The week in re(ar)view
Headlines we felt were 'bad'lines
Here's your dose of happening news that happened in the last week. Or the week before. Or the one in between those two. You say that is not possible? Anything is possible in this outrageous country of ours. It's just like the secret train station platform in Harry Potter that invisibly exists between two real platforms. In fact, the more outrageous the better.
Journalist (a.k.a. terrorist)
This was hilarious. September 29th on the back page of The Daily Star there was a report where Jamaat-e-Islami Ameer and Industries Minister Matiur Rahman Nizami stated that the media is the same as terrorists. And that is because newspaper printed the confessional statements of suspected terrorists who pleaded allegiance to Jamaat. Don't you just hate the truth cause it hurts so much?
What's important is that newspaper journalists can now have a dual identity like superheroes. In the daytime they will write about terrorism and in the night time they will commit acts of terrorism. That way they will have something to write about in the daytime.
In a few months time we will be holding an award ceremony to celebrate those who have shown excellence in the field of terrorism. Nominees in the category for Acts of Violence (AOV) include Bangla Bhai, President Bush, Al Qaeda, The Press and the Association of Two Year Old Babies Who Throw Up, Break Things and Cry All The Time (ATYOBWTUBTCATT). We just love these condensed forms.
Earthquake equals cheap demolition
October 10th Dhaka still sleeps on tremor threat. Experts fear devastating losses as many buildings will be lost to even a minor jolt. The authorities are probably waiting for it to happen so that the city flattens itself. That will save up on all the expenses of hiring labourers to break down old buildings. So when you feel a tremor heading your way, stand outside your old house and watch it crumble.
Fifteen minutes of fame
October 3rd there was news of Dhaka donating $1 million to victims of Hurricane Katrina. That's an amazing gesture. Even more so amazing when you consider Bangladesh is always asking for aid itself. Of course, nowadays we ourselves are becoming flood affected so it is probably time to ask the hurricane victims to donate a million to us.
Price hike of food leads to spitting
Headline on October 6 read costly start to Ramadan. Ramadan is here and in anticipation lots of business people hoarded goods so they can later sell these at higher prices. Here's our positive slant on this situation. Now that the price of food is so high people can take it as an incentive to fast more, eat less. Unfortunately the more people who fats the more people will be indulging in their favorite Ramadan pastime. That is spitting.
The equation stands as Ramadan leads to price hike leading to more fasting leading to more spitting. We need an award for figuring this out.
Shishu Park off limits to the poor
Starcity published an item on October 2 about plans for Shishu Park to be privatised. It used to allow underprivileged children visit free of charge on certain days. What's going to happen now with the inevitable hike of entry fees and introduction of mean guards? Where will these children go? On a different note, there are plans for the rickshaws to be banned from more city streets. This has to be a pro-rich country if nothing else.
By Gokhra and Mood Dude
If celebrities were Hurricanes
In recent times, good old Mother Nature seems to have gone haywire. Not only did the people of the world have to witness here terrible wrath, but were also left to make a shocking discovery hurricanes actually had individual names and characteristics like people! So, after watching the hurricane Katrina and hurricane Rita, we here at RS decided to figure out what a few of our well-known personalities would be like if they were hurricanes. Here's the stuff we figured out:
Hurricane Arnold Schwarzenegger - It's big, strong and you can be sure of one thing it'll be back.
Hurricane George W. Bush - This hurricane has a weird tendency of hitting underdeveloped oil-rich countries.
Hurricane David Beckham - This one rapidly changes its shape and form, poses a big threat at first, but then never seems to hit its target.
Hurricane Avril Lavigne - This one is actually pretty small and weak compared to the others, but it's filthy and loud enough to freak a lot of people.
Hurricane Ashraful - This hurricane usually excited people and creates a lot of hype before its arrival, but almost every time it hits its target it turns out to be nothing more than a strong breeze.
Hurricane RAB - This hurricane, instead of hitting everyone in an area, picks its victims individually, puts them in a "cross-wind", and "blows them away."
Hurricane Pikachu - This obnoxious hurricane seems to have contrasting effects on adults and children. While adults would try to flee from it, kids are strangely attracted to it and it seems almost impossible to separate them. Survivors of this hurricane say that when they were engulfed inside the hurricane, instead of the sound of roaring wind, all they heard was "PEEEKAAAAACUUUUUUU!!!" over and over. Experts suggest that the "PEEEKAAAAACUUUUUUU!!!" caused more damage then the hurricane itself, since just hearing it resulted in severe brain damage of everyone within 100 miles of the hurricane.
Hurricane Harry Potter - Also known as "the hurricane that lived," this hurricane uses the force of love, allegedly the most powerful force of all, instead of old-fashioned wind-power for the devastation it causes.
By Zeeshan Rahman
Location: School grounds.
Requirements: You're going up against the most dangerous dude ever to set foot on campus grounds. You must know how to fight or at least defend yourself. If not, go read our "Martial Arts" article. The history of martial arts can inspire you to invent cool moves of your own. The skill of running too damn fast is also required. No, I'm not telling you to run away from your problems. Just go someplace else quickly when the school administration arrives.
Essential Equipments: 1x plastic thingies boxers use to protect their pearly whites. 1x pair of elbow pads, kneepads. 1x helmet to protect a hollow skull. 1x groin guard, so now you can take a low blow and laugh it out at your opponent's face, hah.
Activity: Now you want to fight like a man, right? So go pick the biggest toughest guy in school. Wait till lunch break and when the time finally arrives, prepare yourself. Suppose the name of the guy you chose is Biff (suits him well eh, actually I got it off Back to the Future). Now through reliable intelligence you found out that Biff really hates Hindi movies. So your job is simple. Halt the guy while he's taking a stroll. Get in front of him and throw your arms and legs madly, like the Hindi cinema dancers do. Then start singing: "Oye Bubbly, I wanna be your man Bubbly." If that doesn't work proceed with: "Oye Bubbly, oye oye Bubbly, be my lover bubbly." This will surely piss him off. And if that fails too, get physical. Slap him squarely on the chest and start saying: "Arey Arey." Now that is sure to enrage him. And if he still doesn't take a hint (boy, you sure picked a dumb one) just stay within his sight long enough. With all those bright and colorful (not to mention totally weird) protective gears you're wearing he is sure to come after you. Now gather a bunch of kids (3rd graders or 4th graders). Tell them that Biff hates Pokemon and said that, Pikachu is a sick Yellow Bastard/Hamster or Ash Ketchup spilled too much mustard on him or Pikachu loves Ebichu. Then sit back and enjoy the show. You really weren't planning on fighting that guy all by yourself now, were you???
Precautions: Never use the sacred art of Kung-Pee. Why? Cause it's just sick and deviously psychotic.
Pros: After this incident Biff will turn into your personal thug and he's adept at secretly murdering people. Now you can fulfill all your dreams of assassinating dishonest politicians.
Cons: It's inevitable. Destiny cannot be avoided. After Biff got beaten up by the kids he started watching Pokemon and he loves it. One day the kids were spying on you and overheard your conversation with a friend of yours. They found out that you hate Pokemon as well as Digimon and Beyblade. Biff is not going to help you out here because he can't fight his Pokemon buddies. Now you still know how to run, don't you?
Advice: Don't stop until you're in the Girls' Toilet. The kids won't follow you in cause they're afraid of the cooties. Here a whole new adda can unfold.
Are they male or female?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Last week on the cover there was a cool picture of children walking in the rain without a care in the world. The photographer took the shot without a care in the world. We published the pictures without a care in the world. Now we realise that we should care just a little more. That's because we forgot to print the name of the photographer who incidentally forgot to inform us in the first place. So it's really not our fault and we can go back to working without a care in the world. To make a short story long the photos were snapped by Ahmed Ashiful Haque.