for application: November 30 (We believe in Instant Action)

The ideal candidate will have:
* Ability to write and reproduce similar stories based on chase scenes and make any character credibly disappear at any point under any circumstances
* Excellent understanding of dramatic compositions such as Tragedy, Tragicomedy, Nonsense etc, terms such as 'open-end plot' and 'open-to-interpretation'
* Critical understanding of directors such as Roman Twistsky or Andrei Slowmotionsky for the ability to produce scripts accordingly with unexpected twists or very slow progress, as required
* Intense love for the phrase 'Acting on a tip-off'

Preferable reasoning abilities (not essential) – the ideal candidate will know:
* what Arnold Schewartzneggar actually meant by the catchphrases “You are terminated” or “Hasta la vista, baby” in Terminator II
* how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear
* why Hollywood heroes always manage to take cover defying spraying bullets
* what we mean by the classified code Crossroad Campfire
* what “being dearer to God” means

Part of your role will include:
* at leisure with our team, viewing action films such as 1989 James Bond classic License to Kill, or Hitchcock's 1954 thriller Dial M for Murder or the HBO series Six Feet Under

Additional benefits we offer our successful candidates:
* Opportunity to learn from field experience (not covered by our health insurance policy)

Along with these skills, if you believe it is cool to slowly walk away from an enormous explosion without looking back, send your resume to black_is_the_new_black@rabid.edu.bd

Thief Strikes at Survival Handbook Launch

Staff Correspondent

Shaksina's Spin Doctor, Hasanul 3GS Haque inaugurated the book launching ceremony of 'A Journalist's Handbook for Survival' at the National Press Club auditorium yesterday. Even before the honourable minister could unwrap the wrapping of the book, an unidentified person snatched the book and ran away, leaving hundreds of media persons stunned. The book, published by Media Meddle Not Publishers, is a guideline for journalists who wish to continue their profession without losing a limb or worse, their lives. Journalists from both electronic and print media were seen jostling each other as the book was being sold at a fifty percent discount. Investigative journalists were given the book for free. The list of do's and don'ts include:

Do not use words such as 'corruption', 'stole', 'enforced disappearances' etc when writing reports about the ruling party.

Do write on the startling progress of the country and give full credit to the government.

Do not talk of the pathological hatred of the two leading ladies in politics. It is very unbecoming and old news. There is no confrontational politics, only parties that agree to disagree.

Do not write about crime syndicates and their illegal activities if you are a poorly paid journalist from a remote mufassil town. Write about the great things the local Chairman is doing.

Do not go within a 50 metre radius of members of the law enforcement agencies. If you have to cross the 50 metre mark, do not ask any questions about unsolved crime investigations.

Do not record anything a minister says other than written speeches s/he gives at a rally or a programme.

Do not ask questions about corruption allegations to political leaders. Actually, DO NOT ask questions at all.

Do not participate in or host talk shows that fail to portray the ruling party's progress.

Do not talk or write about power failures. There are none.

Do not carry press cards while covering hartals and rallies. (Rather carry membership identity cards of each of the political parties of Bongoland. Cards are available at affordable rates from Mokhles' CopyCat shop in Kilkhet).

Do allot at least 45 minutes of the news broadcast for airing news on the Queen of the land. Allot 50 seconds to opposition news for every 50-minutes news on the government's successes.

Do erase words such as 'Third' & 'Nobel' from both your computer and biological memory.

The book also has a chapter for cartoonists working for newspapers. The chapter details what can and cannot be drawn, the colours that can be used, how to draw unrecognisable caricatures of politicians and so on.

After the launching ceremony, when this correspondent was asking the organisers for lunch box, the book thief, preferring to remain anonymous, informed that the handbook can be downloaded for free at www.freeillegalbookdownload.com

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