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The week in re(ar)view

Blackholes discovered around NGO locations NGOs are set up for the welfare of those needing welfare. It turns out there are some major irregularities in the actual process of disbursing the welfare here. In fact, the problem is there is NO disbursing. The money just vanishes.

In the last one week there has been a spate of NGOs disappearing. Unofficial reports calim that blackhole shave sprung up where there has been excess money lying around. These blackholes suck in the agencies.

Literature for politics
Speakers at a conference in the city said the politicians of our country should study literature to attain human qualities and render their services to the people in a better way, says a press release.

Sadly the politicians have been reading literature that is not quite good for the general public. That means us. They prefer books like “Hitler- Mankind's Greatest Saviour”, “A to Z of Money Laundering”, “Nepotism Made Easy” and the number one bestseller for the politically inclined, “Making Public Money Work For You (and your family)”.

Disappearing oils
Non-brand soya bean oil disappeared from city wholesale markets recently with a sudden surge in edible oil prices. Meanwhile, a five-litre bottle of soya bean oil, retail priced Tk 514 with production date of March 4, 2008, was selling for Tk 535 yesterday.

Now, many of you might not give a hoot about this but oil prices rising oil prices are a major blow to our country's medical profession. Heart problems will fall drastically as people consume less oil and remain healthy. How will doctors make money now?

A number of traders at Moulvibazar alleged that a cartel consisting powerful wholesalers and oil producers is making a quick buck by suspending the supply of soya bean oil to the market. "They [the cartel] have been making crores of taka this way," said an oil trader.

Smiles brought back in Rangpur
On a brighter note, around 150 cleft-lipped poor boys and girls were successfully operated upon to help them sm,ile brightly. Another 100 are due for the treatment.

A 10-member plastic surgery team, headed by eminent plastic surgeon Dr Sharif Hasan, Under its Smile-Brighter Programme, Dutch-Bangla Bank Limited organised a 4-day-long plastic surgery camp at the Prime Specialised Hospital in Rangpur from March 4.

Gun 'Is' Us
Firearms factories are supposed to churn out thousands of killer machines a day. Our members of the Rapid Action Battalion (Rab) unearthed an illegal firearms-making factory. But the scale of operations was dramatic in the sense it was dramatically low.

RAB led a stint in the city's Nayabazar area and recovered three firearms and 12 bullets. One of these guns was a single shooter. Firearms-making equipment and spare parts were also recovered.

Broken ships on web
Our Dholaikhaal is famous for it's scrap parts for cars. But it cannot live up to the magnificence of the scrap yard for ships. We have one of the largest and most dangerous shipbreaking yards in the world. So we figure it deserves some recognition. Now it has it's own website at www.ksybn.com.

Khulna Shipyard was handed over to Bangladesh Navy due to its huge loss and bankruptcy in 1999. The shipyard, which now turned into a profitable organisation, paid a tax of Tk 23 crore to the government exchequer during 2006-07 and reduced its owes.

When ships come here to die, we smile with a glint in our teeth.]

By Mood Dude and Gokhra


Colour me insane

As I rushed past the receptionist's desk and caught a glance of my disheveled self in the mirror, I groaned. My hair looked like I had been caught in a cyclone and I didn't want a bad hair day on top of my already lousy day. I looked at my watch.

My @#$?*& of a boss had already kept me in late to give me some 'pointers' on how to behave at the high-profile company meeting that evening, which would start in about 5 hours. I had had enough time to go home, take a shower, change out of my work clothes and make a quick stop by the salon to get that impossibly curly hair of mine fixed.

Maybe I'll even get it lightened, I thought as I tried to hail a cab with my arms stacked full of papers and files. But only if my favourite hairdresser Naved was there. Which to my luck, he wasn't. 3 ½ hours later, I pushed my way into the cool reception area of my salon, feeling that maybe the evening wouldn't turn out to be so bad after all. I mean, I had a sneaking feeling my boss was keeping me more as eye candy than for my contribution to the firm but maybe things would work out and I would get that promotion tonight. However Sarah, the familiar receptionist pulled a face as soon as she saw me.

'Sorry, hon. Naved's not available. He just left for an important appointment. We only have him today.' She pointed to a small, rather chubby and bald man in the corner who seemed to be talking to himself as he played with the scissors in his hand. 'Are you sure there's no one else?' I asked as I looked around desperately. Was I going to put my lovely hair into this man's hands tonight of all nights? Sarah sympathetically shook her head no. Not having time to spare, I decided to be brave and walked over to the wacko…err…hairdresser.

'Erm…excuse me?' I said. He still kept on talking to himself. 'Uh, you I'm talking to you!' I said as I poked him. 'Ouch!' he cried as if he had been branded. He glared at me now.

'Bhat do you want?' he asked in a thick Nowakhali accent.

'To get my hair done? Isn't that your job?' I asked a bit arrogantly as I sat down in the chair in front of him. He continued glaring at me as I had said something offensive.

'Your hair too long' he announced. 'I cannot work with such long hair.'

'What?' I cried confirmed that the guy had lost it.
“Miss, come on, this hair too long for me to work. I have rights, I refuse,” he said plaintively, with the all the audacity of a pugnacious kid demanding chocolate from his indulgent parents.

“Look, it's been a bad day and I just need my hair done. I'll pay double, okay?” I replied pleadingly. I didn't realize until then how important my job was to me. I normally wouldn't have gone near a guy like him; he reminded me too much of the lecherous villains you see in the movies.

“Ah… pay now, or I don't do hair” he said, big, gap toothed smile flashing.

“Whatever, look, do you have the B17, Cherry Brown by Dulien? Mix it with a bit of that new Negative K Red by Gregario, it makes a cute combination of brown and red. Can you do that dye?”

“We don't serve food here madam, this here hair saloon. You can have yesterday's fries, you want?” He offered me a moldy plastic container with even moldier fries. My eyes widened in disgust and disbelief.
“What…? Are you plain retarded?”

“Hey you the one who spoke gibberish. I'm simple village 'napith'. I don't get gibberish” he stated in that arrogant nasal voice. I must ask Sarah how they ever hired a dweeb like this guy.

“Look, see that tube, that's the dye I want. Just do it now will you? I need to get to that party.” I said resignedly in an exasperated voice.

“You WORK?! But you a girl! Your family let you work? This WRONG! No women should work!”

“Hey! Just get to work finishing my hair okay? I'm not paying you to judge me!” This guy was not only crazy, he was also sexist!

“Alright lady. But you going to hell. God don't like working women” he announced almost sagely.
“Ahh…shut up.”

He worked for thirty minutes. I can't say I wasn't relieved when he was done I mean, I'd had enough of narrow minded men at work, mainly my boss, whom I was stuck with for who knows how long. I just wanted to get the day over with. When he finished, he turned the chair towards the mirror with flair and…

'Ahhhhhh!!!!!!' I screamed jumping out of the chair. The psycho had half colored my hair red and half fluorescent blue!

'You're so gonna pay for this!' I yelled hysterically as I turned on him. 'Do you know that I might loose my job over this?! You illiterate, thick headed fool! I am not paying for this disaster! Give me my money back now!!' For some reason he didn't seem perturbed, in fact he seemed to be enjoying himself which infuriated me even more.

'No, no apa, no money back. Once I get money, no money return. And I be owner of this place' he said, smiling superiorly. This stunned me but I wasn't one to back down, not after what he did to my hair. After threatening I would take serious action against him and his whole saloon, I turned to get my bag and walk out, away from this horrible man. But he had the audacity to stop me.

'What?!' I shouted in his face, wondering if he was decent enough to apologize. However, he just leaned in closer. 'I was wondering' he said softly. 'Could I have your phone number? I like…how do you say it? I like my women weird.' Once again that gap toothed smile. I was rendered permanently speechless by this statement and could do or say nothing but walk out of the shop; never, ever to return again as long as I remain sane.

By Nisma Elias and Tareq Adnan


The digital remakes

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.

Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.

Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii.

Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files-- no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.


"FAME" Quotes Marilyn Monroe

“I love to do the things the censors won't pass."
"A career is born in public
– talent in privacy."

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

When Monroe was asked to tell something about the love of women by a reporter. She said

"Men who think that a woman's past love affairs lessen her love for them are usually stupid and weak. A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, provided there are not too many."

From Lee Strasberg's eulogy: Marilyn Monroe was a legend.In her lifetime she created a myth of what a poor girl from a deprived background could attain. For the entire world she became a symbol of the eternal feminine.

Compiled by- Adnan Quadri



 

 

 

 


 
 

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