Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

Mathematicians and idiots

If you are reading this, it means the article somehow managed to get printed (which I really had doubted). This article acts as a coherent manual response to the article "Poets and Idiots" printed in the last issue. I must say I agree with my friend to some extent that such poets do exist. However, the objective of this article is to relate to a similar bunch of wannabes who, amazingly, walk upon this same earth as we do.

Mathematicians (referring to the wannabe ones) are simply idiots and that is an irrevocable truth. Ever since the first cave man learned to calculate, there was always one man or another, trying to figure out using the forces of calculus, "Why doesn't she like me? Why? WHY?" Does the following line sound familiar, "…she touched the calculator with her golden hands…" It was in the "Poets and Idiots" article. Let me give you a hint! "CALCULATOR!" So now you know what type of person really wrote this line. No poet thinks about calculators when writing anything… I can guarantee that. BUT mathematicians DO when doing math. (It's all a conspiracy I tell you) Most of the wannabes also believe they can put anything into an equation and form and predict the future! Ok, I agree that would be a great idea but seriously, if you think equations and formulas can solve everything in life, from the probability of a dog biting you to how many times you are going to get beaten by your girlfriends and bous in the future…please go to a psychiatrist for God's sake. My best friend's a Math freak and it's probably only him among all other fanatic "wannabe mathematicians" (now on I will be using "w-Ms" instead) who I think has a brain that works! Not that I am saying I have a good one but all of you other wannabes get a life!

Newtons acceptance speech at the Annual Accidental Scientific Discovery Award ceremony. Archimedes could not make it to the function due to lack of clothes.

Now let's start from the beginning… who has the honour to be titled as a w-M? From the time when mankind was able to solve 2+2=4, the only ones who indulged over these six numeric figures, expanding it to the "impossible to discover" 1+1=2, calling themselves mathematicians had the honour of being entitled as w-Ms. No real mathematician would come and say, "Behold! I can do maths, I am a mathematician!" A certain w-M friend of mine (whom I'll be referring to as "Modna") literally was rejected by at least 10 girls… don't ask me why because I still can't figure out how maths and girls are inter-related, that is, according to him. I know determination is a virtue, but man, he never learns! Now he ends up smoking over three packages of cigarettes a day saying, "The subatomic smoke particles that collide with my nose, as discovered by Mr. Brown (the Brownian motion guy), excites my interest towards math… it gets my brain to function." Modna is not the only one. Many other such modna w-Ms out there smoke a lot and their excuse that it gets their brain working is entirely ajaira. What it really does is just lessen their bedona of the countless rejections. Come on; get a grip on your life! Not only are they complete idiots, the way they speak and interact with others is harrowing. The outcasts of the society (that's what I call them) are poor souls really. The reason why most of you are not very likely to them know is because they lock themselves up inside their four walls and do math. Why? Because there is nothing else they can do, other than talking about binomial expansion, differentiation, geometric progressions, prime numbers, relativity and all those kind of stuff.

Mathematicians also have this tendency of making simple things extremely exceedingly ultra complicated. It's like they get inside a house and instead of opening the front door, they first go to the roof using the fire escape stairs (if there is one) or a rope with a grappling hook, go down inside, open the door, go to the roof again, get down using whatever medium he/she had used, then enter the house and later on they realize that all this time they had the key in their pocket!

Seriously! For example simple transformation problems can be dealt with by just counting the boxes or using the hand and estimating… but no…the w-M friends of mine have to draw exactly 90-180 lines, draw perpendiculars and bisect them and do all those complicated stuff, ending up with the same answer! I get it that you guys are good but this is too much! Some of them also do their own personal "research and analysis" papers on maths. And when they show their so-called works of genius, which we don't properly understand…. let me quote a few lines from the "poets and idiots" article, "Ok, now when we poor souls who are forced to read these awful (calculative madness), which we can neither comprehend nor complain what they are supposed to mean, we are either branded as 'stupid' or 'unintelligible' - Ok, because of their actions we are being branded into a caste of inferior things!" See how finely the words fit in…

Numbers are amazing things for w-Ms. They consider numbers to be alien beings or the root of everything or something that can communicate with you! The following is a very common dialogue among the w-Ms (and Modna), "Numbers are amazing! They can actually talk to you and tell you the secrets of the world." My best friend also talks like that. Ok, what the hell is that supposed to mean!? And they complain about the poets! So next time if you ever get to meet one of these interesting w-Ms, please do ask them to communicate with you in numbers ONLY… ehhh…
what the heck, they would probably end up saying that we are all inferior living organisms. Since the "poets and idiots" article was engraved with an example, I probably should do the same. I was browsing through this so called "research paper" of Modna yesterday, and in one chapter I found something explaining a graphite sheet of paper… and the following graph is supposed to explain that! I know he is good with the computer but… but…and they complain poets have wild imagination!

Please excuse me for such a 'validly' cold tone in the article and my flippant tongue. I have no grudge against math or mathematicians. In fact I really admire and respect them, but all these wannabe mathematicians around me are seriously getting on my nerves. I wasn't planning on writing like this but my RS friend's request to write a reply to his article inspired me a lot (and so did all those w-Ms out there!). I am sure that a lot of you out there have objections, so please drop a line.

By Adnan M. S. Fakir


Mythical creatures unleashed
Archaic evil emerges

It's our Halloween issue and here it comes to an end. This is the finale of the Mythical Creatures series. Although some of you might be relieved to hear that this series is finally being finished, I can't help but feel a bit gloomy for this served as a milestone in my amateurish career as an RS writer. The last category of the Mythical Creatures is comprised of the half-breed horrendous beasts, which have managed to keep their notorious profile in history intact till now. I saved the best for the last. These are the most dangerous creatures featured in this series yet. So lets not waste time and advance towards the descriptions.

The Minotaur
According to Greek mythology, the rapacious king Minos of Crete once longed to possess the ultimate warrior. Finally he conceived a plan to create an offspring of the strongest bull in his kingdom and his own wife, the queen, Pasiphae. Thus the Minotaur was born. A monster that was half-human and half-beast, with the head of a bull and the body of a man.

Then the craftsman extraordinaire, Daedalus, used to work for the king. By the king's orders he invented the Labyrinth, an enormous maze of passageways, which was inescapable. The Minotaur was imprisoned there and exclusively fed on human flesh. Each year the city of Athens would send seven youths and seven maidens to Crete to be devoured by the Minotaur. Then one day Theseus, the prince of Athens, dared to travel to the Labyrinth and defeat the Minotaur. With the help of Ariadne, the daughter of Minos, who fell in love with him, and Daedalus he managed to slay the beast. He came out of the Labyrinth following the trail of a thread given to him by Ariadne.

The Sphinx
The Sphinx was a daughter of the famous monster couple Typhon and Echidna. She was a monster with the head of a woman and the body of a lion, with a snake as a tail and the wings of a bird. The Sphinx in Greek mythology had a rather unusual hobby. When she was wreaking havoc in the legendary city of Thebes, she used to seat in front of the entrance to the city and ask riddles to the travelers who passed by. Her riddle went like this, "What has one voice, and becomes four-footed, two-footed and three-footed?" She tormented the citizens of Thebes for none had answered her correctly.

Then one day the hero Oedipus came. When she asked him the question he answered her correctly, "Man, who walks on all four as a baby, then walks on two legs as an adult, and finally needs a cane in old age." Ruled by vanity, the great monster could not stand the anguish of being inferior to a mortal. She then jumped from a cliff and killed herself. In another story by answering her correctly Oedipus rendered her powerless and killed her with his sword, saving the city of Thebes, for which he was later on made king.

Statues of the Sphinx have been discovered in many parts of the world. The most prominent of them all is the Great Sphinx statue near Giza in Egypt. The figure is 73 meters long and stands 20 meters high.

Centaur
The Centaur is a creature of Greek myths. It has the head, arms and the upper body of a man with the lower body pars of a horse. Centaurs mostly lived in Thessaly in northern Greece. The Centaurs were known to be a tribe of vulgar species who liked to get drunk and get involved in mindless violence. Criminal offenses committed by the Centaurs include, the attempted rape of Hercules' wife, Deianira, by the Centaur Nessus. He got his due when he was shot with one of Hercules' poisoned arrow. In another incident a tribe of Centaurs was once invited to the wedding of the king of Lapith, a people of Thessally. The Centaurs tried to kidnap the Lapith women. Then there was a battle between the Lapith people and the Centaurs. The Centaurs lost and fled. Though there was one Centaur who was wise and just among the lot of vermin. His name was Chiron. He was the mentor of Hercules and he also taught hunting, medicine and music to the great Achilles.

Harpy
The Harpy is a creature with upper body of a woman and the lower body and wings of a bird. In Greek the word Harpy means to snatch. In English the word also refers to a cruel woman. Harpies used to steal food from people and leave an awful stench behind. With their dreadfully sharp claws they made short work of anyone who stood in their way. The Argonauts met the Harpies in their search for the Golden Fleece.

Gorgons
In Greek mythology Gorgons were the three daughters of the sea god, Phorcys. The three sisters were Stheno, meaning strength, Euryale, meaning wide-leap and Medusa, meaning the queen. Medusa was the only mortal sister among them. In her childhood Medusa was beautiful and the goddess Athena became jealous of her beauty. She then turned the sisters into hideous monsters. Their hair was a mass of writhing snakes and they had protruding fangs.

Anyone who looked at them became petrified and turned into stone. Athena didn't stop there. She aided the warrior Perseus to kill Medusa. Perseus beheaded Medusa by looking at her through his mirror-like shield. In other stories Gorgons were a race of monsters like these sisters.

By Knafice-Man


 
 

home | Issues | The Daily Star Home

2005 The Daily Star