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Buffalo in the living room?

Who does not dream of having a cutie pie like a kitten or a silky pooch ready to jump onto their laps the moment they enter their home after a tiring day? Yes, pets are adorable creatures that carve out a nice niche in our hearts by their sheer behaviour and selflessness.

They are altruistic, they are highly devoted and they usually look better than your human friend's acne infested face. But then again, if you have never given a thought as to how useless and resource hungry these animals are, you probably need floss for your plaque-infested brain.

Farty Brutes
Speaking of usefulness and worth, what fares better than cows and buffalos in the biggest pet market of the country (Gabtoli that is)?

Having taken a look at the statistics of the last few years price curve of cows and buffaloes in the cattle markets, I assure you, this is one investment that will not go wrong. Given that they can only climb stairs up, and not down, you can rest assured that once you can manage to take one up to your living room, nobody can kick it out.

Even if you cannot stand the thought of cleaning fertilisers off your living room carpet, think about the greater good it could do, such as providing milk and umm ... fertilisers! And if you fail in your attempt to make your parents understand its magnificence, the only thing they can do is either to cook it, or to turn it into kabab; which is good for you too.

Trust me, this is the only pet in the world that is actually an investment and on top of it, has no depreciation. If you ask me, I would recommend these four legged animals over two legged flamingoes; which also is a good source for bio-gas and stink more than cows.

Black Bengal Goats and Biters that bite
According to a very old government publication, there can be no better pet than a silly looking goat. Yes, we agree that they are as brainless as your economics teacher; but we must also admit that they are useful animals.

Goats eat almost anything and everything; so you need not worry about eating the mishti kumrar sandwich that your mom keeps hiding among the chicken sandwiches for breakfast. They are also very small and brainless, so you will be able to carry them in your car without worrying about them sticking their heads out like dogs. Over everything else is the fact that they fare well in the cattle markets and that they would surely make you different in your friend circle.

It seems that the government officials did their homework before declaring them the best, even though people might say that they were actually trying to provide extra care for their mastuto brothers.

We however think otherwise; goats do not bite, and neither can they chase, making them bad saviours. You need something that can bite, eat up result cards without leaving a trace, and look menacing unless you have your sister put makeup on it.

And what better option is there than our good ol' Piranha?

Even though I have doubts as to whether your sister will be able to put makeup on them, piranhas are actually a good option for a pet. They are portable, they are vicious, and they are the dream come true for economics students (no depreciation). You do not even need to provide food for them; just ask your brother whether or not he wants "Frankenstein hands", and before he can reply, dip his hand into the aquarium and watch the show.

They are available in your nearest kitchen market, so you need not venture far out. Disposing them is as easy as buying them too, just fry them and invite a few neighbours.

Six legs and above
If you have never had the opportunity to slip in a few ants into your pestering sib's pant, consider your life only half spent. After buffaloes and cows, ants and spiders are the next big investments you could ever make.

Don't like the kochushak or the shutki on the table? Sneak out, get a spider, and put it in the plate; and kaboom, you have made history; the first child in history who hasn't been forced to eat kochushak. If that is not a way-too-cool pet, then cats are just silly animals that jump at mirrors in YouTube videos.

So, which pet are you getting?

By Eshpelin Mishtak


Book Review

The A.B.C. Murders

OF all the characters created by the Queen of Crime, Agatha Christie, her little Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot is most intriguing. In the ABC murders, Poirot is apparently challenged by the most unlikely criminal he can expect - a serial killer. This is primarily because Christie by now has established Poirot as psychological detective who proceeds not by a painstaking examination of the crime scene, but by enquiring either into the nature of the victim or the psychology of the murderer. Central to Poirot's behaviour in the later novels is the underlying assumption that particular crimes are only committed by particular types of people. Can Christie's cerebral detective then decipher the abnormal psychology of a serial killer? Or is this the litmus test that can finally reveal the glitch in Poirot's modus operandi?

The story starts with a serial killer murdering apparently random people in order of their names: first Alice Ascher of Andover, second Betty Barnard of Bexhill-on-Sea, third Sir Carmichael Clarke of Churston. The killer sends a letter to Hercule Poirot before each murder, telling him where and when each murder will take place, but Poirot and the police always arrive too late (The third letter actually arrives on the very day of the murder, having been delayed due to the address being written incorrectly). The killer signs himself 'ABC' and at the place of each murder, leaves an ABC Railway Guide next to the body.

Poirot and the police are baffled until a series of clues lead them to suspect the murderer is travelling as a stocking salesman. Then the 'D' murder in Doncaster goes awry - the wrong person is killed in a cinema, although there is someone with the initial 'D' sitting close by. The characteristics of the murderer as revealed by the murders are quite baffling. The murderer proves himself to be a magnanimous soul - he doesn't attempt to shift the guilt of his actions on someone else. By informing Poirot and in the process the police about the murders beforehand he showcases his desire to be a maverick; someone who thrives on the opportunity to outfox Poirot, right in front of the watchful eyes of the law enforcers. The murderer's penchant for order is illustrated by the alphabetical order of his victim's name, place of residence and finally the presence of ABC Railway Guides.

Then, a stocking salesman called Alexander Bonaparte Cust walks into a police station and surrenders himself as the murderer.

The case seems closed, but although Cust has confessed to the crimes, he claims not to have heard of Hercule Poirot and cannot explain the letters, although they were written on his typewriter. Furthermore, a man is able to provide an alibi for Cust when he was meant to be murdering Betty. Poirot cannot superimpose the image of methodical mind of the murderer he had already configured, on the perplexed and epileptic Cust, who only believes he committed the murders due to the overwhelming number of clues pointing at him. Can the famous sleuth finally untangle the imbroglio his intelligent challenger has concocted with artistic intricacy? The ending beckons the use of the “little grey cells” both on part of the reader and Poirot.

By Nayeem Islam
(Source: en.wikipedia.org)


Gaming Strides

Gaming once used to be associated with geeks mostly. It still is, and we have proof.

When Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty came out a few days ago, it sold 1.5 million copies in 48 hours. That's a lot of geeks rushing into stores to buy a game only geeks would play. (Starcraft 2=major WIN BTW). Admit it, the only games “normal” people would play includes FIFA, Halo, Grand Theft Auto, and Need for Speed. Massively fun strategy games about aliens and humans with a complicated storyline tend to be ignored by this group of “gamers”.

Nonetheless, gaming has made astounding strides in the past couple of years. In terms of sales, the gaming industry has never been in a better position. Graphics are getting ever more realistic and developers are constantly finding new ways of giving teenagers a washed out look because they stayed indoors for too long. Interestingly though, gaming has affected the lives of people in real life in ways never thought of before.

Last week, a couple of gamers were enjoying the new StarCraft game when several masked men held up the gaming and internet café (in Hawaii), demanding they hand over the cash and all the game consoles. The gamers apparently fought back, returning one punch after taking five each time. When one kid was ordered to hand over his Nintendo DS, he went into combo mode, simultaneously kicking, punching, and bull rushing the perp out the door. Guess all that time spent mashing buttons in Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat paid off.

In Germany, a game called Piss Screen was devised to help prevent drunk driving. Monitor screens were installed over urinals in a nightclub with sensors installed in the urinals themselves. The user of the urinal would be automatically entered into a driving game when he urinates, using his pee to direct the motion of the Mercedes on screen. If the user crashes the car, an alert is sent to a bouncer, who calls a cab and escorts the person out safely. A very effective way to prevent drunk people killing themselves, don't you think? I want one in my toilet, that's for sure. Now if only they could devise such an instrument for our better halves.

It's not all violence or drunkenness either. One obese gamer decided he wanted to have a physique like his avatar in World of Warcraft. He wouldn't give up gaming to go to the gym obviously, so he decided to strap his keyboard onto an exercise bike and pedal away while playing. Over three months, the man pedaled for 100 hours and lost 41 pounds. He named his technique "warbiking".

Driving game fanatics will be jumping up and down after this next bit of info. Gran Turismo creators Polyphony Digital and Sony Entertainment launched GT Academy in late 2009, which aim to take the fastest drivers in the game and put them in real race cars on real tracks. The fastest driver went on to race a Nissan 350Z at a 24 hour endurance race in Dubai last year. Since the academy has strict health and safety regulations, the fat kids shouldn't think about applying.

We can't always ensure that the results of playing games are going to be good. For all we know, some mass murdering psycho could be playing GTA during the day and killing defenseless old ladies at other times. What we can say, though, is gaming has opened up a new and exciting chapter in our lives in recent years and the real gamers out there are loving it.

By Shaer Duita Fish Reaz

 

 
 

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