The week in re(ar)view
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There's so many theories about money. Some people scream at you to show them the money. Some say money makes the world go round. We always thought it was the gravitational pull of the sun that did it. Others say it is the root of all evil. We say money can pay evil to be good. Many complain that money can't buy happiness. We say if there is enough money then we can be happily unhappy. W e say a lot of things. That's' what we do and if you paid the three taka to buy this magazine we will shut our mouths.
New beggars every minute
It seems the entire last few days were all about money. A small headline on October 24 stated that price spiral of goods are making “even beggars feel the pinch”. We thought beggars felt the pinch all the time. But we were wrong when we spotted beggars talking on a cell phone. The only ones who feel pinched are girls at fairs and water parks.
Speaking of beggars, we are not much different. We beg you to read and the send us rave reviews and compliments with bills attached. That way at least our Resident Conspiracy Theorist (RCT) can buy a lead cap to prevent the government form stealing his ideas.
How are you? Ever since the start of Ramadan, you have been avoiding me. Before we used to go out on dates where all I had to spend were 15-18 taka. Now the prices have shot up insanely to 45-50 taka. It is difficult for me to be with you. I miss you so much. Why do you go for people who have so much money. Why can't you love someone like me who is poor? I need you just as badly. Even when I was with you my lovely onion, you made me cry, but those were tears of joy. Without you, I am miserable and cannot eat. Food tastes bland without you.
Please come back.
October 29 the government put up a bounty of Taka 50 lakh each on JMB chief Abdur Rahman and JMJB chief, the infamous Bangla Bhai. That's a lot of cash. Want to bet just how many bearded dark complexioned guys will get shot? Money makes people go mad. We are expecting families to be turning in their bearded kin hoping to pass them off as Bangla Bhai look alike and cash in. That will give us something more to laugh at.
Women are troublemakers
If you are a shopkeeper in Jaintapur , Sylhet, then you are liable to be fined 500 taka if you sell goods to women. The report on 29 October states that the local influential people have decided to prevent women from shopping. Their reasoning is that stopping women from going to the market will prevent anti social activities. Yeah, lewd men will not have any women to lay their lecherous looks upon. Perverts will not be able to grope women in crowded spots. Women will no longer feel the pinch from men. Yep, it's aaaall the women's fault.
According to our Resident Conspiracy Theorist: Women are prevented from shopping because then they will become independent. Then they will open up shops and push men out of business. Then they will become prime ministers, take over the country and make big promises. Oops, it's already happened.
By Mood Dude and Gokhra
Romjaner oi Rojar sheshey…
Romajner oi rojar sheshey elo khushir eid…
Yes, yes! I know…the same old droning, monotonous and repetitive tune. I mean our forefathers have been hearing it since the time their forefathers used to sing! The tune, chord and level did not change at all. I remember every time I tune in to BTV on the last Roja's night, I see children of all ages irrespective of height, wearing jhakanaka eid dresses which are at times eyesore, singing the same old song 'heleyduley'! So here I am, the critical genius, offering various types of Eid songs that people of different stature could come up with.
The Rapper's Eid Song:
For rappers out there, this Eid song could be your own trademark! If you have listened to 50 Cent, you might know what I am talking about. Go ahead; sing along…the gap means 'pause' literally!
Eid is heeeiiiaaar time to party!
Thank gaawwd it isn't Korbani!
Else the streeeeets would be stinking!
It is tiiiime to get nasty!
So find me in a club,
Drinking on some daab,
Wearing the panjabi,
Girls wearing saaris,
Eid is here, time to party!
Eid is here! Go grab salami!
However silly the rap songs might sound to you, the tune is sure to put you in a groovy mood. So ditch the traditional Hindi Songs which you usually play during Eid and switch to some groovy tunes!
Punk Rocker's Eid song:
Are you a fan of Sum 41? Maybe Blink 182? Not a punk-rock fan? Well…at least you must have heard some peppy songs. Punk rock is your world? Then the following could be your theme Roja song!
I used to feel blue during Roja days,
My head used to spin while my stomach played,
And now the time has come
Celebrations have begun!
'Cuz Eid is here once mooooooooooree!!!(Whoohoo!)
Hasan's Eid song:
Remember Hasan? Awww…come on! Don't deny it, we all know Hasan…the longhaired feminine voiced (fe) male! If yes, then you must have heard of his song 'Ek, Dui, Tin' I came up with something somewhat close to the song, for all Hasan and Bachchu fans in general!
Ek, dui, tin keno koro minmin?
Dui, tin, char Eid elo abaar!
Tin, char, pach dui haath tuley naach!
Char pach choey Salami nitey hoey.
Bangla Bhaiya Eid song:
Who said Eid celebrations are only for general public? Thieves, urchins, culprits, terrorists are all part of this wonderful celebration. Only this time, instead of enjoying Eid with the general public, they might entertain themselves only. So beware! Their typical Eid song might be something like this:
Everybody should fear!
'Cuz Eid is here!
Now that Ramadan is gone,
My sins have begun,
So watch out! I'd bomb!
Entire cities one by one!
Beggar's Eid song:
Haven't you always wondered how beautifully the groups of beggars sing in your front porch? They have a beautiful voice, which would surely make them win, if they participate in the Close-Up One musical contest! Their trademark song, 'Ammajaan, abbajaan' are famous countrywide. Everyone recognises them. So the song I came up with is somewhat similar to theirs.
Meherbani koira jaan,
Zakater taka daan
Koeta taka diya jaan,
Chorus: (The Chorus is what makes their begging so special)
Eid-er khushitey mon anchan,
Ekta taka diya jaan!
If you are still bearing with my psychotic nuisance…I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. However, I also want to say a few last words. The conventional Eid song has been there for ages, I am quite sure you are just fed up of the same old tune over and over. Tune in to BTV on the Eid morning, you will see what I mean. The same song is repeated in three stages…first: the children sing the song. After a few more songs, the adults come on the same old stage with the same old song. Third: When the show ends, the traditional song is also played while showing empty stage and the names of persons involved in this boring presentation! If you want to keep the traditional song, keep it! But please DO NOT make a mountain out of a molehill! If you still differ with me on changing the Eid tune, and if your parents give kids good 'salami', please drop in a line at email@example.com! Have a wonderful Eid day!
By Critico Nino
Benefits of fasting
Ramadan is one of the special and holy months of Islam. It is the month of forgiveness, charity and sacrifice. As-Sawm (to fast) is the fourth main duty of Islam. When one fasts one is not allowed to eat or drink during the day time (from sunrise to sunset).
If one does not encourage children to fast when they are young, they will find it very difficult to fast for thirty days when they grow up. Allah has ordered us to fast during this month of Ramadan and those who do it will be rewarded. The following are the benefits of fasting:
1.Fasting brings you closer to Allah.
2.If you fast Allah showers His blessings and mercy upon you.
3.If you want to protect yourself from hellfire you need to fast.
4.When you fast, you have to give up food and drink. This teaches you restraint and patience.
5.Even if one is very hungry and dying of thirst one cannot break his fast before sunset. Fasting teaches us discipline and self -control.
6.Fasting helps to keep one away from greed and selfishness.
7. When one is fasting one can stop oneself from showing off and being proud.
8. When you fast Angels pray for your well-being.
9.Fasting makes the evil leave and the devil has no power over you.
10.Whoever gives food for a fasting person to break his fast, will receive the same reward as him.
11.Fasting works as a shield and saves you from Allah's anger and Hellfire.
12.Fasting is the key to Heaven.
The above mentioned benefits of fasting show that if we fast we can really develop good qualities and be Allah's favourite. All those who fast are blessed by Allah.
By Pavana Khan
You know you belong in Dhaliwood when
1.you want to see you're picture on the back of a rickshaw
2.almost all your outfits are XL-sized, made of spandex and heavily sequined
3.you find yourself jhaka-naka-deho-dola-fying in the pouring rain
4.you want to go to Dubai just so you can receive a deshi film award
5.you often take dramatic pauses while talking
6.when you're in a garden full of roses, you want to run round waving your achal behind you
7.when you call your mother, it goes something like this: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
8.you gain strength only after you've been beat up and tortured emotionally by the sight of your crying and helpless sister