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Dark night for the Dark Knight

8.30 pm

Bruce Wayne, the richest man in the whole of Gotham, was having his dinner when the bat-signal flashed up on the sky. Bruce left the table leaving one third of his enormous meal untouched. He saw his trusted butler Alfred was already in the cave. Nodding at him he went straight to the dressing room. The bat-suit was already there. Bruce took special care in donning the suit, so it took only two minutes. By the time he finished, he was already feeling a little pressure in the region of his stomach. His regular routine of clearing the bowels was disrupted. .gDuty first
.h he reminded himself, .gthen.c.cother tasks..h

1.17 a.m.
Batman succeeded in overpowering two drug dealers, three thugs and two heavy metal rock musicians who were disturbing their respective localities with their uh... music.
.gWhat a night!.h Batman was thinking as he was confiscating the guitars from rock stars. But he had no time to think about the boys: he had more pressing issues. The food that night was proving to be a hard nut to crack for the stomach. There were some grumbles earlier when he was tackling a ruffian. But luckily his prestige survived as the occurrence was in the mid of a fight. Now the pressure had reached a certain limit. Batman got on the Bat-mobile and pressed hard on the accelerator. As he was heading for home, his mind remained restless. He tried very hard to concentrate on the things other than the smallest room in his manor but all that came up in his mind were things like this: .gI have to install a restroom inside the Bat-mobile.h .gDid Alfred put in new rolls of toilet paper?.h etc.

1.26 a.m.
Batman could not ignore the call of Nature for much longer. He stopped the Bat-mobile right in front of a large building: Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. The guards recognized him and let him enter, probably sensing a purpose in his movements.
.gIf they knew what was going on inside the Dark Knight!.h thought Batman as he hurried into the tower. Batman entered the first cell he passed without knocking. The cell was empty, but a sound could be heard from a corner. It was the bathroom. Someone was already there. Sensing no usefulness Batman entered a second room. The room was empty too and Batman made straight for the door of the lavatory. This door was locked from the inside and as he knocked, a demonic voice was sounded. It was the voice of the Joker. Batman begged for the first time in his life to have a go (!). The Joker had his trademark dialogue for him .gWhy so serious?.h and then a laugh.

Nearly crying Batman entered the cell next to the Joker.fs. The Riddler barred the way to the toilet with an evil grin and asked Batman this .gWhat when inside us, which when outside us disgusts us.....h (And so on) .gNooooo, another maniac..h screamed Batman, his limits almost reached. .gNow, now, concentrate batty boy, that was a wrong answer. I'll give you another chance.h .gOhhh.h moaned Batman .gs**t.h. .gExactamundo, as expected from you. You may enter,.h said the Riddler. Bruce entered the room of heavenly pleasure.c

By Jawad Mahmud


Cat fights

A Couple of weeks back, a colleague here wrote about boys' first fist fights. This got Miss Reporter pondering about certain experiences of her own. Now for a girl, you don't actually call those “fist fights”; the stuff is more widely known as “cat fights”. Of course you must be familiar with them. They are everywhere in movies from Mean Girls to Bride Wars. Usually it is seen that these fights ignite from the stupidest of reasons.

“You got the same shoe as I did!” exclaims Girl 1.
“No, I did not. You copied me!” Girl 2 screams back.
And then we all are aware of what the so-called conversation ends up into.

Catfights are not always as light-hearted as they sound like. They can get ugly, gruesome in fact. There was a true incident in a certain really popular school in Dhaka where two girls almost bashed their faces off. Even the poor teacher who tried to pacify them was not spared and if reports are to be believed he got a fair share of scratches too. So the cause of the fight later turned out to be a guy. Okay we've heard about guys fighting over girls but the other way round? A total disgrace for womankind surely!

The story goes further back in time when Miss Reporter's eyes were corrupted after witnessing her classmates fighting back when she was in Grade 4. The reason was not much; just that one had read the other's secret diary. A few simple questions could be asked, why bring the diary to school in the first place and why snoop around and read it anyway? Guess this “sneakiness” is an in-built trait inside all of us!

Miss Reporter never had such a pretty experience of ending up in cat fights (un)thankfully! It was more like getting beaten by brothers older and younger than her. Of course it was more terrible. She would charge ever so enthusiastically on them and well, come back with bruises and occasionally a torn ligament and a broken arm. No wonder they say girl fights are a lot cooler! And so you see the endless saga of getting beaten continued and is still doing so in fact. In the end there's no point in having catfights but since we all like pointless stuff, we should indulge into some ever so often. What say?

By Faria Sanjana


Tried and tested

As I switched on the television the other day, I came across this scenario- a warm sunny day with a cool wind blowing. Butterflies are hovering over flowers and birds are chirping. In the near distance, I see two people walking hand in hand, and as they get closer, I see that they are merrily skipping away, singing "Britol biskoot khaite khaite jay belaah!" Wait, WHAT? Yes, you heard that right that was a television ad for a local biscuit!

Advertisements have taken a totally different turn in recent years and they become funnier and more entertaining! There's a particular advertisement, which sell products through TV. One of the products promises to increase a person's height by almost 6 inches by only wearing different soles in shoes! Now as I did not need that extra height, so just to test it, I took the help of my not-so-tall cousin. After much begging and bribing, I got her to wear soles. After two weeks of wearing the painful soles, I measured her. The results? *Drumrolls* 1 centimeter! Or was it because of her ponytail?

Conclusion:If it REALLY worked, the charecter "Mini Me" from the movie Austin Powers would have been a whole lot taller!

Another promises to make you lose weight just by lying down and shaking your legs. Well, I tried that one myself. It was fun at first, but then I just got bored and fell asleep.

Verdict: It just made me a whole two pounds heavier.

Another cream promises to get rid of acne and scarring within a week! Now my friend had a pimple the size of Mount Vesuvius a week before an important meeting, so I went ahead and put the cream on her pimple. Within minutes, the pimple erupted like a volcano and she was left with a huge pit where her pimple resided.

The verdict: The person who posed for the before and after shoot had acnes painted so fakely on her face that even real acnes would be afraid to pop out!

And then there are numerous fairness ads which promises to make you four shades fairer in four weeks, (makeup included!) Another advertisement guarantees a full head of hair within two weeks. Well, the "after" picture of the man shows him having the most horrendously blonde coloured head of hair ever to exist on the face of the earth!

Hmm… was a mutation of genes responsible for garish hair colour also guaranteed?

The last product I tried was one where, after applying a particular brand of oil in your hair, your hair would have a mind of its own. No really. Its suppose to become something close to what Medusa had on her head, and whenever a girl would pass by a guy, her hair would mysteriously wrap itself around his shirt button and... Ahem... rip it off. So after a week of making my sister (who has hair as long as Rapunzel's) put the on her head, we tried the test. She walked past her husband and... NOTHING! Maybe it was suppose to work on a totally random guy who she had not seen in her entire life!

Verdict: Even though some products won't make you fair or make your hair like Medusa's, for a dose of daily laughter, television advertisements sure ranks at the top!

By Sumaiya Tabassum Ahmed


Laff Lines


Glossary Terms

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

New scientific theories

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."

 

 

 


 
 

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