A thrilling adventure
Returning home, I checked the answers and with no surprise found Ifd created an alternate Einstein persona for me, who devises newer and crazier physics laws. So I decided to take on an epic adventure to secure my destiny to pass the exam. Clad in a black gown, the dark knight dived knowing the dreadful knowledge of being knocked-out from this knotty yet naughty exam. With the sharpness of a cat and stealth of Hitman (played by my brother) I entered the college compound and found the room with the answer scripts. After finding my script, I was just about to rectify the mistakes, when I found no pen with me. In the dim light of the room I found one on the table and with it corrected my writings. Satisfied, I went back to my room and lit the light. Thatfs when it happened. I saw myself holding a red pen........... Just like that.
With terrible headache, heartache, stomachache, I woke up with my mum screaming and discovering my bed wet with perspiration. Donft get any other ideas.
By Jawad Mahmud
Musings during a mock examination
So, my Mock Examinations are in progress (ah, you have no idea of the ordeal until you face it yourself). They are due to end within the next week; but mock exams have their own way of being a slow torture for our poor demented souls. I know they are not really exactly like the real deal but their primary purpose is to give you an idea of the real thing. For one thing, you don't exactly get to sit in that comfortable bench at the end of your class that makes a perfect place for “consultations” (read: cheating). Usually when it comes to exams, you would find this magazine full of tips on how to ideally prepare for them; but well this piece of text happens to be a more “practical one”.
Thus instead of describing on how to ready yourself before an exam, yours truly has outlined pointers below as part of his “charity work” on what to do during an exam-mock or not. They are completely original and not plagiarized (I am really against that stuff). But a word of advice; take them with a sack of salt!
1. Practice napping on surfaces of Question Papers and desks.
2. Practice Japanese Origami with the Question Paper and use them as target practice towards the teachers. This could turn out to be a very entertaining competition between friends.
3. These are good times to think of ways on bridging communication gaps and removing grudges with that nerd sitting right in front of you with his pen moving so fast along the surface of the paper that you cannot even see it.
4. Nerds, on the other hand, if they are smart enough to look out of their papers can actually relish a moment in bullying the jocks while giving them answers. Although, trust me, tables have known to be turned as soon as both parties are out of the Exam hall (poor nerds!)
5. Mocks are excellent occasions to talk about the Global Financial Recession (particularly if the exam is Economics).
6. Come to think of it, Mocks give you relaxing time to think of ideas for write-ups that you can submit to a certain teen magazine we all love to read (my personal favorite).
7. If you are an ardent watcher of reality shows, then you may set yourself an Immunity Task of limited time periods to complete examinations. Personally, this works best when you set yourself an hour period for a three hour long Bengali Exam. Although, I cannot guarantee you immune from your Mom.
8. You can figure out ways to make the building's generator noisier, which would give you an advantage of swapping answers with your friends' right under the ears of those deaf invigilators (no offence).
9. Make wish lists to be given to your parents after achieving excellent grades in your real Examinations (if you pass, that is).
10. Run along the length of the classroom crying your lungs out with the words, “GHOST! GHOST!” (If your invigilators are smart enough, they would understand it's them).
11. Post questions you do not know on your Facebook Status Updates using your mobile phone.
12. Devise new strategies to take over the world by scribbling at the back of your Paper and using stationeries as soldiers and weapons.
13. Dial 999 for answers.
14. Take part in boring conversations with teachers with zeal.
15. Here's a thought. Put your head in the exam and actually try to PASS!
Meanwhile, excuse me while I run around the class screaming “Count Dracula!”
By Wahid T. Khan
How to irritate people in a party
-Wear a very baggy and faded pair jeans fastened just above the danger level. If you are lucky the guards won't let you enter (happened to one of my friends).
-Sit in a secluded corner and stare at the floor. When you see people coming near you, raise your eyes and eyebrows, not your head at them and give a mysterious smile.
-If a person sits next to you, stare at him hard for a minute or so. He will leave.
-When surrounded by a lot of people, you may mumble darkly and inaudibly occasionally letting others hear “kill” or “yaba” etc.
-You can always make faces at people staring at you.
-When things go too quietly for your liking, go “owwwwwwwwwwww” with a wolfish tone.
-In a marriage ceremony, ogle at the bride, stay near her.
-Applause when the host says something.
-When the video camera moves towards you at the time of eating, start eating at top speed. Don't bother about your dress or the person sitting next to you.
-Going cross-eyed is always a good idea.
-If you like you can start dancing on the stage singing an English song.
-Walk around in circles, passing the same person a number of times. You can stare hard at his eyes and smile mischievously.
N.B. the above ideas are to be implemented on the userfs own risk. The author wonft be taking any responsibility for any harm. Also these are guys only version.
By Jawad Mahmud
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
Dear RS Editor
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