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Laff lines

English tip 101

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Eat your plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.

Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.

Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.

Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

Tasty caterpillars
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

Heard on a radio station:
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

H-2-OH!
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay a lot of money for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

Time passes
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"


Newest Discovery

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.

To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".

Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.

By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginning as a location finder for any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.

By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)


Weird news

The world keeps getting weirder and weirder. Last week was weird and this week seems to be no different at all. The world is exploding with news of the weird and here's a glance at some of them.

1. The Unemployed Wizard- Jim Piculas, a former substitute teacher of Pasco County School District, has lost his job for a magical reason. After performing a magic trick, involving a disappearing toothpick, for a middle school audience, he was quickly called and told that his services would no longer be required by the school. The reason was simple. He had performed black-magic, which apparently had traumatized the students. Even though, Piculas showed the students how the trick was done, it was not enough to convince them. Performing wizardry isn't clever unless your students are Harry Potter, Ron and Hermoine, it seems. Even though the trick lasted 45 seconds, the repercussions will last forever, as Piculas' case has not been considered and he has been refused any other teaching jobs. Leave the tricks to Blaine.

2. House of Fire- Residents a mile off Kilauea Volcano, near Kalpana Hawaii, have found a way of building houses without using the costly house-building materials. Instead of the more conventional, steel and bricks, people here have build their houses of burned-out lava rocks. The people feel more connected to their homes as they have build their houses with their own scavenging hands, collect rainwater to drink, plant vegetables between the rocks and also have installed solar panels. Well, now people have a different concept of housing, making the crisis seem ludicrous. 'I'm more scared of people than Lava.' One resident said. Well we are certainly more scared of freaks than Lavas. For sure.

3. Devil's Birth?- US World POPclock Projection page is showing that the world's population may soon hit 6,666,666,666 sometime in may. This would mean that the birth of the devil may take place in May. The end may soon be near and so many people have already started praying. Some however remain skeptical, stating that as people are born then more people will die, but this makes no sense to us, because population will exceed. That was a useless sentence added for your confusion. But the 6,666,666,666 birth, the devil re-incarnate, if tracked down, will immediately be killed. Or something like that.

4. Never Lost- Ever lost a wallet and then a week later conceded that you would probably never see it again? Well, don't give up so easily because Sandy Bauberger was returned her wallet, 35 years after she had last seen it. Eric Wherley, a dental student who returned it, said he had found it in a school's bathroom drop ceiling, where the thief had reportedly hidden it. Either that, or maybe the wallet is a shameful inheritance. Any how, Sandy and her husband have planned to reward 30-year old Eric, by hopefully not giving back the wallet as a gift, because it was sure darn hard to track down the owner. Maybe the library card, driver's license and the ID card in the wallet gave a clue, but 35 years later, you never know.

5. Creature Feature- Many of us may scream or be terrified by the sight of a cockroach flying in but a woman in Florida got more than she had ever imagined. She actually stumbled upon a 8-foot long alligator in her kitchen. It got in through the screen door and roamed the living room and the kitchen. I'd take a cockroach over that any day. Even though a trapper finally set the alligator free and no one was injured, the 69-year old lady thanks her good stars that she had kept the lights on and curses herself for not keeping the screen door tightly shut.

That's the happenings of the week. Keep it real and keep it weird, you just might make the news.

Sources- about.com,sfgate.com, newsoftheweird.com, morons.org

By Osama Rahman


Ruffled Hair and Indolence

Forget not how you caressed my ruffled hair
When my laden head used to laze on your fond thighs,
Your fingers trickling through my indolence
While my eyes flickered to sloth slumber.
The rain sopping our backs with a sip of mere talk of adore
Resting us off somber morrows
As barren tales consciously kept my fingers
Playfully lingering on yours;
and when you leaned down your eyes
I would ignore the rain, and all that could be
Coarse your slender hair behind your ear and
trace out your tender face with my wet fingertips,
from your plucked eye brows to your trembling lips,
and solemnly kiss you behind your sodden ear.
Forget not those exploited brief times
of unacknowledged content tedium
Kept silent solely by the sound of the drizzling rain,
and our distant slumber.
By Adnan M. S. Fakir


The haunted house

My friends dared me to go
And I could not say no.
They made me vow
To go to the Haunted House.
I rang the bell and the door opened
No one was there and I was frightened
It was pitch black, there was no sound
In this eerie place, darkness was all I found.
Then I heard laughter and a voice
Making a weird and evil noise
The horrible voice said
"Go away or you'll be dead"
But the door was locked
I could not escape.
I took one step forward
And froze in horror
I saw something huge and green
Out of it nostrils came steam
The stench was disgusting
And its appearance, revolting.
The monster's tongue lashed
Out of its mouth and flashed
As it tried to eat me
Its teeth were ghastly
Blue wet with drool
It was no fool.
I screamed in panic
My life would end tragic
So I ran for my life
Everything was in strife
Then further on I saw light
And jumped into it, out of sight.
I opened my eyes to see that
I was back home and sat
Down on the grass, relieved
And I believed
Never to listen to dares again.
By Numaya Shahriar


Corrigendum

Last week, it was said that the Music Planet School was a part of the Omni Music School, which was actually a misunderstanding on the part of the author. The Music Planet School happens to be a separate establishment by itself. The mistake is regretted.

 

 

 


 
 

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