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History 101 Part V
Kings of Inconvenience


IT's the end of the Renaissance as we know it and I feel fine. And you want to know why, because all those artistic types who will be little artists in the future centuries are all dead. Also, it's the Age of Discovery now, meaning Europe has finally become too congested for everyone to live in.

And all the way over in Japan, they are finally realizing that Shoguns aren't good people, after Ieyasu Tokugawa finally took over, forcing the people to go back to the old ways of the samurai, although that isn't really working out that well now that guns have been introduced, katanas aren't as painful as a lead slug in the knackers.

In merry England, after Queen Elizabeth finally topped it and got one over the Pope by dying a virgin. It was James who took the throne purely by chance, making us lowly mortals wish our aunts were ornery frigid queens. They're already ornery and frigid… well two out of three ain't bad.

In retaliation to the pious Protestants in England, the Spanish decide they don't want to be left behind and start something called the Spanish Hegemony. It's exactly what it sounds like, oh ye of filthy minds. Actually no, what that means is that the Spanish culture started integrating itself with the other cultures present in the Spanish Empire, laying the foundations of millions of Mexicans to come into being and illegally immigrate into the USA.

All the way over in Turkey, the Ottoman Empire was facing a lot of problems due to there not being, to say it simply, any turkeys available to satisfy the average Ottoman family. This is why in the 1600s they faced revolts and such, but historians claim it was for a different reason than one just stated, but we know the truth and now you do too. Also, the Sultanate of Woman started exercising its power, giving power to corrupt female leaders long before people like Margaret Thatcher and Khaleda Zia were ever born. What this means is that the Imperial Harem finally decided to swing its hips into power by controlling the Sultans who… ahem used to visit… often.

In China, they started gearing up for the 2008 Olympics by deciding to start the Qing Dynasty. They had over 400 years to train for this huge event so now you know why they did so well this time around. The Qing Dynasty was also known as the Empire of the Great Qing of China and even back then they were known for being very good at copying the rest of the world but messing up when it came to naming themselves. Qing, King… get it? Yes, they were copying everything even back then. Spelling it seems, has never been their forte.

After the Renaissance, this was the period when the world discovered itself and learned the meaning of life. Actually no, all they did was find new ways of making life all the more complicated. I mean come on… But hey, it at least had Elizabeth I in it, giving female British actresses the one good role they can play when they reach a certain age.

By Tareq Adnan


World Domination

Rachel Stewart was the most popular girl at school. She was the head cheerleader and the other students around her envied her. Everybody's heads turned as she walked down the hallway, towards her locker. Her face had the best expression a snob could throw at the others. She was sending an air of 'untouchable' to every girl who looked at her. But she still had to wait for one special person. She stood in front of her locker as she saw Anna Bell walk towards her. This was her final step for gaining complete control over the weak minds of the students. She was about to transform in to a complete princess. Her striking, beautiful features turned to one of a leopard chasing its prey; she pushed her blond hair back and got ready for the ultimate humiliation of 'little-miss-perfect'. Hiding the chocolate pudding she had brought for lunch behind her back, she stepped towards Anna as she opened the locker beside hers.

“Hey Anna!” she said with the sweetest voice “Lovely dress, where did you get it from?”

Looking a little lost by this sudden change in attitude of the popular cheerleader, Anna quietly answered “oh, it was given to me by my grandmother. She made it herself; it's very special to me.”

“I'm sure it is,” Rachel started to turn away as a decoy, but stopped, turned back and said “Although there is always room for improvement!” as she pushed the chocolate pudding into Anna Bell's dress.

Anna fell to the floor on her back. Her shocking red dress with white floral laces was now nothing but a pile of mud. She sat on the floor looking up to the jeering faces of her classmates, but one face was laughing the loudest. She watched as Rachel Stewart walked away in her four inch heels and her pink flowing short skirt waved as she walked with a new bounce in her steps. Rachel had completes her task of the day. Anna Bell hated Rachel Stewart for doing this to her!

By Raiya Kishwar Ashraf
Age: 14, Class 10, Marie Curie School


Laff lines

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." -- Ian Hart

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." -- Bill Cosby

We were thoroughly confused while transcribing medical audiotapes. My co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."


Visitors

THEY came in crashing through the door; all dressed in black formals, with their faces half hidden by large black sunglasses. There were four of them. I had been working on my laptop seconds ago and my fingers froze in mid air as I gaped at the intruders.

“Look, we mean no harm. All we need is some information,” one of them spoke. He didn't sound like he was from Bangladesh. Foreigners were breaking into my house? Interesting.

“Just hand over the file you are working on and just make sure you keep your nose out of the subject,” another threatened.

“You want my article on Animal Disease? But why?” I asked, bewildered.

“Ha ha, does it look like we are up for any of your cute jokes?” said the man who looked like the leader.

I turned the laptop around so they could see the screen for themselves. One of them came closer and tapped on some keys for a while, looking intense.

Minutes later he declared, “Sorry sir, its not here”

“Not here! How could that be?!” the Leader exclaimed.

“Will you just please tell me what you people want?” I exclaimed.

The four of them exchanged looks and got into a whispered discussion. The Leader took off his shades. Without them, he almost looked normal and less intimidating.

“You work for The Daily Planet, right?” he questioned, narrowing his eyes.

I searched his face for a few seconds and when I realized he was serious, I couldn't help but burst into a fit of giggles and it took me a few minutes to regain my composure.

“Sorry Sir, whoever you are, but I work for The Daily STAR…not…” with that I started laughing again.

“Who were you looking for? Lois Lane?” I managed to ask.

“Well aren't you?”

“Does it LOOK like it?!!”

Suddenly his expression changed to that of surprise. The four of them looked stressed out.

“We're extremely sorry. Forget this episode ever took place. And we will repair all the damage that we have done.”

Within seconds they were gone. I rushed to the window to see them get into a gleaming back limousine. Now who would believe me if I told them what just happened?!

By Nayeema Reza


No idea

The heart feels like a
knife has been sliced through it
The brain feels like its been sitting in the sun for days
Why this was happening, she didn't know
She had no idea, no clue
That she would feel this way,
That she would turn into a weeping fool
That she would realize she loved him so much
That she would do anything to come back
She missed everything about him
His voice, his characteristics, his ways
Of showing his affection
But she had no idea, no clue
Every single memory seemed magnified now
Each moment, each song
It was more than she could do
To stop herself from being this way
So now she knew the heart had twists
And how you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
But she had no idea no clue.

By Nisma Elias

 

 
 

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