Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

Advanced stupidity

The unfamiliar lifeform that had stumbled onto earth's solar system were… interesting, to say the very least. For one thing, they were quite clumsy despite their superiorly advanced intelligence. Occasionally, they would bump into asteroids. Frequently, they'll veer off course and come dangerously close to obliterating galaxies. More than often, they would fall into argument as to whether it's possible to scout the entire ever-expanding universe.

They were in very close proximity of the Earth, and it was very dangerous ground. Very dangerous, indeed. The people of Earth, ignorant as they were, were not, in fact, panicking about the aliens. They were, of course, too busy panicking about their very anomalous behavior of Water; it was acting very odd and was out of control, probably so because the aliens had knocked the moon on a path towards the sun.

Screaming bloody murder through the atmosphere of the Earth, the superior lifeform's spherical space vehicle crash landed on Earth in a fiery ball of fire and ice. Crash landing was not exactly the right word. Crashing is accidental. Their's was quite intentional.

People had gathered around it. Quite a lot of them. Of course, its universal fact that anything unusual, interesting, unknown, fatally dangerous, etc. attracts people. Again, quite a damn lot of them.

The beings inside the craft observed their observers and one of the muttered, “Look at them… Flocking around us like cattle to the slaughter.” Even though their words were English on Earth. Their meaning was vastly different. For example, that line means, “Gathering around frail old men to be bored with antique stories.”

One of the aliens came out. The humans were disappointed to discover that the aliens looked… very much like them, except… trendier, one could say. The cavemen in their animal skins came forward slowly and kept their eyes keen. The alien said, “Who is Spartacus?” Some words have the same meaning. This meant: Who is King?

A human, who was incidentally called Spartacus stepped forward and said, “I. I am Spartacus.”

Another human stepped forward, “No. I am Spartacus.” And, naturally, another stepped forward, “I am Spartacus.” Naturally, still, another: No, I am Spartacus.

Pretty soon, the tribe was in an uproar. These were the earliest times of human history. Their imagination and innovativeness had yet to mature. They were all Spartacus. In sad fact, that was true. They were, indeed, all Spartacus. In more sense than one.

However, trouble was afoot. In the alien's language “I am” means “I kill.” Interestingly, the aliens were a very noble lot. Really noble and damned proud of their dictators. Their faith in monarchy was impressive and very solid.

More of the aliens came out of their shuttle and a wave of displeasure and disapproval washed over their ranks. Their came angry mutterings about the humans being unworthy. There was whispering among them, discussing the would-be fate of these pitiful creatures, all of who claimed to have killed their Spartacus. They were glaring and they were fuming. And they were also speculating.

The human uproar had seeming died down, as one of them stepped forward and raised his hand, “We all Spartacuses. May we help you?” Roughly translated to Alien = We obliterate Monarchy. May we destroy you?”

And that was the last straw. The aliens were already aboard their ship and far beyond the moon, when the Earth was blown to smithereens, scattering space dust all over the system.

They were still very, very angry, though, which took a toll on their already horrible maneuvering skills. They bumped into several more planets, went through a couple of black holes and in the end crashed themselves on the biggest star of the Milky Way galaxy…

By SS Emil


Q&A:- You Cannot Make Any(more) Senset

I decided to do something different this week. I went out and interviewed a few people and I asked each one of them one question which is closely related with their profession. I got a lot of answers and none of them made any sense and thus I decided that most people in this country don't know crap about their respective jobs. I went home and took out a dictionary and looked up the words “profession” and “respective” to see how they were spelt. I am a writer. Now read what they had to say.

Osama- “When will the end of the world come?”

Psychic- “The signs are vague, almost undecipherable. But I am sure it will be on Wednesday. I have not been confirmed about the date because there have been a lot of network problems, what with all the rain and mudslides. But Wednesday for sure. That will be 578 taka.”

Osama-“What kind of weather do you predict tomorrow?”

Weatherman- “It may or may not rain. The sun will rise tomorrow for sure, but how hot the temperature will be is classified till tomorrow. The night is sure to be dark and there will be wind. Its ferocity cannot be determined yet because I am a weatherman, not a psychic.”

Osama- “When do you think the elections will take place?”

MP- “At this rate, never actually. Most of the candidates will be locked up. Others will retire. But let us hope it happens in six months time because I have my heart set on going to Jamaica this winter and I cannot get the money unless my party comes in power. Plus, I need to buy a new car and also need to buy a flat. All the others I bought in other people's name and now the seller refuses to recognize me.”

Osama- “What's your phone number?”

Hot Model- “Get lost!”

Osama- “What is the basis of education or rather the root?”

Education Minister- “Yes that indeed is a good question. The basis of education is very basic. The root is underground, in fact. I am good in math.”

Osama- “Will there ever be a cure for the common cold?”

Doctor- “Yes there is actually. Purchase these medicines and you will never have the common cold again. I will receive a commission from the shop you buy the medicine from and I can operate on you for tk.100000 and that way you will never ever have the cold again. You will also never see me again after the operation, but what's the harm in that, eh?”

Osama- “Originally, what sparked the war of liberation?”

Historian- “That question is very out-dated and its answer lies in the pages of history and its answer also will help you in no way. However, let me tell you that James sung for a movie in Bollywood, last year.”

Osama- “Where are the weapons of mass destruction, exactly?”

President of Powerful Blue and Red Nation- “They have been well-hidden in the vaults of the defense ministry of our country. They were there the whole time actually but it was put their by Sad-Damn.

He refused to buy them and thus we put them back in. So in a way he owned them because had he not refused them then….err…..excuse me I think Iran demands my immediate attention. I bet the some weapons have been shipped there. We must check now!”

I really don't know what the answers meant and I haven't been able to understand. I haven't learnt much and though I tried to be funny, I have failed miserably.*looks up the word “miserably”.* Until next time, take care, be safe and spread the love.

By Osama Rahman


Buried alive

You do not need to know my name. Just know that, until a few days ago, I used to be a woodcutter. I would cut down trees in the hills not far away from Chittagong. I worked for a man who owned a small factory. There, the wood would be processed, and the man would sell the wood for business. He did not pay me much, but it was enough to support my wife and three children.

One day a few months ago, a group of people came to the factory to talk to my boss. When we returned at the end of the day, we found the boss had left with a very bad temper. The group of people was still there. They called all of us towards them, and one of them began to speak.

They came from this environmental organisation with a long, complicated name I can't remember. Their message was simple: stop cutting trees.

“The roots of the trees hold the soil together!” one of them yelled at us, “if you cut down those trees, entire hills may be washed away by rain!”

“There will be more frequent and dreadful floods, because you will have cut down the trees that absorb water from the soil!”

And they said a lot more. However, I could not understand how simply cutting trees could cause more floods and wash away hills. It sounded unreasonable to me. Still, these were literate people I was not.

However, I had to face reality. The only way I could stop cutting trees was by quitting my job. But it was unlikely that I would find another. So many people were wandering idle just because there weren't enough jobs. After all, I had to keep my family alive…

So I kept on cutting trees. Until nearly two weeks ago.

Usually, people are buried after they die. My wife and all three children were buried before they died. They were buried by a landslide, which landed right on top of the group of huts at the bottom of the hill where we lived.

A hill where I had once cut down trees.

I now sit chewing the dry food supplied by emergency workers, and remember the words the people from the environmental organisation had said months ago. Had I only listened to them!

So much for keeping my family alive. Looks like I killed them in the end.

By Iftikhar Azam


Laff lines

Water
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "What?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Definition of Programmer
A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenceless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

Rabbit Breakout
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."



 

home | Issues | The Daily Star Home

2007 The Daily Star