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Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…to get his diaper changed.

Hey doc,
Trust me, I'd not want to bug you unless I had a serious problem. Ya see, I'm no less an awesome love doc than you are (BUAHAHAHA) and hence I can handle my own stuff. My GOD, that was lame. See? I've gone totally insane. Just help me out will ya?

Here's the prob:
I'm 14, and am one of those totally cute and attractive girls in school on whom every dude has a crush (and that, my friend or foe or whatever, is not my fault, in fact I sorta like it, so you can see I am a person who actually has brains). Now the thing is, I've done the impossible and fallen for a guy who was my best friend. He liked me ever since he saw me. Lucky, huh? Anyway, the thing is, I also have a really good guy friend. My boyfriend literally can't stand him! I know he's jealous, and I think that's cute (don't blame me) but it gets really annoying at times. I have given a thought to listening to my BF cause DUH I love him and now I can barely even talk with my friend! I run out of words! Then there's the fact I've heard rumours about my friend, who's started saying that I've 'changed'. I HATE it when that happens. What do I do now? Is there any way I can make them both like each other? AND I am NOT going to get rid of my BF.

Eager for your reply,
Gal-who-can't-think-of-a-name-right-now
Dear Gal-who-thinks-too-much-of-herself-but-really-isn't-much-of-anything-especially-not-with-brains,

If you'd read my book, “The Perfect Philosophies of the Doctor: How Lovelove taught men to conquer and women to tame”, you would've had the answer for said problem. See, jealousy is integral to any non-platonic relationship, its uses resting in the underbelly of all the promises of 'eternal love' and 'marriage' and 'you're the most beautiful woman in the world (that I could get)'. No matter how much we want to pretend it doesn't matter, your past, and the exes and opposite-sex friends you have, are very important in the dynamics of the relationship. For example, assume you have this ex, while for your current boyfriend, you are his first victory. When he'll learn about your past, and he eventually will, no doubts about that, his heart, vain and naïve as it is, will experience all sorts of pathological emo dysfunctions, such as pain and hurt and the whole shebang. All the girls are out there, asking “Why, oh Great Doctor? That is outrageous! Our pasts shouldn't matter, it's who we love NOW.” I never said the women weren't just as idiotically naïve. Since there is no balance in the past, the guy ('tis selfish, and it'd have been the same for women as well) feels cheated, as if the girl always has one-upped him. That nugget of equality (or preferred superiority) is very important. Otherwise, there's a whole lot of pain one of you don't want and the other, irritated, don't need.

On to the solution: the dynamics for an opposite-gender friend are the same. The first thing you can try is getting one of your girlfriends to pretend to get close to him, so that he feels the balance shifting towards him, and sometimes, pretend to be jealous. Or let him mingle with all his female friends which I KNOW you've been hypocritically not letting him do. It's a sacrifice you must make, and if you can't, it'll just prove how fraudulent women can be at times (I'm not saying men can't), but it's all the more irritating with all the alleged 'equality' they're always pining after. Make your decision before you end up losing something you're not good enough for.

P.S.: I love arguing with myself. I always win.
Problems, inquiries, endorsements and KMAs: dr.lovelove@live.com
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.

By Dr. Lovelove


Loving a Laptop

“Falling in love with a laptop is perfectly logical and wise, especially in the teenage years when one is prone to mistakes and wrong decisions,” these words hurled themselves at Mofiz's already war-trodden heart and pierced it like a Robin Hood shot arrow. He was fresh from a memory he would've liked to forget: getting rejected for the 23rd time. He didn't consider himself a teenager, rather a man, even though he was only 19, but the 'mistakes' part was the one that stung the most. He was walking around in a laptop fair to get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth when he heard that sentence.

Rounding up on the speaker, Mofiz asked, a bit rudely, “Why is liking someone a mistake?” The speaker, fat and four-eyed, replied, “Not a mistake sir, just a bad decision. You see falling in love with a laptop comes with so many advantages.”

“Oh really? Like what? Keeping your lap warm or something?” Mofiz asked sarcastically.

“That is one of its many advantages, in winter though. What I was implying earlier are its other merits. Having a laptop is better than having a boyfriend or a girlfriend.”

“Elaborate,” even though Mofiz said that he wasn't a bit interested. He just wanted to pass some time.

“Well then, look at the economical aspects. Once you buy a laptop, it's all yours. No more money spending. Whereas you have to go on dates, pay rickshaw fares, send occasional gifts, talk on phones etcetera, etcetera when you have a girlfriend,” four-eyes was confident.

“That's true, but then what about the electricity bills?” Mofiz enquired, his curiosity rising.

“You don't pay them, do you? It's your parents that pay them,” he bluntly said, then added, “You can operate laptops on battery too, you know. You just have to turn it on.”

“Okay...anything more?”

“Yes sir. Think about the mess when you break up or when things don't work too well between lovers. Things rarely work well. But just do a complete system-restore and everything is forgotten. How cool is that?” the four-eyed man looked more like a salesman now. Oops, a sales-person.

“If it is attacked by a virus and acts weird, you don't have to go through all the trouble of comforting it over the phone or hear sappy fever-induced stories and give treats when the other one is healthy again: you just have to install an anti-virus program, update it and scan. It works wonders,” the salesperson was on a roll.

“Tell me more,” Mofiz said.

“Okay, let me tell you the best part,” the fat four-eyed salesperson lowered his voice for a dramatic effect, “if you want...”he lowered it even more decibels, “you can reinstall the operating system any time,” he finished in flourish.

“Not to mention changing the setup, getup, attitude and everything at will,” Mofiz joined in enthusiastically, “Awesome.”

“You can carry it around too you know. It will make you look cooler too. There are endless possibilities, so long as you don't cross the limit and do not-so-eco-friendly things with it,” he added. “No more wrong choices, no more bad decisions, no more strings attached, and no more early responsibilities.”

“So sir, are you interested in our new product? This dual and flexible-screen, fold-in keyboard, shock resistant, state of the art laptop is for yours to take,” the mask of laptop-lover fell from the salesman's face. He looked like a salesman now.

But Mofiz had already fallen too far in love with that laptop to notice the salesman's fangs, goatee, horns, hoofs and spiky tail. When he started running in slow motion to touch it he tripped and woke up from his dream with a start. That laptop was good, thought he, his rejection-sickness completely nullified.

By Ero Senin
Illustration: Sarwat Yunus


Farfrompoopen On You

Roads tend to play a mundane role in our lives. Once in a while though, city councilors and road-name-givers tend to go overboard and think up the worst possible names for streets.

It's the country of the nutcases that's ahead in terms of wacky names - the good 'ole US of A. Ranging from the mildly funny (like Unexpected Road in Buena, New Jersey) to the bone crackers (like Psycho Path in Traverse City, Michigan), the Land of the Free seems to be extremely liberal about its road naming process.

Flippin; Okay; Toad Suck; Weiner; Yellville (Arkansas), Beans Corner Bingo (Maine), Boring (Maryland), Humansville; Peculiar; Useful (Missouri), Two Dot; Zero; Yaak (Montana), and Disappointment (Kentucky) are some of the many colourful names given to places in America. Expect a hearty welcome at Hell, Michigan.

Not done with America yet: how would you like to visit the wonderful Welcome (South Carolina)? Or go to Oregon and see the sights of Half.com or Idiotville? Don't ask for directions to No Name road in Colorado unless you want to be utterly confused. If you do need to go to Jot Em Down (Texas), you better do just that with the directions. Just down the road from Fertile (Minnesota) is a town called Climax, giving rise to the famously tragic headline “Fertile Woman dies in Climax.” For the record, there are seven places named Climax spread around the US. Good luck finding This Aint It Road in Alabama. This next one steals the show: the only way to get to Constipation Ridge in Arkansas is to use a by-road called Farfrompoopen Road - a very fitting name considering the locality's passion for red meat.

Looking elsewhere, there's Forget, in Saskatchewan, Canada. Go for a frolic in Frolic, Northumberland (UK) or have the experience of a lifetime in Great Butts, Sussex (UK). Nothing beats Ham, a town near Sandwich in Kent (UK) or Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand. Good luck typing that into Google maps or any GPS system, much less ask for directions to it. Krung Thep Maha Nakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayutthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udom Ratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanu Kamprasit (Thailand) should be a nice place to visit on your next holiday season.

We have a few jokers in Bangladesh too. Elephant Road, Kolabagan, Fokirapool, Hatirpool, Kathalbagan, Bhooter goli; these might be familiar to us, but if they were translated and released on the net, we'd have people laughing at us too. What's wrong with giving places normal sounding names? I guess some people would do anything to make people laugh.

Honourable mentions: Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg (Massachusetts,US); Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales, UK); Really Rocks (English Channel); Truth or Consequences (New Mexico, US); Waikikamukau (pronounced 'Why-kick-a-moo-cow', New Zealand); You Bet (Nevada County, California, US); Yspytty Ystrad Meuric, parish of Yspytty Ystwith (Cardiganshire, UK).

For more hilarious names, visit: www.philbrodieband.com/jokes-jokes_town_names.htm

By
Shaer Duita Fish Reaz

 

 

 


 
 

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