Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, August 20, 2009

Smelly Brands- Spend Wildly, Leave well

By Naveed

Do you (yes exactly YOU), the reader, want to be more accepted socially? Do you want to be the underlying cause for swooning girls, or the purpose for the loud whistles as you walk across the street? Do you suffer from horrible boils, obesity, anorexia, anaemia, smallpox, the Black Death, low self esteem, god complex, acrophobia, agoraphobia, arachnophobia, or a case of the weepies? Are you frustrated by your failure in life because you are too SHORT??????????

Frustrated midget: My entire family is really short. I know its the genes. But for once I'd like to be the tallest in the bunch, and blow away the competition. *Tears roll down*. I also get teased a lot… I want to be accepted by the people who tease me because they're the centres of the social planet.

WELL LOOK NO MORE. SMELLY BRANDS BRINGS YOU: HOCO POCO HEIGHT INCREASER!!! YES, no medication, no injection, no colonoscopy to find out if there's something wrong with you (because if you want to buy this, there IS). HOCO POCO HEIGHT INCREASER is your one stop solution for all of life's problems. No matter if you're young or old, thin or fat, short or tall (YES EVEN TALL PEOPLE), and no matter from what walk of life, you NEED Hoco Poco Height Increaser to boost your life style. But what IS the Hoco Poco height increaser? It is the pinnacle of Hoco-Scientific research, conducted at the Smelly Brands Research Centre for Hocum, where our only goal is to make life better for YOU. Here at our Research Centre, top-level scientists from all over the world tinker with colour changing liquids, wear pearly white lab-coats and nod in unison as they come up with new and innovative ideas, which touch your lives.

Enough Chatter. You're here at the dawn of a new era. Without further ado, let us see why you MUST get Hoco Poco Height Increaser, or die trying. Here to explain, is our lead researcher, and an MIT graduate who owned NASA and almost became as famous as Elvis, here is Mr. Jango Fett.

Guy in Lab Coat who OBVIOUSLY knows what he's talking about: Hoco is really the brainchild of innovation. All you need to do is put Hoco under your feet when you put your shoes on. Hoco has little magnets, which stimulate the nerve endings on your feet and make you grow taller in three months (which, incidentally, is waaaaaayy after the end of our money back period)! It does not require any painful surgery, and you will feel happier because of it. These miraculous magnets make you grow taller regardless of gender, age, genetics, or your diet. YES, even diet. The magnets themselves provide the necessary nutrients and nourishment that is necessary for your body to grow, just like a baby that is being fed through its feet. This animated video of electricity surging from Hoco and travelling through the soles of your feet should convince any remaining sceptics that what we're doing at Hoco is by no means a hoax.

Narrator: There you have it folks. Uh-MAYzing. Who'd have though of it? Making magnets stimulate the nerve endings on your feet to make you grow taller. But our highly paid scientists certify it and THAT's good enough for me. Buy the Hoco Poco Height Increaser now, and experience an unprecedented change in your lifestyle

Six Foot Five Giant who claims to be the midget shown earlier in the show: Hoco has changed my life. I am taller and happier for it. The former crowd who used to tease me now accepts me with open arms. The NBA made me an offer, and Guiness World records want me to be the world's tallest midget. I'm so happy. *Tears roll down again*.

Narrator: Now isn't that beautiful. What are YOU waiting for? Order Hoco Poco Height increaser today, and Walk Tall!

Hoco Poco: Available for shipment immediately. Only 999 Taka, postage and handling additional. Upon ordering now, you shall receive a Evil Laser Eye deflecting pendent (worth 8000 Taka), a Sonu Monu Sauna Watch (worth 14000 Taka) and your happiness (priceless) ABSOLUTELY FREE. Yes folks this is no joke.

Evil Laser Eye Deflecting pendant: The Evil Laser Eye deflecting pendant is here. If your neighbours and your family are giving you the Eye, and you don't like all the lasers that are shooting out of them, then just buy the pendant, and it shall deflect those pesky laser beams back to the sender. NEVER THOUGHT YOU COULD DO THAT DID YOU?

The Sonu Monu Sauna Watch: This is the best weight loss machine ever. Just wear the watch on your wrist, and it shall suck all the fat out of you by making your wrist sweat. Yes folks, it IS UH-MAYZING. The results are unquestionable. You shall drop one wrist-size in a minute, or we guarantee we'll send you a lifetime supply of dog food.

Folks, there you have it. Happiness, Tallness, Slimness, and Laser Vision Deflective-ness, all for the meagre price of 999 Taka (postage and handling additional). Is that too much? What do you have to lose? Order NOOOWWWW!

Fast blabber: SAUNA WATCH MIGHT CAUSE BLINDNESS AND DIARRHOEA LASER PENDANT MIGHT CAUSE OVERCONFIDENCE INFRONT OF LASERS AND HOCO POCO MIGHT CAUSE YOU TO COUGH OUT YOUR SPLEEN DURING DINNER MEETINGS SMELLY BRANDS NOT HELD RESPONSIBLE.

 

 
 

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