Musings during a debate round
1. Go absolutely blank. No seriously, that helps. Who am I kidding, just sit there and pretend you have no idea how you landed there in the first place. Of course, just don't get too much devoted to the act.
2. Target stationery at the mouths of those boring opponents. Trust me, no one gives a damn (at least none except your Target).
3. Practice sleeping with your eyelids open. Now that's something 'em yoga shows don't teach!
4. When your opponent's at the podium, raise a POI (that's Point Of Information) saying that his shoelaces are untied. He would foolishly look down at his slippers, but you yell, “Psych!”
5. Pretend you are running for the US Presidency. Although, don't copy Lincoln's speech.
6. Bribe the Time-Keeper to time your opponents for 18 minutes instead of the standard 8 minutes. While for yourself, tell him/her to time you for 4 minutes instead of 8.
7. Start a low buzzing sound while your opponents speak, particularly if you know they are afraid of insects. Wait for it, and they will soon start screaming out of the room at the top of their lungs.
8. If you are of the strong muscular type, motion you slitting their throats while they speak. Just for raising your team's morale, show it to your teammates as well. Personally, I am sure they will oblige.
9. Debates are excellent occasions to build that healthy friendship (or more like kiss-up) with that good-looking adjudicator. A box of chocolates or an original “Grey's Anatomy” DVD will do. Adjudicators, you know you wanted that DVD.
10. Start reacting to other people's speeches like Jose Mourinho of Inter Milan. People will get the message.
11. Wear a cloak, apply make-up and talk in a thick accent saying you are an exchange student from Transylvania. Again, people will get the message.
12. Scrawl down a text to your teammates saying that they better make you proud or you will subject them to the Chinese water torture. Judging by the fact that they know you were stupid enough to read this article and follow it, I am sure they will treat you seriously (or as a psychopath, whichever works).
13. Although this is a debating secret, make up geeky-sounding jargons to impress the adjudicators. Works every time.
14. Hey! You are not getting paid to debate or endorsing any brand!! That's downright outrageous! Go protest!! It's the Recession, you know!
Now beat it while I go have a talk with my Coach regarding my salary.
By Wahid T. Khan
Diary of a confused young man
Journal entry 55:
I woke up this morning to find that my pimples burst, and there were scratch marks all over my face. And my hair was strangely well-combed. I talked to a friend about it and told him about my suspicion- that a madman comes to my house every night, skews my nails, puts the trimmings in my mouth and proceeds to pop my pimples and comb my hair. The friend asked me why anyone would do that. I gravely looked at her and said, “Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men?” She looked at me as If I was some kinda loony and said that I have blood under my nails, that I probably bit them in my sleep, scratched my pimples myself, and combed my hair, too. I gave her the same look she gave me, told her that we're no longer friends, anymore, and that she can find someone else to harass.
Journal Entry 58:
I'm moving away from this place. I realized I'm not happy here.
Journal Entry 60:
Journal Entry 61:
Shortly after, a chocolate cake was delivered to me. I ate it enthusiastically and found myself wanting more. Shortly after, a chocolate cake was delivered to me. I ate it heartily and found myself wanting more. I was reflecting on an acute sense of déjà vu, just when the doorball rang. I found a little box with a glass ball inside. It glowed in funky colors. There was a note, it said, “Sorry. No deal.” I frowned and decided to go back to the chocolate cake I found on my dining table.
The delicate art of borrowing
The global economic crisis is the talk of the world in recent times. Who are the sufferers? Yes, it is us, the teenagers. To counter the problems regarding the vacuum in our pockets we have to take up loans.
It is easy to say but difficult to achieve. It is a sacred art, one that dates back to time immemorial. Starting from the stones and the clubs those ancient men loaned each other, loaning ranges from simple money to pen and paper and what not. So it is very important to be able to convince people to give loans to you when you need something very dearly. One thing to remember: you have got to have your own style. No great borrower can teach you this art form, you have to learn it yourself and apply according to the situation.
A proverb goes: he who hesitates is lost. This is very much true for taking loans. This is the knowledge all loan-takers have gained through hardship and suffering. If you are not sure of your own desires and words, then loans may come, but in a hard way. Never be indecisive, ask straight out what you want. Do not be ashamed of your needs, every one has a lack of something or another.
Now one thing that matters greatly, if not most: flattery. Most of the people think that it is flattery that can solve the problem. This is not always correct. Flattery needs to be careful. If you grease someone excessively your needs may slide over him. No frictional force to help your cause. So there should be a limit to the flattery. I am not saying that flattery is absolutely prohibited but you should exercise caution.
There are some very intelligent people out there, who are like water. All those oils never mix with them, so your smooth talks may go in vain. There are separate ways to convince them and vaporize their coolness. You have to ask them indifferently like “Yo, give me ten bucks now.” This throws them off balance and may accidentally bring success.
Asking indifferently helps other times also. Sometimes the initial remarks don’t work very well. In this case the surprise factor comes into play. Show a very busy attitude and ask directly: “Any money with you? I need some.”
Now some talk about the prologue. Donft start with your misfortunes. Other people have those also, and the rich more than others. Imagine the scenario: you are talking about all those injustices done to you to get his sympathy and loans just when he starts telling you his. And most dangerous, he may ask for some money from you. That hurts. Be cheerful.
But not after you are rejected. The potential borrower may fall for your miserable face. Thank a person profoundly, that opens up the possibility of future loans, whether you get it or not.
And last of all remember to pay back. That is very important.
Now send me some money orders would you, via e-mail? I promise I will forever be indebted to you. Oh yes, thatfs one thing you should not say. Cheers.
By Jawad Mahmud
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