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The week in re(ar)view

Cow conspiracy
Anthrax is a respiratory disease causing acute problems throughout these two weeks for cows and more importantly for people wanting to eat cows. Sufferers can end up fatally dead but treatment and vaccines are available. Health Minister AFM Ruhul Huq and Livestock Resources Minister Abdul Latif Biswas claimed there is nothing to worry about the anthrax in Sirajganj and Pabna districts.

Also, anthrax does not spread from person to person. The health minister suggested that cattle dead from anthrax should be buried immediately. This we believe takes care of underground rodents and worms. He said vaccines are being given to the affected cows and goats in Sirajganj and Pabna districts. We say vaccines are given BEFORE infection. More than 100 people have been affected by anthrax.

On a related note, meat, allegedly of cattle that are sold out and slaughtered after getting infected with different diseases are smuggled in from India and sold at almost half price. Chicken anyone?

An alternate theory
Bangladesh has been ranked 88th among the 100 countries in the first-ever list of the world's best countries prepared by international news magazine Newsweek, in its latest issue. Five categories of national well-being included education, health, quality of life, economic competitiveness and political environment across the 100 nations. Bangladesh's position is one rank up from Pakistan (89th) with India at 78th. Turns out scientists have created a portal to travel to parallel universes and this survey has fallen in through from an alternate Earth.

Gaseous problems
Federation of Bangladesh Chambers of Commerce & Industry (FBCCI) President AK Azad on 28 August suggested government stop gas supply to CNG stations and new household consumers. Leave the gas only for industries.

Recognising the suggestion, the Finance Minister agreed saying motor vehicles are consuming gas at too low a price. They forget that gas was provided so people use less of petroleum keeping import costs down and environment clean. What about new household consumers? Maybe they can cut more trees down for firewood. Oh wait, we don't have trees. We have to import plastic ones from China.

Buses on water
A water bus isn't a Dhaka-Chittagong vehicle that fell into the water. It's a boat. And it's a new service that began on August 28 ferrying passengers from Gabtoli to Sadarghat. Experts say during the rainy season, waterbuses would find it difficult to pass under the Basila Bridge. But Golam Mostafa Kamal, Bangladesh Inland Water Transport Corporation (BIWTC) chairman denied the claim. Let's wait for more rain.

Each waterbus with 35 seats cost Tk 55.75 lakh and will be using 28 litres of fuel to move at a maximum speed of 22.8 kilometres per hour, a statement from BIWTC said.

By Mood Dude & Someone


Flunked

SO you flunked your 'O' Levels or 'A' Levels: big deal. People flunk, not like we don't have rich parents with inheritable businesses that we can run eventually.

So what are these mothers/ fathers /guardians/irritablebowelsyndromes being so uptight about? It's just a U. For some of you, it may even be an E. So? They should be thankful we passed and not be breathing down our necks hollering at us for wasting their money.

“We don't need to study, do we? Look at all the money you've got, the cars and the Baridhara apartment we're living in. I'll get all this eventually. And you didn't even complete your HSC and that SSC you DO have is from a Bengali medium school. Pffft. Lecturing us like you're better than us.” We want to say that, but we never can. Because they, with all their hotheaded righteousness, fail to see the unerring logic in that. Parents, they never understand do they?

Again: so you failed this time around and your folks are taking away your PS3 privileges and not buying you that new Fielder or that thirteen-thousand-taka shalwar kameez from Vasavi you've been pining after for so long. Waiting three whole days to finish that last level of God of War 3 really is a pain, isn't it? A week before you can wear short skirts and go to that midnight binging party at Radisson? Outrageous! Takes them so long to cave to our demands nowadays.

What do we do then? We take advantage of their Generation Y experience, of course. We, with our immense Generation X knowledge, turn that frown upside down. No, I don't mean drawing a line across that U and flipping your monitor upside down. They're not that dumb. There are cleverer ways of leeching off of your parents and cutting that waiting period to zero, nil, zilch.

The simplest solution: lie. You do that often enough when you're going out to see that boyfriend of yours at Dominous (sic) Pizza or telling them about the car you totalled while trying to drag through the vacant (almost) streets of Uttara. Tell them you got a B or C, and they'll probably buy it. We're just innocent kids, we don't have the audacity to lie to our parents. Chhi chhi!

But if that doesn't work, with parents a little cleverer and a little more sceptical, there's a better way. This is where the alleged 'experience' comes into play. What do I mean by Generation Y and X experience? Technology, what else? They don't know how to use that Alienware laptop imported from United States of freakin' America. You go to the website where your results have been published, and then save the webpage (File>Save As). Now, open it with Microsoft Word, and then voilà! You can edit anything you want now. How absolutely brilliant. Change the grade and mark to something believable and then save the document. Remember, when showing them, you must open it with an Internet browser, not Microsoft Word. Makes it more realistic, and plus, safer. Never know what they know, do you? When your parents want to see the grade, just open up that document and there you go: “Oh, my sweet child! I'm so proud of you. Let's all go to Italy to celebrate!”

To be remembered: The grade and mark must be compatible. You can't change the grade to a C and leave that 17/100 hanging beside it. And more importantly, you'll get a hard copy of your grade in your mail soon enough. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's this greenish-blue rectangular piece of paper which has all your grades and marks in it. You must not let that reach your parents' hands. Go to the darwan and pay him a few hundred bucks so that anything with your name on it is immediately delivered to you. That should put the cherry on top of your master plan.

As for the unfortunate ones with parents who actually DO have some X experience, you're completely flunked. You can try using the methods mentioned above and sneak past them. Just hope they trust you enough to not check your results out for themselves. And the lucky ones with HSC parents, enjoy!

N.B.: This is a humour piece. No offence should be taken by Bengali medium students, parents/IBS, teachers and conservative grandparents.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the writer's own and Rising Stars in no way condones them nor does it support the methods printed in this article.

By S. N. Rasul


Art of Deception

Ican easily bet that everyone reading this article hasn't gone a single day in his or her lives without lying at least twice. If I am wrong let me be struck by lightning this instant. Guess what guys, nothing happened so I must be telling the truth. Anyways, lying is a form of art and mastering this particular art is no easy feat. So here are a few pointers that you should always keep in mind before lying.

Nervous? - The worst thing to do while lying is to get nervous. Unless you are a very good actor, avoid direct eye contact with the person you are lying to. Pretend to keep yourself busy by pouring yourself a glass of water or something while lying. This creates a distraction; makes you look calm and can sometimes even give you time to think. Blinking repeatedly, quick eye movements and touching of the face denotes lying. Avoid them at all costs and most importantly just stay calm.

Fidgeting - There’s a saying that nobody looks as nervous as somebody trying not to. While lying, try not to think of your surroundings too much, all your thinking should be spent in making your lie believable. If you start thinking about your surroundings too much, you will start to fiddle with your clothes, scratch yourself more than usual, play with objects around you, these are rookie mistakes people make a lot when they lie. Make sure you don't.

Smile - Everybody loves a smile. Despite the image of the "grinning liar" studies show that people tend to smile more when they are telling the truth (now you know why our politicians never smile). But remember, don't over sell it. Smiling too much is also a sign of nervousness and frankly people just look creepy when they smile too much.

Cover ups - When you get caught lying, what do you do? Do you run for your life? Do you stare blankly into the sky? Or do you tell the truth? Option one and two can be used but option three can never be used. Telling the truth is the coward's way out. Real men stick with their lies till the very end. So when you get caught lying, the first thing to remember to do is to stay calm. Pretend you don't know what the person who caught you lying is talking about. Your acting skills are vital in this situation (now you know why actors are the biggest liars). The second thing to do is to think of a good cover up as fast as possible. If you can't think of anything, create a diversion of some sort and buy yourself some time to think. Once you have your cover up, try and make them very believable by supporting them very confidently. Confidence is the key in this situation and once again you have to depend on your acting skills. If that doesn't work, try and change the subject or just run for it. But under no circumstances admit that you have lied.

Before finishing off this article let me give you a piece of advice, when you think somebody is lying, they probably are.

NB: Keep a notebook of all your lies, just so that you keep track of what you are saying to who.

Reference: Google.

Disclaimer: The writer's views are his own.

By Alvi Ahmed

 

 

 


 
 

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