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Insanity: Bona fide

Did man really land on the moon? Was Muntadhar al-Zaidi' shoe throwing incident with George W Bush dramatised? We come across loads of conspiracy theories in everyday life but most of the time we are just content to sit back and listen to them. But what if we chose to experiment with one such theory just like our Physics experiments? Provided you are foolish enough to do that, your report would probably look like this:

Name of the Experiment: Verification of authenticity of Muntadhar al-Zaidi's shoe throwing incident.

Theory: According to a leading conspiracy theorist it is very hard for anyone to throw shoes on target twice from the distance shown on the video footage. The shoes would have hit Bush if he had not ducked on time. This proves Zaidi must have been practicing for some time. It was also very hard for George Bush to twice avoid flying shoes that were spot on target. When the first shoe was thrown, Bush was speaking, but since he managed to avoid being hit, this implies his reaction was very fast. Now at the same time it can't be true that Bush was actually practicing to avoid on target flying shoes unless the whole incident was a dramatisation by you know who!

Apparatus required: Size10 shoes, Dhaka to Baghdad air tickets, measuring tape, some insane volunteers, and some Iraqi dinars.

Procedure:

1. Go to Presidential Palace in Baghdad, Iraq.

2. Measure the distance from the podium to the place where Zaidi was seated in the room where the press conference of George Bush took place using a measuring tape. Record your reading as X m. Data should not be recorded on perishable paper.

3. It's unlikely you will be allowed to perform your experiment in the Presidential Palace, so before you die from some explosion or are incarcerated by NATO forces, return to Bangladesh.

4. At some suitable location, ask your volunteer to stand X metres away from you and tell him to close his eyes. Tell him to open his eyes as soon as you utter something. Don't tell him that you are going to throw shoes at him.

5. After 30 seconds, yell loudly “This is a farewell kiss for you my friend” and throw a size 10 shoe straight at his face. Then throw another shoe at his face one second later.

6. Watch his reactions and the path of your flying shoes: was your volunteer fast enough to duck in time and avoid being hit; did you manage to hit the shoe on target? Record your results.

7. Replicate the above procedures with other volunteers.

Safety Precautions:

1. Make sure no one else is watching you perform this experiment: you could end up in an asylum.

2. Ensure all your volunteers are foolish enough to accept getting hit by shoes. Infuriated volunteers can be dangerous.

Results: If you are failing to hit your shoes on target and your volunteers are failing to react fast enough to avoid being hit by shoes thrown on target it's probably a dramatised incident.

Conclusion: Authenticity of incident verified/not verified (tick your answer).

By Captain Kirchhoff


The Shoe Lexicon

It's always love at first sight. You see them displayed across the room and you can almost hear the hallelujah chorus while a spotlight from heaven seems to shine down on them. You're lovestruck, awestruck, dumbstruck, by the image of perfection displayed in front of you. 'How does such beauty exist in this world?' you wonder to yourself. You practically float across the room, the heavenly objects drawing you towards them. Finally you have them clutched in your arms and ahhh the world is set right again. No, it's not Felipe Melo, it's something even better than that shoes! Be it leopard print ballet flats or Christian Louboutin glitter pumps, the perfect pair of shoes is the answer to all your problems.

Going through a bad breakup, or a horrific hair day, or just having 'one of those days' in general where you're esteem could use a boost? Just head to the nearest shoe store (hereafter known as Heaven) and splurge on a brand new pair. Nothing lifts the spirits up more than retail therapy. Haven't you ever wondered why so many women write songs about it? There must be something to it!

Marilyn Monroe had it right about diamonds being a girl's best friend (this rule also applies to footwear). Ladies, the men in your life will eventually bore you to tears, but those diamonds and shoes will never cease to give you butterflies. Sorry gents, I didn't make the rules, I just follow them.

So what's the moral of the story? Shoes (and Diamonds, of course!) are the way to a woman's heart. They come in bright, juicy colours with bling-bling, beading, funky leopard spots, zebra stripes, snake skins, various other animal prints (faux of course!), glitter, fur and anything else you can possible think of. The perfect pair can pull together any outfit. There are even muted colours and boring embellishments for the more blah girl. But how exactly do you know which pair to buy for the love of your life? It's tricky with all the different kinds available and with the tacky taste you men seem to have in clothes/accessories nowadays. Here's the 411 on everything you need to know about shoes that are worth knowing about (because you can't afford the diamonds just yet):

Stilettos are sky-high pencil heels (three inches onwards). Buy a girl a pair of stilleto's (preferably Christian Louboutin's) and she'll love you forever.

Pumps are closed-toe high heels that are the go-to-shoe for all your school, work or party needs. Pumps with an ankle strap attached are known as Mary-Janes.

Flats are also known as sandals and are great for the girl who's always on the go and prefers comfort. It is preferred shoe option for tall girls (for reasons that this writer who is of Amazonian height fails to comprehend). People in Dhaka are always telling us taller chicks to stick to our flats and not wear high heels, but pay no attention to these morons who are just jealous of our never-ending legs. While flats are great for the hot city environment, nothing beats heels.

Ballet flats are pumps without heels. They're cute, comfortable and great at hiding those sans pedicure/mismatched polish-ed toes.

Boots are a stupid choice for Dhaka's climate but gosh darn they are just so irresistible. Boots come in various styles: the ankle boots, the even lower booties, cowboy boots, go-go boots, the knee-high boots and the even higher thigh-high boots.

Espadrilles or wedges are platform-heels that provide comfort and style.

Flip-flops are only acceptable footwear if you're going to the beach. Dhaka is smack dab in the middle of the country and has no oceans/beaches anywhere near it.

Kitten-heels are heels that are below three inches.

Sneakers are unacceptable unless your school demands it under pain of torture or if you are going for a workout. Being a tomboy is soooo 90's.

Of course, there are tonnes of other types of shoes, but they are probably not as nice to look at as the above mentioned and are therefore irrelevant.

Unfortunately though, Christian Louboutin, Jimmy Choo's etc aren't sold here. But for some fantastic alternatives check out Cat's Eye or Bata. Guy's it might be a little pricey for a present but it's better to splurge on something she'll love rather than cheap rubbish she'll hate and as for single ladies, you never need an excuse to go shoe shopping because nice shoes, like oxygen, are a necessity of life.

By Musarrat Rahman


 

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