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Quick! Hide! The Babies are Coming!

By The Don Khan

If reading the above title has influenced you, dear reader, into questioning this writer's mental condition (and by extension, his employment status); well then he's glad to assure you that the hospital reports have returned normal. But this article is not here to discuss psychology, or even about a topic as remotely useless as global warming (yes, this writer and his peers do have sufficient evidence to declare that environmental issues are remotely USELESS topics for breaking ice between yourself and that cute girl who sits right next to you in Economics classes) - this piece aims to identify and aware the masses about an IMMINENT threat to mankind and its future- BABIES.

Look at 'em; just look at those little lumps of pinkish flesh with those big 'Chihuahuaesque” eyes! Don't they spell out the word EVIL to you in big, bold letters? Don't you, like this writer, get goose bumps when these creatures (as you will progress with this article, you will understand why babies should be referred to as creatures) meet other members of their species and converse in a language beyond your understanding? What are they really speaking? Are they talking about you? Do they hold answers to questions that have baffled philosophers through Time? (To answer the last question; of course they don't. We have China for that.)

Understand this: as a mature individual living in a (technically) democratic country, you are often (make that always) subject to occasions of tense debates where your say hardly matters; where even a slight word escaping your lips will be dutifully ignored (or in worst cases; held as 'beyadobi' for interrupting the self-proclaimed “grown-ups”). Then again, in order to escape one of these annoying situations you simply walk out of the room, and you are immediately called back in for more torture.

Now replace yourself with a baby in this situation. Assuming that the baby is only slightly human, it will be bored of such discussions itself. Babies have ZERO tolerance; they would prefer to cry their way out of such an ordeal rather than sit through one. And that's exactly what happens. Two seconds into the discussion; complete with the intensity building up… WA-AH! WA-AH! There you go! Screw the debate, the baby's crying! That's all that matters! Who cares whether the Russians were behind the Polish President's plane crash!? The baby is CRYING!

You might wish to object that this scenario isn't enough proof to conclude that babies are evil. Here's another one; your grandfather has come over to visit. For most, that is really good news. For the not-so-lucky ones like yours truly; that means breaking in to cater to the whims of a really grumpy septuagenarian for an entire week. NOTHING can impress this old timer and most definitely your plastic smile falters in front of his ice-cold stare. Then arrives the day when your aunt comes over with her several months-old blessing (read: creature) and gets it into your grandfather's arms. He fondly looks at it, and actually SMILES at it! But that's not enough- as a dramatic break into this sugar-sweet moment, the baby, um… targets your Dada's face for relieving itself. The audacity of that vile heathen infant! You ready yourself for the fireworks to explode over the geezer's head…

Surprise, surprise! His smile now breaks into joyful LAUGHTER! Amazed at this sudden change in a man who has long tormented two successive generations? Well, don't be! It's that darned little toothless grinning lump that you call your baby cousin who caused all of this. In fact, be patient and observe that little tyke for the next two years, i.e. by the time he gets his first tricycle and runs it over your Dada's left foot. He smiles, but dear reader, please note: HE HAS ARTHRITIS.

“The baby's a baby… he's supposed to behave like this at his age!” That's your indignant reply to this entire piece, right? But this is what this writer has to say: the baby is selling us out! It is exploiting our weakness towards uber-cute things (to show this writer is impartial, he'll admit babies are indeed the cutest things in the world but only meant to be eaten as steak before they take over us)… only to meet its own twisted demands like breaking the seal of your INTACT Hot Wheels carcase. Shed tears, dear reader; comprehend the pain that results in losing a loved one like an intact diecast metal car.

This writer hasn't even begun on how Barney the Purple Dinosaur affects babies' autocratic tendencies.

 


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