Diary of a football
SO the streak ends. Every week since the day of being hired as the love consultant for the Rising Stars, I have enlightened your lives with incredibly perfect, and sometimes callous (but that's part of the Doctor's tough-love therapy) advice, which has helped you find solace in the misery that so comprises your life. I realise how thankful you are for your weekly dose of the Doctor but last week, Myself, the most gracious, did not deliver. I was willing, believe me. Any chance I get to help My minions, I do. But last week, as I said, I did not deliver. I'm sure you're all dying to know what happened.
I got into an altercation with one of the editors. He shall remain anonymous (Tareq). He started to tell me how I was being too insensitive with my articles. The audacity! That son of a…I will not stoop to his level, I will not curse him (dog). So I retaliated, saying many hurtful, yet truthful, things about him and his writing, and a fistfight broke out. (Is it really a fight if you know you're going to win and have your opponent handicapped in three seconds?) I had him pinned to the ground and Sabrina started yelling at both of us in song (“Can you feel the love tonight?”). None of us were. So I left for the week with Lady Lovelove, went off to Addis Ababa first, where My anorexic sister lives, picked her up and then went to Los Angeles, where My hom…o sapiens brother lives. (He's REALLY, REALLY happy.) Then off we went to the Lovelove family reunion, which was being held this time, to coincide with the opening week of the World Cup, in the heart of Atlantis (Sshh, Atlantis is owned by the Loveloves, it's a family secret.) I used Air Force One for all my travelling needs (Yes, Obama is My chamcha, another Lovelove secret. How else would a non-white president get elected?)
It was a sight to behold, with all of the Lovelove camp geared to watch the opening matches. So many beautiful people in one gathering is a rarity, I assure you. I do not like My family, for they do not live up to the grandness that I have so aspired to and have accomplished, but darn it We're good-looking. I Myself do not support any particular team because I find that each side is riddled with too many imperfections. It does not mesh well with the epitome of perfection that I am.
The environment is a weird one. Especially because everyone loves Me and I hate everyone (except for Lady Lovelove, of course). They continuously kept praising me (deserving as that maybe) and asking me which team I supported and I continuously kept brushing them off to canoodle with the Lady. It eventually turned very heated during the England and USA match in which everyone was for England. They call football soccer for crying out loud, why would anyone support a country who couldn't even copy a whole language right, with millions of spelling errors? It was frustrating to say the least, with Grandpa Lovelove eventually suggesting the draw as being 'worse than the holocaust' and one of my cousins eventually broke the TV in a fit of rage, hurling it at another cousin's pet orang-utan, W. The thing landed on his tail and severed it, and for a second there, the striking resemblance to a certain ex-President reminded us all of evolution.
The evening moved on but it was much more fun and quieter this time around. Mostly because the whole night was spent talking about how amazing I am and whether I should be entitled to a world citizenship. It was unanimously agreed that I should. It was then that I received two phone calls. One, from Obama, asking me if I could return the jet yet. (“Have you gotten rid of Guantanamo Bay yet?” He hung up.) The second one was from Tareq and Sabrina, begging me to come back and telling me how empty RS had become without my presence. I agreed, only after they offered Me a 214% raise, World Cup tickets for the whole family, and full rights over the Lifestyle models. Cha-ching! No, not you, my Chinese friend.
I know you missed me, but I'm back. Probably ruined the whole beginning of the World Cup for you. You can blame RS for that, as you always must. As for my prediction, which you have all been dying to know, it's going to be France. Why?
'Cause I said so. And you know that makes it right.
Problems, inquiries, endorsements and KMAs: firstname.lastname@example.org
By Dr. Lovelove
The week in re(ar)view
Small cars are bad
Bangladesh Observer no longer observing
A simpler option would have been to introduce speed cameras or equip cops with radar guns to detect speed. A much cheaper alternative would be to stop repairing the roads like they do every 5 years before an election.
A game of 'Cops are Robbers'
By Mood Dude & Someone
Word on our last issue:
Wasif Lfg: Read the whole issue twice. I think this will make up for last week's boo-issue.
Quazi Abdullah Ibne Masud: That review on captain Tsubasa brings backs memories… By the way "the WAGs" article did not include captions on the pictures. Why?
Rayaan Ibtesham Chowdhury: Rasul rocks!
Shamsil Kamal: Oi Rasul, you ROCK! And finally there was an issue, which earned my appreciation!
Zahra Mayeesha: This issue kicked butt! As usual Rasul rocked! I loved Sabrina's Fifa Tunes (I love K'naan too!) The RS Speaks thing was pretty good too. "Close To My Heart" by Teacher? Yay I know who the teacher is! You ROCK R**** Miss! Anyway, way to go RS! Keep it up with the good work
Mursalin Rahman: The Rising Stars is such a publication of The Daily Star that it influences its readers the most. I missed the last edition of the same and its pinching me even today. I wont be able to get calm without getting it in my hands next Thursday.
Umama Akhtar Turna: Really cool issue… All the articles were wonderful. I really got to know a lot about football from this issue. The new writers seem to be cool… Btw, where the hell is Dr. Lovelove?! Don't say he's gone from RS forever!
From the RS Desk
Send us your thoughts, feedback, questions and comments to email@example.com
| Issues | The Daily Star Home
© 2010 The Daily Star