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What's In A Name…

Seriously, what is in a name? A name is not a person; it's just something to call him/her with. Our names don't determine who we are. When parents name their kid 'Potol' or 'Boltu', it's not like they really have images of vegetables or mechanical screws popping up in their heads at the very sight of the newborn: it's a show of affection, just the weirdest of its kind that is. Therefore, there's absolutely nothing wrong with naming a fat guy 'Shutki-Kumar', a frail person 'John Cena', a Chihuahua 'Cerberus' or your grandmother 'Lady Gaga'…

Oh who are we kidding, EVERYTHING'S in a name! You don't call a Chihuahua 'Cerberus', the poor three-headed dog would roll in its grave out of colossal humiliation. It's like calling Cupid 'Modon' ('Modon' means the god of Love): the diaper-less guy would kill himself, surely, and we'd probably have no more Valentine's Days. And as for the kid named 'Potol', he'd probably come face to face with the most surreal event of his life after consuming his very first veggie 'Potol' and screaming, “Mama, I just ate myself!!”

Dear God, help us.
This is no joking matter, names are important. No, they are very, very important. And even though many 'responsible adults' don't realise the importance of a matter as, um, important as this, some people in this day and age still do. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we proudly introduce to you our diligent and talented cloth-merchants who succeeded in naming dresses, every single one of them, for the craziest yearly phenomenon of the country that is the Eid Bazaar (more like Eid Bizarre). Everyone has the right to a name and they probably thought, “Dressrao manush”, how nice of them, and embarked on a holy naming spree or something. The only problem is, however, they ended up naming them funny.

We all know that the market is currently flooded with Indian clothes. And Indians have a weird habit of wearing their celebrities. Therefore, their dresses are called 'Katrina', 'Sohana', 'Shahrukh Khan', 'Hrittik Roshan' etc. etc. The notion isn't that bad altogether; I mean we'd love to own 'Salma Hayek's and 'Brad Pitt's, just the thought would set us on fire. But the weirdest of the ensemble is probably the 'Masakkali', a descendant of the Godforsaken movie 'Delhi 6'. Now, 'Masakkali' was actually a pigeon in the movie. So wearing a 'Masakkali' would literally mean wearing a freaking bird. Is that some serious level of twisted animal-love or what? Funny why the dress has no feathers, though.

Moving on, we have the gent's attire 'My Name Is Khan'. This writer actually had the fortunes of spotting a seriously pissed off kid who, upon being forced to buy one of these, was heard screaming, “My name is Sadat Shafqat Murtoza, why the hell would I wear something called a Khan?? I didn't even like the stupid movie!” Understandable, little one, really understandable.

The ladies have a certain sort of dress this year that goes by the name of 'Octopus', owing to its strange octopus-like designs which this writer failed to fathom completely despite countless lectures and demonstrations from the salesman… and then the guy got pissed in the end. But seriously, what is this supposed to be, a tribute to Paul? Didn't Dr. Lovelove kill him three times over already? Is he back from the Dead to haunt the shopping malls of Bangladesh out of vengeance? Hmm…

Last but not the least, the cherry on the cake, we have 'Shakira Waka Waka': a goofily designed, heavily sequined salwar-kamiz-dupatta that comes in many colours, mostly pink. The dress looks like a modified descendant of the 'Anarkoli' fame, something Mughal era princesses and Baijees would wear, NOT Shakira. Would Shakira ever wear non-exposing dresses like a salwar-kamiz? No. Would people like to see a Shakira in non-exposing salwar-kamiz? NO! Just try imagining her in a frock and salwar, waving a dupatta, dancing 'Hips Don't Lie'… On second thought, don't imagine that. It'd break your heart.

that comes in many colours, mostly pink. The dress looks like a modified descendant of the 'Anarkoli' fame, something Mughal era princesses and Baijees would wear, NOT Shakira. Would Shakira ever wear non-exposing dresses like a salwar-kamiz? No. Would people like to see a Shakira in non-exposing salwar-kamiz? NO! Just try imagining her in a frock and salwar, waving a dupatta, dancing 'Hips Don't Lie'… On second thought, don't imagine that. It'd break your heart.

As for my grandmother, yours truly didn't name her 'Lady Gaga', she kind of christened herself out of, er, respect. She said she liked the guts on the woman. No comments regarding that, but this writer is planning on buying her a 'Shakira Waka Waka' for this Eid. Think it's gonna look fabulous on her.

Eid Mubarak everybody.

By Kokoro-chan


Get Rich Quick: The Eid Edition

Six certified ways to bag and keep the dough. Let's get to business.

Tactic 1: The early bird catches the worm
Or in this case, the cash. The faster you get in line, the more dough you're gonna get. Most of your cousins will begin after the namaaz. Start before. Be sure to tell your great-aunt how she's the one you wanted to give your first Eid salaam to. Repeat with your great-uncle.

Warning: Ensure no one catches you lying repeatedly, especially not the ones you're lying to, or your next Eid bonus may be cut off. If anyone else notices, label a small bottle 'Chloroform' and fill it with rose water as a diversionary tactic.

Tactic 2: The Art of Flattery
Remember to give your mother an extra hug and tell her the pearls set up a perfect contrast with her sari. Your aunt will appear absolutely radiant this morning, and she looks so lovely without makeup! The uncles will always be wearing the trendiest panjabis that are totally 'in' right now. Even if they realise what you're doing, the most they'll be is amused. It could work out to your advantage.

Warning: There are no drawbacks from the people you're flattering (unless you're one of those guys who can't tell the difference between flattery and insult), but if the snot-nosed brats figure it out they'll copy you. You must not be caught smacking children on Eid.

Tactic 3: The Jaden Chris Smith Way
Think back to 'The Pursuit of Happiness'. Done right, this tactic is guaranteed to work on any elderly person and bring in more cash than you hoped for. Practice those chibi expressions in front of the mirror. Hire a sibling/cousin to tell you if you're doing it right. The child should be old enough to understand what to do but young enough to not expect a percentage of your earnings.

Warning: Remember to give the kid a small bribe to keep their mouth zipped. Don't mess up and smile for a mere 20 taka. Since they're not your own expressions, it could happen.

Tactic 4: Protection Program
Kids younger than you will seek you out. Older bhaiyas may also seek you out. Both will be looking for your wallet. They will try to obtain it in every possible way: coercion, flattery, whining, hitting, anything. Obtain protection from adults by pretending to help them work. You'll earn rewards too.

Warning: If by any chance you're stranded and they're closing in on you, don't hesitate to discard your overrated pride and run to your mother.

Tactic 5: Grandparents' Little Helper
The thing is, most of the time they have allotted money for each grandchild. But if you get to them first and take a place by their side as a humble helper for only an hour or so, someone else's share gets cut to make yours larger! Satisfaction guaranteed.

Warning: This tactic will only work if you're a favourite of the grandparent, or someone they wish would be 'a little less naughty'. Otherwise you'll be working for free.

Tactic 6: Ambush the Unmarried Uncle
Oh ho ho, these are practically gold mines! Use Tactics 1 through 5 on them the whole time they're around, then, just before they leave, unabashedly ask for your fees. Cling to their panjabi if necessary. Don't let them leave before you get your money!

Warning: The little critters might join in for the fun of it when you bodily attempt to prevent his departure. Not good. Your bounty will be distributed. Use that bottle of chloroform.

Overall warning: Make sure you're not unconsciously rubbing your palms together during the process of claiming the money. It may be disadvantageous.

Disclaimer: This article cannot be held accountable for any form of physical harm or divine retribution upon use of mentioned tactics. The writer assumes that God is more forgiving on Eid.

By Professor Spork


Nanotales

Reason
He watched the boys laughing in the rain on the street outside, ignoring his frowning tutor until the slap descended on his left cheek. It was only then that he looked down at his textbook. They never sat down to open a book, were never heralded by an irate mother. The rain looked so much more fun than long division.

Departure
The PSP was an afterthought. Everything else was already in his school backpack: bread and butter, like in the stories, candy and his mother's jam rolls. The clumsily-written letter he placed on the table, the Ben10 watch was not forgotten. His mother was asleep. The children were leaving for the day. He closed the door quietly and chased after them.

Lost
They ran away faster than he could follow, ignoring his calls. Were they afraid? He tried searching for them, but it was getting dark. So tonight he would go home. Maybe he should have introduced himself first. Maybe their mother told them not to talk to strangers. It wasn't long before he realised he didn't really remember where home was.
By Professor Spork

The Day
Whispers and prayers. Last words for some as they sense the end approach. The building buzzes with dreadful anticipation. And in a rush, they're out. People crying - from heartbreak or happiness, it's impossible to tell. For the scroll that holds their futures has just been unravelled. And there their destinies lay, staring back at them in black and white, unflinching.
By TheAlien4mEarth

 


 

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