The week in re(ar)view
Dispelling common sense
Have you taken a good look at your dinner lately? A picture on the cover of August 14 of The Daily Star shows a young barenaked street kid dripping with enthusiasm is seen carrying away huge load of fish. These fish died after fighting valiantly in their tiny fishy way against the ever-increasing pollution of Gulshan Lake. One fine day they just give up living. And then boys like the one in the picture haul them off. Makes you wonder just what he plans to do with these. You think he would sell them in a fish market? Heck no! He will bury them so the general public will not be duped into eating toxic fish. And if you believe that please lend us lots of money that we say we will return to you.
Dustbin is good for health
Yet another pic on 20 August showed a dumpster overflowing with garbage. What got our attention was the headline that read “Roadside bins in city pose health hazards”. Damn newspapers are always printing lies like these and making the good folk at DCC (Dhaka City Corporation) look bad. Our Resident Conspiracy Theorist (RCT) takes centre stage again as he explains how the report was completely baseless.
Overflowing dustbins are usually full of soft rioting waste. If for some unaccountable reason someone falls into a dumpster like they do in movies it will provide a soft landing. Not only that it feeds the crows and street dogs. That way DCC can show that Bangladesh is an eco friendly country feeding wildlife. More importantly it boosts our immune system by making it work just that much harder.
You know the saying about idle mind is a devils playground? It seems if you stay still too long you will think up evil plans with your other idle people. A smelly surrounding of a dumpster prevents this by forcing people to keep moving.
Not only that there are so many of these dumpsters we can even make this our national logo. In fact, it appears that overflowing dumpsters are a national treasure. We should have one in every home. Next time DCC is blasted by newspaper they can quote these lines.
Once upon a time
Here's a fairy tale. Jatiya Party chief HM Ershad used to be a snappily dressed president of Bangladesh till BNP decided to overthrow him in favour of the public. You see, he was making a lot of money in easy and crooked ways we could aspire to. He was carted off to jail and languished there like the Count of Monte Christo.
Years later he gets out, starts his politics all over again and becomes the head of his old gang again (i.e. Jatiya Party). BNP is now facing a possible loss in upcoming elections and is hoping to have Ershad oh its side. So what happens to all the money stealing court cases against him? Ummmm, they get dropped? But who is behind this benevolence? Here's a clue. The name of the group starts with 'B' ends with 'P' and has an 'N' in the middle.
Oh and did we mention the ex-president lives happily ever after? Moral of the story: if you wait long enough and have the right political connection, you CAN get way with crime.
By Gokhra and Mood Dude
A Completion of All Counters?
To all genders of RS writers, Over the past three weeks, the debate regarding problems of males and females, has reached a ludicrous level. I must say the article written by Adnan, “Girls in Pandemonium” had been appreciated and laughed at by most girls, and I failed to see why some females couldn't take it in good humour. The RS has also laughed at the sometimes-boorish behaviour of men and there were no cries of justice heard from them. Anyways, when all's said and done, what I'm trying to say is that human nature is inclined to fault, be it man or woman, and it is the flaws which makes us who we are. As Shakespeare has said, to err is human. So I hope both the boys and girls will make peace and accept that no one is ideal leaving the slot on page number 2 free for other sorts of interesting issues.
WEEK 1: “Shopping expeditions will prove fortunate. Your lucky day this week will be Saturday,”
Saturday: Unwary, you walk into the shop and pick out the DVDs you want. You enter another shop. You choose what you want and handover the money you got from the other shop. Only this time, the guy behind the counter refuses to take two of the notes cause they're fake. You go back to the previous shop, and tell the shopkeeper about the matter. The guy tells you that he didn't give you the notes and refuses to change them. You just got ripped off. Lucky, aren't you?
WEEK 2: “Travel expeditions will prove rejuvenating. Your lucky day this will week will be Tuesday,”
Tuesday: Cox's Bazaar. Cool place to visit, especially when it's only a month away from the exams you've been studying for, but who cares huh? You're wondering how you can impress all the girls your eyes are devouring. That's when a damned dog decides he likes your boxers a lot, and starts chasing you around.
WEEK 3: “Be brave, courageous endeavors will take you to new heights. Your lucky day this week will be Wednesday,”
Wednesday: What the hell, you're going to show that kid (the one who always teases you and totally destroys your buildup to asking that girl in the corner out) who's who. An official 'ganjam' breaks out and you and your friends go to face that kid. Only when you do get there you find you're grossly out numbered.
WEEK 4: “Educational accomplishments will be plenty this week. Your lucky day will be Monday,”
Monday: Mock. There's no escaping them now. You've got to give them. Your teachers are counting on you. They can't beat you; you'll show the non-believers what you're worth. Only there's this cute little girl beside you in serious trouble. It's an obvious certainty that you'll help out. After your done finishing her mock, you find there's only an hour left of the stipulated three hours and all you've been able to do is answer 'a' of question 1. How lucky.
WEEK 5: “Romantic activities will be prosperous. Your lucky day will be Sunday,”
Sunday: There you are in a CNG on your merry way to a date with a newly found girlfriend. You watch the sights from the CNG, appreciating everything you see and hear. Then the CNG stops at a signal an old man comes to you. You don't give him much attention, until you notice he has a fist full of poop. He asks not for alms but quite a large portion of your wallet. You obviously refuse. Wrong answer. The dude lobs the dung and splatters you're shirt. You miss the date and stand up the girl for over three hours. Lucky you.
WEEK 6: “Financial problems will be at a minimum. Your lucky day this week will be Friday,”
Friday: Payday! Finally, you've got your raise in allowance. Great. Now you can buy that awesome beauty in accounting class a birthday present that you promised her. So there you are making your way to Hallmarks, thinking of buying a card, then you'll probably buy her something cute and cuddly. A dude bumps past you, but it doesn't irritate you, no problem. You pick out a card and cute, big, pink teddy and make your way to the cash counter. However there's a problem. Your wallet's missing.
WEEK 7: “Creative achievements will be plenty. Your lucky day this week will be Thursday,”
Thursday: There's no doubt. You're going to win the writing competition held by a popular magazine. You've been telling long boastful stories to anyone who would listen; even the new girl in Physics class. You've totally assured her that you're going to win. You triumphantly show them the front page. They all start laughing and them someone congratulates the new girl for winning. Stunned you take a look at the front page yourself. Yep, the new girls won. You aren't even mentioned.
This article is the product of meticulous research spanning over a few weeks. Horoscopes lie. Believe it. The only thing they achieve is to give you a twisted misguided lucky feeling that always comes crashing down. Believe me, it's happened to me. I just hate horoscope.
So now you realise…
I suggest you forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
I wonder if Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A sign hanging on the walls:
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Never ask somebody: ”Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?”
This is what my principal told me when I was told to check the school backyard: ”If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
Placard in front of the Army recruitment booth: Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
It annoys me when I realize:
1. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
2. Before borrowing money from a friend, people have to decide which they need more.(Friend or Money !)
3. Death is hereditary.
4. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
5. Consultants who take a subject i understand and make it sound very confusing.
6. Never to argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
8. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
9. It is better to borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
10. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
11. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
By Shamma M. Raghib