What's In A Name…
Seriously, what is in a name? A name is not a person; it's just something to call him/her with. Our names don't determine who we are. When parents name their kid 'Potol' or 'Boltu', it's not like they really have images of vegetables or mechanical screws popping up in their heads at the very sight of the newborn: it's a show of affection, just the weirdest of its kind that is. Therefore, there's absolutely nothing wrong with naming a fat guy 'Shutki-Kumar', a frail person 'John Cena', a Chihuahua 'Cerberus' or your grandmother 'Lady Gaga'…
Oh who are we kidding, EVERYTHING'S in a name! You don't call a Chihuahua 'Cerberus', the poor three-headed dog would roll in its grave out of colossal humiliation. It's like calling Cupid 'Modon' ('Modon' means the god of Love): the diaper-less guy would kill himself, surely, and we'd probably have no more Valentine's Days. And as for the kid named 'Potol', he'd probably come face to face with the most surreal event of his life after consuming his very first veggie 'Potol' and screaming, “Mama, I just ate myself!!”
Dear God, help us.
We all know that the market is currently flooded with Indian clothes. And Indians have a weird habit of wearing their celebrities. Therefore, their dresses are called 'Katrina', 'Sohana', 'Shahrukh Khan', 'Hrittik Roshan' etc. etc. The notion isn't that bad altogether; I mean we'd love to own 'Salma Hayek's and 'Brad Pitt's, just the thought would set us on fire. But the weirdest of the ensemble is probably the 'Masakkali', a descendant of the Godforsaken movie 'Delhi 6'. Now, 'Masakkali' was actually a pigeon in the movie. So wearing a 'Masakkali' would literally mean wearing a freaking bird. Is that some serious level of twisted animal-love or what? Funny why the dress has no feathers, though.
Moving on, we have the gent's attire 'My Name Is Khan'. This writer actually had the fortunes of spotting a seriously pissed off kid who, upon being forced to buy one of these, was heard screaming, “My name is Sadat Shafqat Murtoza, why the hell would I wear something called a Khan?? I didn't even like the stupid movie!” Understandable, little one, really understandable.
The ladies have a certain sort of dress this year that goes by the name of 'Octopus', owing to its strange octopus-like designs which this writer failed to fathom completely despite countless lectures and demonstrations from the salesman… and then the guy got pissed in the end. But seriously, what is this supposed to be, a tribute to Paul? Didn't Dr. Lovelove kill him three times over already? Is he back from the Dead to haunt the shopping malls of Bangladesh out of vengeance? Hmm…
Last but not the least, the cherry on the cake, we have 'Shakira Waka Waka': a goofily designed, heavily sequined salwar-kamiz-dupatta that comes in many colours, mostly pink. The dress looks like a modified descendant of the 'Anarkoli' fame, something Mughal era princesses and Baijees would wear, NOT Shakira. Would Shakira ever wear non-exposing dresses like a salwar-kamiz? No. Would people like to see a Shakira in non-exposing salwar-kamiz? NO! Just try imagining her in a frock and salwar, waving a dupatta, dancing 'Hips Don't Lie'… On second thought, don't imagine that. It'd break your heart.
that comes in many colours, mostly pink. The dress looks like a modified descendant of the 'Anarkoli' fame, something Mughal era princesses and Baijees would wear, NOT Shakira. Would Shakira ever wear non-exposing dresses like a salwar-kamiz? No. Would people like to see a Shakira in non-exposing salwar-kamiz? NO! Just try imagining her in a frock and salwar, waving a dupatta, dancing 'Hips Don't Lie'… On second thought, don't imagine that. It'd break your heart.
As for my grandmother, yours truly didn't name her 'Lady Gaga', she kind of christened herself out of, er, respect. She said she liked the guts on the woman. No comments regarding that, but this writer is planning on buying her a 'Shakira Waka Waka' for this Eid. Think it's gonna look fabulous on her.
Eid Mubarak everybody.
Get Rich Quick: The Eid Edition
Six certified ways to bag and keep the dough. Let's get to business.
Tactic 1: The early bird catches the worm
Warning: Ensure no one catches you lying repeatedly, especially not the ones you're lying to, or your next Eid bonus may be cut off. If anyone else notices, label a small bottle 'Chloroform' and fill it with rose water as a diversionary tactic.
Tactic 2: The Art of Flattery
Warning: There are no drawbacks from the people you're flattering (unless you're one of those guys who can't tell the difference between flattery and insult), but if the snot-nosed brats figure it out they'll copy you. You must not be caught smacking children on Eid.
Tactic 3: The Jaden Chris Smith Way
Warning: Remember to give the kid a small bribe to keep their mouth zipped. Don't mess up and smile for a mere 20 taka. Since they're not your own expressions, it could happen.
Tactic 4: Protection Program
Warning: If by any chance you're stranded and they're closing in on you, don't hesitate to discard your overrated pride and run to your mother.
Tactic 5: Grandparents' Little Helper
Warning: This tactic will only work if you're a favourite of the grandparent, or someone they wish would be 'a little less naughty'. Otherwise you'll be working for free.
Tactic 6: Ambush the Unmarried Uncle
Warning: The little critters might join in for the fun of it when you bodily attempt to prevent his departure. Not good. Your bounty will be distributed. Use that bottle of chloroform.
Overall warning: Make sure you're not unconsciously rubbing your palms together during the process of claiming the money. It may be disadvantageous.
Disclaimer: This article cannot be held accountable for any form of physical harm or divine retribution upon use of mentioned tactics. The writer assumes that God is more forgiving on Eid.
By Professor Spork
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