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Diary of a football

SO the streak ends. Every week since the day of being hired as the love consultant for the Rising Stars, I have enlightened your lives with incredibly perfect, and sometimes callous (but that's part of the Doctor's tough-love therapy) advice, which has helped you find solace in the misery that so comprises your life. I realise how thankful you are for your weekly dose of the Doctor but last week, Myself, the most gracious, did not deliver. I was willing, believe me. Any chance I get to help My minions, I do. But last week, as I said, I did not deliver. I'm sure you're all dying to know what happened.

I got into an altercation with one of the editors. He shall remain anonymous (Tareq). He started to tell me how I was being too insensitive with my articles. The audacity! That son of a…I will not stoop to his level, I will not curse him (dog). So I retaliated, saying many hurtful, yet truthful, things about him and his writing, and a fistfight broke out. (Is it really a fight if you know you're going to win and have your opponent handicapped in three seconds?) I had him pinned to the ground and Sabrina started yelling at both of us in song (“Can you feel the love tonight?”). None of us were. So I left for the week with Lady Lovelove, went off to Addis Ababa first, where My anorexic sister lives, picked her up and then went to Los Angeles, where My hom…o sapiens brother lives. (He's REALLY, REALLY happy.) Then off we went to the Lovelove family reunion, which was being held this time, to coincide with the opening week of the World Cup, in the heart of Atlantis (Sshh, Atlantis is owned by the Loveloves, it's a family secret.) I used Air Force One for all my travelling needs (Yes, Obama is My chamcha, another Lovelove secret. How else would a non-white president get elected?)

It was a sight to behold, with all of the Lovelove camp geared to watch the opening matches. So many beautiful people in one gathering is a rarity, I assure you. I do not like My family, for they do not live up to the grandness that I have so aspired to and have accomplished, but darn it We're good-looking. I Myself do not support any particular team because I find that each side is riddled with too many imperfections. It does not mesh well with the epitome of perfection that I am.

The environment is a weird one. Especially because everyone loves Me and I hate everyone (except for Lady Lovelove, of course). They continuously kept praising me (deserving as that maybe) and asking me which team I supported and I continuously kept brushing them off to canoodle with the Lady. It eventually turned very heated during the England and USA match in which everyone was for England. They call football soccer for crying out loud, why would anyone support a country who couldn't even copy a whole language right, with millions of spelling errors? It was frustrating to say the least, with Grandpa Lovelove eventually suggesting the draw as being 'worse than the holocaust' and one of my cousins eventually broke the TV in a fit of rage, hurling it at another cousin's pet orang-utan, W. The thing landed on his tail and severed it, and for a second there, the striking resemblance to a certain ex-President reminded us all of evolution.

The evening moved on but it was much more fun and quieter this time around. Mostly because the whole night was spent talking about how amazing I am and whether I should be entitled to a world citizenship. It was unanimously agreed that I should. It was then that I received two phone calls. One, from Obama, asking me if I could return the jet yet. (“Have you gotten rid of Guantanamo Bay yet?” He hung up.) The second one was from Tareq and Sabrina, begging me to come back and telling me how empty RS had become without my presence. I agreed, only after they offered Me a 214% raise, World Cup tickets for the whole family, and full rights over the Lifestyle models. Cha-ching! No, not you, my Chinese friend.

I know you missed me, but I'm back. Probably ruined the whole beginning of the World Cup for you. You can blame RS for that, as you always must. As for my prediction, which you have all been dying to know, it's going to be France. Why?

'Cause I said so. And you know that makes it right.

Problems, inquiries, endorsements and KMAs: dr.lovelove@live.com
Disclaimer: While the Doctor's views are humorous and fun to read, RS does not necessarily condone them.

Note from Tareq: He's only hating on me cause I is… Coloured.

By Dr. Lovelove


The week in re(ar)view

Sinking madmen
Land developers are mad (and angry too). They flipped over a draft that reserves 21 percent of the capital's land as water bodies where no development will be permitted. And they actually threatened State Minister for Housing Abdul Mannan Khan at a meeting on Dhaka development plans. The realtors complained the minister does not “see to their interests” which would presumably be to sell all available land and then buy villas for themselves in a country which will not sink.

Hot idea
On June 12, football fans vandalised several vehicles and blocked roads as power outages prevented them from watching World Cup matches. So if you want to avoid unruliness, avoid being comfortable. The Dhaka Metropolitan Police (DMP) suggests we turn air conditioners off in evening to ensure uninterrupted supply of electricity so people can watch World Cup football matches. If people do not comply, ACs will be shut down forcibly by cutting electricity. From today onward, this will always be used to define vicious circle.

Taxing tobacco
Government has, for the first time, imposed tariff on an export item by taxing export of raw tobacco. This is supposedly done to discourage cultivation of tobacco on farmland. Farm animals everywhere can now relax and light up a cigarette knowing their land remains for them.

Small cars are bad
If you want people to buy cars that are good for environment, make them buy smaller cars. Raising taxes on 1001cc to 1500cc cars doesn't help (taxes up from 30 to 45 percent in proposal). What's worse is taxes on 1501cc to 1650cc have been lowered from 100 percent to 45 percent. Hello bigger engines.

Tilting elsewhere
What happens in the city is copied in another city. Not to sound too alarmist, we've had buildings tilting all over Dhaka. While you panic and run about reading this article, also know that buildings are tilting in other cities also. A ten-storey building on Jessore upper road has been leaning to one side for the last one-year. Two have been tilting in Khulna while Khulna City Corporation (KCC) identified some 94 unsafe buildings.

Bangladesh Observer no longer observing
The Bangladesh Observer, the oldest English daily of the country, shut down June 8. It's long been troubled by squabbling among owners and employees demanding pay arrears. The daily was first published as The Pakistan Observer by Hamidul Haque Chowdhury in 1949. In 1952, the paper was banned for its stance in favour of the Language Movement.

Speed restriction
The HC on June 25 last year directed the government to install speed governor seals in all motor vehicles by June 30 this year. Turns out it can't be done that easily. So their next option is to install speed-monitoring devices in all motor vehicles. These GPS enabled devices may cost between Tk 10,000 and Tk 12,000, and a monthly service charge of around Tk 600. So who will pay for it? Don't look at us.

A simpler option would have been to introduce speed cameras or equip cops with radar guns to detect speed. A much cheaper alternative would be to stop repairing the roads like they do every 5 years before an election.

A game of 'Cops are Robbers'
There are thieving cops and then there are thieves that look like cops. In most case these are mutually inclusive. A house in Shirir Chala, Gazipur was robbed last week by a group dressed in cop clothes carrying walkie-talkies and handcuffs. The cash and valuables were shown to be on a seized list. So if cops come to your door, they may not be the police. So what do you do? Call the police?

By Mood Dude & Someone


RS Mailbox

Word on our last issue:

Wasif Lfg: Read the whole issue twice. I think this will make up for last week's boo-issue.
Rojin Ammar: Craved all my life for an issue like that. Anyway, I see that Alvi is the soccer maestro. Any music pundit amongst the newbies?

Quazi Abdullah Ibne Masud: That review on captain Tsubasa brings backs memories… By the way "the WAGs" article did not include captions on the pictures. Why?
Raiyan Rafiq: Wow! Great issue! Loved all the articles! Best was Sabrina's Fifa Tunes! Had to agree with it. I also liked how everyone wrote about the World Cup...and this was probably the best issue this year! It's all because of FIFA world cup

Rayaan Ibtesham Chowdhury: Rasul rocks!
Eradul Kabir: I liked the articles, even the point blank bias *cough* of some articles

Shamsil Kamal: Oi Rasul, you ROCK! And finally there was an issue, which earned my appreciation!
Imrul Islam: Great issue sans the Alvi Ahmed articles. The guy hates Beckham and Rooney. Let me guess, not an England fan right?

Zahra Mayeesha: This issue kicked butt! As usual Rasul rocked! I loved Sabrina's Fifa Tunes (I love K'naan too!) The RS Speaks thing was pretty good too. "Close To My Heart" by Teacher? Yay I know who the teacher is! You ROCK R**** Miss! Anyway, way to go RS! Keep it up with the good work
Urshia Rahman: It was a good issue. Great cover and yes, looking forward to the new team. Hope they bring something new to entertain me and others.

Mursalin Rahman: The Rising Stars is such a publication of The Daily Star that it influences its readers the most. I missed the last edition of the same and its pinching me even today. I wont be able to get calm without getting it in my hands next Thursday.
Shams Quader: WOW! What an issue! Fifa Tunes 2010 is an excellent read, and the WAGS article is hilarious...

Umama Akhtar Turna: Really cool issue… All the articles were wonderful. I really got to know a lot about football from this issue. The new writers seem to be cool… Btw, where the hell is Dr. Lovelove?! Don't say he's gone from RS forever!
El Kun: Nice job, I loved it. Especially the alternate life of footballers thing. And the centrefold was great - hats off to Kokoro Chan (for choosing Tsubasa) and Osama (for keeping up the Midas touch because we all love WAGs). I liked Sabrina's tunes review and Rasul's "Balls" (no pun intended) article. Babu was good, and so was "...Close to my heart" by A Teacher.

From the RS Desk
Last week, the team shared its thoughts about the World Cup. Now it's your turn. Tell us which team you think will clinch the trophy this year.

Send us your thoughts, feedback, questions and comments to ds.risingstars@gmail.com
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