Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home

 

 

 

 

 

Illegal to Write?

THIS just in, the Government of a democratic nation has shut down all educational institutions to reduce traffic congestions in major cities across the country. Wait, just when you thought the national budget has allocated more government spending in the education sector, they would just close down schools to facilitate the “elite” community's shopping bonanza? You'd think of all the things that one can do to reduce traffic, such as increasing taxes on imported vehicles and supposedly introducing school buses to decrease the number of private cars one would just pick the most irrational thing and turn it into a passable strategy?

Some people never cease to bemuse us.

On other news, the Government has released a thousand prisoners sentenced to life to create more space in the prison cells. Did I read that correctly? Like overpopulation isn't already a problem both inside and outside prison. So, instead of applying contraceptives or decentralising you'd think the best way to deal with too many people in one place is letting go of those who have served a life sentence (only it's no longer “to life”) and flood the streets?

Someone wrote on Facebook - let the children stay at home and prisoners out on the streets!

It's fascinating how the central authority of a country comes up with the most ridiculous of policies. With power, it would seem they've become blind to the obvious and come up with extraordinary plans. You might think it's probably just here, in your country where irrationality supersedes - but you'd be surprisingly proven wrong.

My favorite is Switzerland. The law forbids people to flush the toilet after 10 PM. WHAT? So, in case of a very natural biological emergency that may - God forbid - occur after ten o'clock at night, you'd just leave the toilet… and the things... and... now, now let's not let our imaginations bounce and dance.

The Metropolitan Streets Act of 1867 at the United Kingdom states that no cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police. I honestly get that, knowing the number of goats and chickens that die on the deshi front courtesy of lunatic drivers in their speeding cars! Imagine driving your Rolls Royce into a cow. Not that there's much difference between the two - but that's beside the point. The chicken should have never crossed the road!

Yours truly is not exactly a very comic writer. Otherwise, this piece would have been comical. It's just utter shock. Why on Earth would someone do this to their own kind and those kinds that resemble very much their own kind? Why can't one poop whenever they want to, shop on all days of the week instead of scurrying and timing their choice of location for each day and frown at a police officer? (In New Jersey, it is illegal to “frown” at a police officer). Why can't cows cross the road? It's like the time Bush came to India and went to the Zoo, only to find the monkeys inside the cells were more intellegent than the monkeys outside (also known as “the elite group”).

Blasphemy, huh?
Sources: Dumblaws.com

By Holy Babble


The Aftermath

“Itried so hard, and got so far. In the end, it doesn't even matter.” In The End, by Linkin Park

Pass, fail, mediocre, brilliant. For the normal student population, there aren't even four types of results, just two. All A's, or not.

Let's have a presentation of reactions to… your results.

Exhibit A The friends
For those who passed (aka scored all A's), you high-five others like you and squeal till your own ears ring. Congratulations are in order, and you can't help but wait for them to say it back. Next they ask for your marks, just to compare. In most cases, they score higher than you do. Doesn't matter you got all A's anymore, somehow your mood just manages to drop through the floor instantly, until you wish those people huddling in the corner (whom the gods didn't favour) would let you join them.

For those who didn't, you're forced to wish your counterparts a happy life, even if you'd rather they burned in the pits of hell for all eternity and/or got hit by a bus on their way home. Then you proceed to gather your fellow screw-ups, move to the larger half of the room, and share tales of exactly why you didn't pass. Soon, you realise that it wasn't because you didn't study, no, but it was Fate and you'll one day move on to do greater things than those wannabe Einsteins.

Oh, and if someone starts gleefully talking about the 'aftermath' of the 'math' results, go ahead and punch him in the face.

Exhibit B The father
If you didn't pass, here's the part you've been dreading: going home. You didn't bring a cell phone so you can't call, but the school's gonna close sometime, and they don't care about your sprained ankle, they just want you out. You could wander around Dhanmondi Lake, but eventually you run out of money and get hungry. You ring the bell, and wait. Maybe your mom will get the door, but if luck had favoured you that B wouldn't be in sight right now. Your dad opens the door, lays eyes upon your miserable form, and shuts it in your face. Blame that genius who got all A's and called to see how you were doing.

House arrest is in order. After you beg your way in of course.

If you passed, there are the initial congratulations, a bunch of money (which you'll have to ask for, since fathers are all kipta), and 'the talk'. Your future lies before you, and this is what he wants you to do about it. You wanted to study engineering? Pft! You'll be a lawyer!

Suddenly you wish you'd gotten a B.

Exhibit C The mother
Hugs, kisses, and happiness. Just makes you feel good about yourself to have brought that glow to her face. She hammers your dad into going out and getting sweets, and you savour the feeling of watching him being bossed around, as well as the relief of being saved from 'the talk'. Everything she's dreamed of you doing since you were a baby (yes, she's been planning your demise since before you could walk) are gushing out; how she knew you were the smartest little critter in a million mile radius, and oh, by the way, how did your friends do? She knew the boy who always wore ripped jeans was a bad influence!

Engineering? What? She can already see you in your pearly-white doctor's coat.

For those not as lucky, there are tears. There's nothing that makes you feel as bad as making your mother cry. When the relatives call and she tells them the news, you wish the ground would swallow you up. And finally, she decides your punishment is… no food, because eat and sleep is all you ever do. Well, how did your friends do? Why can't you be more like that nice, lovely girl? You can see in that girl's smartness how well she'll do in life. And she knew the boy who always wore ripped jeans was a bad influence!

Exhibit D The relatives
Finally, you all can sympathise with each other. They show up, invited or not, with their kid, who got 14 A's in her O'levels and 6 in her A'levels, and ask for your percentages. Whatever happened to family sticking together, through the good and the bad?

And why is school closed?!

By Professor Spork


Underground Game Fest '10

SIMPLY mentioning professional gamers and their considerable income is not enough to keep parents off our backs. The WCG doesn't happen often enough. Parents need to be convinced that games can be just as worthwhile as actual sports. Hence we need more tournaments.

With just that outlook, Sheehan Rahman, together with his friends, organised the Underground Game Fest 2010 as a two day event on August 14th and 15th. It was basically a Fifa '10 tournament on Xbox 360s. The matches were entertaining to say the least, with many of them going down to the wire. In one instance, where both opponents chose Brazil, the game swung this way and that until finally settling on an ironic 3-3 draw. In another match, where fate pitted two of the main organisers Fayruz Ahsan and Sheehan against each other, to the hilarity of the watchers the game produced eight shots that hit the bar with none of them going in.

When asked about the choice of Xbox 360 as the console of choice, Sheehan, who won in the 1vs1 mode before being clobbered in a humiliating 6-1 defeat in the 2vs2 final, said, “Xbox offers a much better multiplayer experience than PC, at least in terms of Fifa. No matter what console you are used to, you can set the control to suit yourself.”

The 2vs2 mode matchup was won by Razin and Nabil. Nehal became runners up in the 1vs1 mode. Other gamers such as Sunny, Magfur, Muntasir and Shafi also left their mark on the tournament; Muntasir in particular did wonderful work with Valencia. Shams-Irad and Sidrat-Niaj also performed well in the 2vs2 mode.

“This is just a test run,” Sheehan informed us. “We're planning to host a bigger tournament next time, in a bigger venue with the possible additions of LAN and various other games such as Call of Duty. We're also looking to host it at least twice a year, so that gamers can keep themselves in practice.”

By Kazim Ibn Sadique

 


 

home | Issues | The Daily Star Home

2010 The Daily Star